I've fucked my life up. Can't bring myself to start dealing with it.

[Flowersandcats]

Sorry if this OP is a bit all over the place. My biggest issue is that I am not acknowledging what is happening so it is difficult to put it into words.

I am an alcoholic and I have MH issues. Over the last few years my life has been falling apart. I haven't worked in months. I am thousands of pounds in debt. Massively behind with my mortgage. I owe money to everyone. I have borrowed money from my parents. I lie. I lie about everything. To the point that I feel like I'm not sure what's true any more.

I haven't opened any post in weeks. It's an external mail box, I haven't even looked in there since the new year. There are probably court summons in there.

I can't face dealing with it. Like if I don't acknowledge it then none of this is happening.

I bought a whole bunch of painkillers recently. Bought from five different shops so that I could get round the "one box only" thing. I don't plan to take them right now but they're here in the house.

I'm not doing anything to address anything. I had a counsellor but I haven't been for the last 2 weeks. Couldn't face leaving the house. Although she did suggest that I may have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I fantasise about being imprisoned or hospitalised so that all power and control will be removed from me and I won't have to have to make any decisions any more. (I appreciate that this isn't how it works.)

Most people don't know. I was out with friends on Saturday (not drinking). I am sure that they would have thought everything is fine.

I don't know what I want from this post. I posted a few months ago under a different username and I haven't done anything to deal with it since. Things are worse.

[TheElephantofSurprise]

Flowersandcats - forty two is nothing, you're barely out of childhood.
I know where you are coming from. I'm sitting here now with about five years worth of untouched household accounts on my dining table, trying to work up the courage to go there. They've been set out since my last 'good' day, over a month ago. I once went two-and-a-half years without opening a single letter. The gas board gave me a CCJ on a bill I'd already paid, in that time. I've wasted so much money by being ill in this way that I wouldn't ever dare count it. It must be many thousands.

You've started reaching out. You've started taking things in hand. Well done! So very, very well done! Keep going. Good luck and I hope Imperial can help you.

[TheElephantofSurprise]

Oh, and I started the post above intending to tell you that if you put all the post in a carrier bag, take it to a café, order yourself a large hot drink and open the mail while you drink it, it helps.

You can sort the mail, too, and put all the rubbish to one side ready for disposal. Then it looks a lot less scary.

[ImperialBlether]

Elephant, I don't think I'd do that. For one thing you're in a public place so if you panic or cry then everyone's looking at you. For another, it would look very odd to open a ton of old envelopes like that - surely it would attract attention.

[Flowersandcats]

Flowers could you open just one letter and then describe it to us here. Maybe we can advise just one step at a time?

@howthefuckshouldiknow - I opened one letter. But that was the one that I guessed was from my counselling service. So, least scary.

[howthefuckshouldiknow]

Flowers - that's great that you've opened one! And good idea to start with least scary. You're making steps and maybe that's enough for today. Today you have not shyed away and done nothing you are facing it in tiny steps.

Next, if you are up to it can you think about how that letter needs to be dealt with? What do they say to you? Have you missed appointments? Is the counselling still available to you?

Please don't be hard on yourself you are a mother as well as a daughter. You know about unconditional love, I hope you can reach out to your parents when you are ready xxx

[StumblyMonkey]

Hello Flowers...

I have bipolar disorder and have been where you are now in the past. I live in Surrey and would be very happy to help out.

I could call over this evening or another evening this week and bring hot chocolate and help you open the post as a first step and then maybe talk about the next step?

I really would like to help. People helped me when I was down and I'd be happy to 'pay it forward'

[StumblyMonkey]

PS I'm at work so if you message and I don't respond straight away it's just because I'll be stuck in a boring meeting(!)

[Flowersandcats]

I've PM'd you StumblyMonkey.

[ImperialBlether]

That's a really fantastic offer there!

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

ImperialBlether and StumblyMonkey, what lovely kind people you both are. 💐💐

[Flowersandcats]

It really is. Thank you StumblyMonkey.

I have a friend coming round at 5. I told him I was fucked up and sent him a link to this thread. Not expecting him to magically fix anything. But at least he knows.

My counsellor recommended that I wrote a letter to my parents explaining my situation. I couldn't do it. And I'm usually quite good at words 'n' that.

