I've fucked my life up. Can't bring myself to start dealing with it.

[Flowersandcats]

Sorry if this OP is a bit all over the place. My biggest issue is that I am not acknowledging what is happening so it is difficult to put it into words.

I am an alcoholic and I have MH issues. Over the last few years my life has been falling apart. I haven't worked in months. I am thousands of pounds in debt. Massively behind with my mortgage. I owe money to everyone. I have borrowed money from my parents. I lie. I lie about everything. To the point that I feel like I'm not sure what's true any more.

I haven't opened any post in weeks. It's an external mail box, I haven't even looked in there since the new year. There are probably court summons in there.

I can't face dealing with it. Like if I don't acknowledge it then none of this is happening.

I bought a whole bunch of painkillers recently. Bought from five different shops so that I could get round the "one box only" thing. I don't plan to take them right now but they're here in the house.

I'm not doing anything to address anything. I had a counsellor but I haven't been for the last 2 weeks. Couldn't face leaving the house. Although she did suggest that I may have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I fantasise about being imprisoned or hospitalised so that all power and control will be removed from me and I won't have to have to make any decisions any more. (I appreciate that this isn't how it works.)

Most people don't know. I was out with friends on Saturday (not drinking). I am sure that they would have thought everything is fine.

I don't know what I want from this post. I posted a few months ago under a different username and I haven't done anything to deal with it since. Things are worse.

[Flowersandcats]

Hello. Not sleeping so posting.

Missing the GP appointment was stupid. It was my fault. Friend offered to drive me to my 8.20 appointment and suggested picking me up at 8. I said "OK", it was only once he picked me up that I realised that I hadn't actually told him where the GP medical centre is. If I'd told him where it was (or, you know, worked this shit out for myself), we would have realised that it wasn't possible to make that journey in 20 minutes during rush hour.

I waited 40 minutes before I was told I wouldn't been seen. So I got some serious magazine reading in. I never buy magazines. I quite enjoy reading them when I'm in a waiting room. What's the point of 'Vogue', though? You can't tell the difference between the adverts and the non-adverts.

I have stacked up a bunch of (older) unopened post on the dining table. Can't face opening it on my own. Even though I've opened the more recent stuff and I'm guessing most of it will supersede older stuff.

I've also put a load of cardboard folders on the dining table. With the idea that when I do start dealing with this, I can organise it in some way.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Good morning Flowers, hope you managed to drop off eventually, don't stress the Doctor appointment, it's now yesterday's news !
As you say, some of the existing mail, will most probably go straight in the bin. You are no longer on the Road to Nowhere,you are actually on a mission to Somewhere. There's a chance, a small portion of the debt will be written off. I detect a good sense of humour buried under that heap of depression. Keep on keeping on ! 😃🌟

[Flowersandcats]

Thanks, Sugarpie.

Plan for today (and yes, I am now using this thread as some sort of diary of my progress, sorry everyone) is to get my tax return sorted.

I'm not feeling great about everything but I am ticking off manageable goals. Which has got to be better than literally hiding under a blanket on the sofa. I've been doing that a lot recently - pulling my blanket right over my head and staying like that for hours. I've also been frequently sleeping 18 hours out of every 24 as a means of escape.

[Flowersandcats]

Probably not 18, thinking about it. But loads. Too much. Anything over 12 hours is probably a bad sign, right?

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Well Flowers, that's a lot of hiding ! However, there are still times that I would like to camp out behind the settee, like I did as a child !
In the past, I have also been guilty of picking up my post, and posting it straight behind the microwave !😦🙄
One day at a time, is my motto, where possible.😀

[dowhatnow]

Keep plodding on. One foot in front of the other. You'll eventually get there. Good idea using this as a diary.

[iogo]

How's things today Flowers?

[TENSHI]

Let me tell you something I did when overwhelmed, depressed and couldn't cope at all.

I had young dc and a business. I preferred just to stuff any brown envelopes under the sofa or in a cupboard.

One day I had a letter from the tax office asking to see my accounts of the last 3 years as part of a random survey.

I can't tell you how much it threw me into a panic. I was unable to sleep and just ignored it. The next sequence of events remain hazy.

I got a call from the tax office as I had failed to turn up to the meeting (I think). They asked me for my figures for the last year and I just plucked a figure out of thin air and told them.

As I'm not sure the sequence of events, may be they asked to see me/the accounts.. well I knew I couldn't justify any of it so I just rang them up and confessed that I had just put a random figure down and actually had no idea what the real amount was as I didn't know and I was too upset to find out.

They were absolutely marvellous. Told me not to worry, to gather all the paper work that I had and just bring it all in for them to sort out for me.

I saw the kindliest lady and the kindliest fatherly sort of gentleman at the tax office in the next few weeks while they went through it all with me and told me next time I was struggling to just come in and ask for help. That they were trying to change the face of their work and it needn't be a scary place.

So please don't despair as I did and put it off. Just confess and admit you're in a pickle/mess/overwhelmed/cannot cope and you will be surprised how your frankness and honesty will disarm people and you will see their compassionate side.

Good luck

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Good morning Flowers, any plans for today ! 😀

[Flowersandcats]

Just a quick update. I opened a whole bunch of letters today that I'd had stashed in my room. And have organised them into different cardboard folders for different creditors. I phoned 2 debt agencies and my bank and mortgage provider to let them know that I'm seeing the Citizens Advice Bureau on Monday and I'll get back to them after I've spoken to CAB.

