I've fucked my life up. Can't bring myself to start dealing with it.

[Flowersandcats]

Sorry if this OP is a bit all over the place. My biggest issue is that I am not acknowledging what is happening so it is difficult to put it into words.

I am an alcoholic and I have MH issues. Over the last few years my life has been falling apart. I haven't worked in months. I am thousands of pounds in debt. Massively behind with my mortgage. I owe money to everyone. I have borrowed money from my parents. I lie. I lie about everything. To the point that I feel like I'm not sure what's true any more.

I haven't opened any post in weeks. It's an external mail box, I haven't even looked in there since the new year. There are probably court summons in there.

I can't face dealing with it. Like if I don't acknowledge it then none of this is happening.

I bought a whole bunch of painkillers recently. Bought from five different shops so that I could get round the "one box only" thing. I don't plan to take them right now but they're here in the house.

I'm not doing anything to address anything. I had a counsellor but I haven't been for the last 2 weeks. Couldn't face leaving the house. Although she did suggest that I may have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I fantasise about being imprisoned or hospitalised so that all power and control will be removed from me and I won't have to have to make any decisions any more. (I appreciate that this isn't how it works.)

Most people don't know. I was out with friends on Saturday (not drinking). I am sure that they would have thought everything is fine.

I don't know what I want from this post. I posted a few months ago under a different username and I haven't done anything to deal with it since. Things are worse.

[EddieHitler]

Sorry, cross posted.

You have to take control and sort it out now. Burying your head in the sand isn't working.

Open every letter, ring every company, explain why. Write it all down and send that form (or a new one) to Stepchange.

Nobody can do this for you. You have to show yourself that you can do it yourself. It will be worth it in the end. Honest.

[blueskyinmarch]

Good start bringing in the mail. I would be lying if I said I knew what would be on the outside of a court summons but I am guessing there would be some identifier.

[confusedandemployed]

I think you need an advocate. Contact CAB, they will help as much as possible and will be able to signpost you to other organisations that can help. It will be MUCH easier to deal with all the official / financial stuff if you're not alone.

And GP obviously. You are chronically depressed and need urgent help.

[blueskyinmarch]

Yeah Flowers I think Daisy has got us muddled up!

[ImperialBlether]

I think a court summons would have the frank stamp of the court on it, OP.

If you're near Liverpool, PM me and I'll come and open it for you!

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Well done Flowers, you've brought the mail in !
Now, put it in a carrier bag, and off you go, Citizen's Advice will help you.

[Flowersandcats]

ImperialBlether, I'm in Surrey so not terribly close, unfortunately. I really do appreciate the offer.

[Flowersandcats]

EddieHitler, I know that this is what I need to do. But I can't. I'm not stupid, honestly. If you met me, you'd think I was reasonably clever and articulate. I can have all kinds of reasoned opinions on politics and ethics and shit. My grown-up daughter has (presumably unsurprisingly) MH issues of her own. I am a fucking font of good advice when it comes to advising her how best to deal with her Anxiety. She has no idea how fucked up things are over here.

But I can't take ownership for this shit on my own. I just can't. And telling me to just crack on with it is like telling an agoraphobic to just stop worrying about going outside or something.

[CrispPacket]

Argh you poor thing! :( I struggle with depression and I got very much like you in a much 'minor' kinda way. I was at uni and Id leave EVERYTHING to pile up to the point where I just couldnt/wouldnt deal with it and in the end I had to leave because I couldnt work over the mountain of pressure Id built for myself. I do it with silly things now...Its almost like hoarding, you put things off and off and before you know it you've screwed your self. Can you sit and think about your life as a character/another person and write down advice for them if they were in the same situation as you.