My lovely friend was here to support me while I was doing it.

So, nothings fixed really but it feels less scarily unmanageable now. I am about a hundred times calmer than I was on Monday.

[BifsWif]

Well done!! You're amazing - that can't have been easy but you did it. You're facing it head on, be proud of yourself.

[notagiraffe]

Tenshi, that's such a good post. I've found the tax office staff really warm and friendly and approachable in recent years too. Genuinely helpful and sympathetic.

[dowhatnow]

I think everyone has the same aim. They want to sort out something in a manageable way. They want to help people who want to help themselves. What they don't want is a lack of communication.

[clumsyduck]

Well done . Small steps like I said upthread and your making them right now .

[iogo]

That's a fab bit of progress.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP.

[Flowersandcats]

Sorry for not responding to everyone separately. I am reading everything and really appreciate people responding.

Thanks for your post, Tenshi. I think I'm actually OK with the Tax Office but I think you're right that people will help if you're honest and communicate. The problem here is that I've already vaguely started down this route before but not really followed it through. and then defaulted on repayment plans etc. So I already have a bit of a history with my creditors.

But I'm seeing CAB on Monday. I will be completely honest with them and see where we can go from there.

Mentally, I'm feeling a bit more stable. I hadn't been taken my medication regularly previously and I have been since starting this thread although 5 days of taking it probably isn't enough time for the Citalopram to have kicked in yet (Doctors always advise 2 weeks before you feel the effect, however from previous experience I have found that I start to feel the benefit after about a week).

A lot of it is having started to deal with stuff though. And being able to talk about it honestly here and to Supportive Friend. I still don't want SF to know the actual amounts of the debts, though. They are ridiculously huge considering I have nothing to show for it.

I am carrying on making small steps today. Mostly housework related but I'm not hiding under a blanket anyway.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Flowers, you're doing a fabulous job, not slacking at all.
I understand that you want to keep the figures to yourself, and I agree with you, you are entitled to your privacy.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I work in a CAB. You have done brilliantly op to make all this progress in one week. The CAB appt will the beginning of a process to get your debts into a manageable state. They won't just look at your debt they will also look at making sure you are getting all the benefits/ income you are entitled to, and ensuring you have a realistic budget to live on before arranging a repayment plan/ or A plan to write off your debts. They will keep making appts until everything is in place and you have already made their job easier by opening the envelopes good luck for Monday. I hope it all goes well.

[Flowersandcats]

Hello. Quick update - I went to the CAB today. My appointment went on for about an hour and a half. I was really impressed that they were happy to see me for that long. I think I expected it to be like a doctor appointment and I'd be rushed in and out.

It was mostly just getting all the information together. But because I have spent the last week opening all the unopened post stashed everywhere and then sorting the last 3 months worth into labelled folders, I was able to provide pretty much all the information he needed.

The main task I left with was to apply for JSA/Housing Benefit/Council Tax reduction. So I completed the online application this afternoon. I do want to get a job so hopefully this is just a short-term thing but I appreciate that I need to get the ball rolling on this one.

Trevor the CAB advisor is going to phone me to arrange a next appointment. I'm also waiting on JSA people to ring me in the next 48 hours to arrange a face-to-face appointment. So, things are happening.

The main thing I need to do in the next 24 hours is SORT MY SODDING TAX RETURN OUT. So I'm off to do that now.

[dowhatnow]

Go girl

[Flowersandcats]

It's just over a week since I wrote my original post. I was feeling so fucking hopeless at that point. It seemed impossible that there was any way out of my situation.

I don't know how it's all going to pan out, obviously. But the difference between how I was feeling then and how I am feeling now is huge.

I know everyone says that it's better once you face up to things but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It's totally true though. I even managed to get through the whole CAB appointment without crying.

No post today. I actually enjoy checking the mailbox and finding it empty. It did occur to me opening all my unopened post (some of it dating back to 2014) that if I didn't owe people money and have DDs constantly bouncing in my bank account, I'd barely get any postal correspondence at all.

And thanks for your post bigmouthstrikesagain. People who volunteer at CAB are total fucking heroes.

[Flowersandcats]

And in vaguely related news, I appear to be dealing with not drinking alcohol by developing a Massive Gherkin Habit. (Both the habit and the gherkins are massive.)

I was extolling the virtues of the massive gherkins you get in chip shops and bemoaning the fact that you can't buy them in supermarkets to Supportive Friend (I need a better nickname for him). He told me that they sell chip-shop size gherkins in Lidl. And they do!

I have eaten a ridiculous number of gherkins in the last few days. I don't know if swapping wine for gherkins is a recognised way of tackling a drink problem but I'm willing to give it a go. Hey, I have an addictive personality. There are worse addictions than Lidl pickled gherkins. Although, I suspect they're making me more than usually farty.

[confusedandemployed]

I posted when you started this thread but haven't really been around much since. My advice was to get yourself an advocate.

It would appear you've done better than that ! You have your lovely SF but let's be honest...you've made all this progress on your own. Bloody well done OP!

The difference between your first and last posts are staggering. If this thread has done anything to help this, then this is MN at its best (cliche but you know what they say about cliches... )

[CheckpointCharlie2]

Just found this thread flowers and am astonished, truly, at how far you've come! Once you've sorted it out I reckon you'll be an awesome person to advise others, especially love the Giant Gherkin swap!

SF sounds like a bit of a diamond too.
Well done you