Dont take the painkillers. Without sounding like an absolute cowbag its a stupid idea and its not going to get you anywhere apart from a&e and trying to sort out what youve got on your plate whilst feeling like crap is going to make it harder. The amount you need to take to actually OD is quite high..its harder than it sounds trust me Ive been there...all you do is become a burden for others. Sorry that sounds really horrible but its the truth xx

But please do get help. Get to your GP. Have you got any close friends you can just totally spill on? You NEED to get sorted OP, you dont have any other option lovely. So, get cracking- you can and will sort this. Get your parents involved, they'll find out at some point anyway if they know their DD. Its fine to have a melt down about it now and again, dont feel bad about that. :) Im sure right now you feel like there is no way out and no future but there is, I promise you there is and thats coming from someone who never thought it'd get any better, self harm, suicide attempts the whole shebang..and Im here, and things are much much better...bad days now and again but things are getting there. Its been a long haul but you can do this.

[clumsyduck]

Hi flowers I dont have much practical advice in terms of money etc but I see others have pointed you in the right direction there . Logically burying your head in the sand regarding debts will only make it worse so do something now and then a year down the line you will feel good you didn't let it escalate

Anyway I just wanted to say that you can do this ! Just take small steps one at a time . I won't go into detail but a good few years back now I was in a right mess , not entirely my own doing ( bad relationship was one factor ) I made those small steps myself and have not looked back . That person is unregocnisable to me now !! I too thought I couldn't get myself sorted and buried my head in the sand but it's surprising how time goes by and the small changes take effect and lead to bigger changes and you realise you've being doing / not doing something for X amount of months and you carry on and start to feel proud and start to hope that things might be working out at last

I promise if I can then you can do this !!

I'm sorry if that sounds a bit blah but I can imagine how you must be feeling because I have felt it to and it can be changed

[clumsyduck]

And also please go to you gp
And chuck them pain killers away !!!

[Flowersandcats]

And, sorry EddieHitler (nice "Bottom" reference btw), I didn't mean that to sound arsey. I do appreciate you responding.

[ihatethecold]

Op, You sound similar to my adult ds.
He lies so often that he forgets what he has lied about.
He has Mh issues plus he abuses medication.
I have told him that no matter what i will not turn my back on him.
No matter how hard things are.
Please speak to your parents, They obviously know what your issues are because of history.

[howthefuckshouldiknow]

Flowers could you open just one letter and then describe it to us here. Maybe we can advise just one step at a time?

[Flowersandcats]

And chuck them pain killers away !!!

I'm not sure how to explain this (like I said I am having trouble distinguishing real feelings/memories from false feelings/memories atm).

I understand that there is a difference as far as health service provision is concerned between "feeling suicidal" and "having a plan in place to end your life". I think when I bought the tablets (5 shops, 100+ paracetamol) it was with the idea of ending my life. But right now, there is something oddly comforting in the thought that if I did need immediate psychiatric help, I could point to the paracetamol and say "Plan in place!"

I do want to end it. But in a "never having existed in the first place" way. If I could wipe out my existence so no-one ever knew I existed, I would do that in a heartbeat. But I can't.

I have to keep reminding myself that killing myself would be far worse for my daughter than any of the other shitty possible outcomes of my current situation.

[ImperialBlether]

I think it's too hard for the OP to do this alone. I would have a panic attack at the thought of it.

You need to get some real life support here, OP. Do you have any non-judgemental friends? If not I think you should put every letter you can find into a box and phone the CAB and ask if they can help you urgently as you may be about to lose your home. I would imagine some of the letters at least are from your bank. Explain that you've been unable to open the letters, that you're panicking as you don't know what to do and you need help urgently. Could you make that call?

[ImperialBlether]

Could you start by filling this form in?

If you don't know the exact figure you owe or the number of bills you have, could you just choose the biggest number in the drop down list? You're not committing yourself to anything here.

Citizens' Advice form

[ImperialBlether]

I'll fill in the form for you if you like. Send me your name, email address and a phone number and I'll fill in the form for you. They will then contact you.

[clumsyduck]

Oh flowers Please go to the doctor . in the fog you are in you can't think straight (although you are right your daughter would be beyond devastated . ) you can be guided out the fog by professionals who know what they are doing . Who see this all the time and won't judge you. I used to have horrendous anxiety I never thought that counselling would help I spent the first sessions scowling like a moody rebellious teenager . It's really really did help with a combination of other treatment and my own positive steps I took .

Even if you can't see it or feel it now just hold on to the belief that you can do this

[Daisymclazy]

So sorry Bluesky and Flowers, I did muddle you up 😯 Flowers I did have to make an appointment at CAB but they were great.

[ImperialBlether]

I've just been on the CAB website and said I was your friend and wanted advice. Here's the conversation:

Joel
Hi, my name is Joel.
Me
Hi
Me
Hi Joel I wanted to ask a quick question about a friend of mine who lives in Surrey.
Me
She has lost her job, is several months in mortgage arrears and has a lot of debt.
Joel
Here is your reference number for this chat. You should keep a note of this so we can identify you if you use the service again. (I will give you the ref number if you want it, OP)
Joel
Ok
Me
She has got to the point where she's not opening any mail - she has a problem with alcohol and has panic attacks. Is there anyone you can advise that she can go to with all her envelopes, that could help her? I'm not near her so can't do it myself.
Me
I know there will be court letters in those envelopes.
She might be able to go to her local Citizens Advice who can then arrange a face - to - face debt appointment during which they can advise her about her mortgage arrears and other debts. She could take all of her paperwork in with her for the appointment.
Joel
If you give me the postcode I can search for details of her local CAB’s opening hours.
Me
I'm afraid I don't know her postcode I will ask her and look out for the opening hours. So it would be OK if she just took everything with her? She's really panicking and I'm worried she'll just hide her head in the sand even longer
Joel
Ok. She can go on our website and //www.citizensadvice.org.uk and search by postcode for her local bureau
Me
Thanks
Joel
Yes that should be okay - obviously it's going to make the adviser's job a bit easier, and the appointment a bit quicker, if she can work through her paperwork to establish how much she owes and to whom. But if she can't do this then the adviser can help her with this
Me:
Thanks
Joel
No problem. Tell your friend if she hasn't already she needs to explain the situation to the mortgage lender. She needs to get advice about those arrears as a matter of urgency otherwise her home could be at risk.

[EddieHitler]

Sorry, I really didn't mean to come across as so patronising. Without a couple of the issues, I've been there and done that, I cocked up too. I know that feeling of drowning in it. I don't think you're stupid in any way either. Honestly.

But I do think you have to try to take control of it yourself, even if it's just in some small way, get the ball rolling. If you don't you will always feel like someone else has to bail you out.

If you really feel you can't do it alone, please tell your parents, at least, don't be on your own through this.

[Flowersandcats]

I have told him that no matter what i will not turn my back on him.

I have been crying pretty much constantly since writing my original post but your message took it to a new level ihatethecold.

I am a horrible person. Really. I have lied and taken money from my parents on false pretences (often to buy alcohol even though they supported me in giving up alcohol before and believe that I am still not drinking). The thing that is most horrible about me is that I pretend I'm not. But I'm pretending to be someone else. This other Flowersandcats who is diligently job hunting and taken a temporary part time job.

I'm not. I haven't. I have been doing sex work for cash, recently. Not enough to pay the bills or deal with the debts but enough to buy wine, cigarettes, petrol, food for the cats etc. I actually didn't mind the escorting work but, Jesus fucking Christ, my parents don't need to know that their daughter is a sometime prostitute.

I feel like I crossed a line some time back and my parents would be better off without me in their life.

But then I read a post like yours. Also, there was a MN thread recently where a mum was asking for practical advice about what she could take her soon-to-be-imprisoned daughter. There was a huge back story but the mum still wanted to help her daughter in whatever way she could.

I know my parents would help me. But, ffs, I'm 42. They're in their 70s. It's not their job any more.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I still don't want to talk to my parents. Originally, I wanted to fix everything before they found out things got bad. Now I think I should deal with eviction/bankruptcy/homelessness/whatever without them.

[Flowersandcats]

ImperialBlether, I'll PM you if that's OK.

[ImperialBlether]

Of course.