Posting on Mumsnet really helps. Thank you everyone who has responded. I know I haven't responded to most of you. Everyone's responses have been really helpful.

[FusionChefGeoff]

I am a recovering alcoholic - AA saved my life. If you want to stop drinking, it is an excellent source of fellowship, support and RL help.

If you can find a phone to use, 0800 9177 650. They will get someone who is local to you to phone you back and offer to help.

If you can't get a phone, you can email them on help*@aamail*.org.

[FusionChefGeoff]

Ignore the stars in that email address - not sure what happened there.

[StumblyMonkey]

Flowers...do let us know how things go with your friend later if you feel up to it...

[Flowersandcats]

My friend came round and with him here, I opened all the post.

It wasn't great obviously, I owe an awful lot of money. But none of it was scary or unexpected. No court summons. No letter saying "you missed your court appearance two weeks ago so we're coming round to evict you tomorrow" which is the letter that totally existed in my head and that I was sure was in the letterbox.

Obviously, tomorrow is another day and more post will come. But, for tonight, it's a huge weight off my mind. I can't describe it. I couldn't face opening those envelopes on my own. It all feels slightly more manageable right now.

I have an emergency GP appointment tomorrow morning. Same friend is going to pick me up first thing in the morning and take me there. He's holding my hand. Pretty much literally. It's pathetic but I need that right now.

[Kennington]

You owe money - you haven't killed anyone or committed some grand fraud. I was relieved when I read your OP because you already know what the problem is.
Good luck whatever the details you are smart and switched on.

[BifsWif]

This is not meant to sound patronising in any way but you should be bloody proud of yourself. Read your opening post and then your last post, and see what you've achieved today.

Keep going forward, baby steps if necessary. There is nothing that can't be fixed x

[dowhatnow]

Oh well done. Baby steps.

As a parent I would be horrified if you felt you couldn't turn to me. When you feel stronger talk to your parents - or perhaps get your friend to talk to them if you can't face it.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

That's a great friend you've got there OP, that's all you needed, a little bit of support. You really have done yourself proud today.
Good luck for tomorrow, please do your utmost, to tell it, as it is. 🌺

[clumsyduck]

Well done today . Great first steps and glad you opened up to your friend too

[blueskyinmarch]

I am pleased to hear what great progress you made yesterday. Your friend is awesome as are you. I hope tomorrow goes well and that the doctor is able to help you. Good luck.

[Flowersandcats]

Hello there. Thanks for everyone's support yesterday.

Unfortunately, I was late for the doctor's appointment this morning (misjudged how bad traffic was going to be) and the dr couldn't see me so the appointment has been rescheduled.

Not entirely sure what I want from the GP. I already have medication (citalopram), I just haven't been taking it. If I start taking it every day that will make a big difference. I have taken my medication both yesterday and today.

I phoned the Citizen's Advice Bureau and have an appointment for Monday. It was a difficult call because the chap who booked the appointment for me gave me a list of the income and expenditure information that they will need me to bring with me. I wrote down the requirements and then after the phone call burst into tears because the idea of putting figures to any of this stuff is so overwhelming.

My friend was with me when I made the call so I had someone to hug afterwards. He's being brilliantly supportive. The thing is, I am so embarrassed and ashamed about how huge these debts are. I want him to help me but then I don't want him to know the actual numbers. I don't know what the actual numbers are but they're fucking huge.

I did check my post today and there was nothing of note. Just something checking the electoral role information.

So, hmm, that was 3 things I managed today.

(1) Doctor's appointment (OK it didn't happen but the intention was there)
(2) Didn't ignore post
(3) Made appointment with CAB

I haven't faced all the unopened post that it stacked up in various places in my bedroom yet.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

You're doing great, well done for taking your medication, hopefully, it will kick in soon. Don't be embarrassed about anything, you've got a great friend there ! Above all else, remember, mountains are big, but people do climb them. Please stay in touch Flowers, we're all here for you, round the clock, should you need an ear. 🙋🏼

[StumblyMonkey]

Sounds like you're making amazing progress bearing in mind your depression. I know how hard it can be to do the simplest things I once cried halfway through mopping the floor because I was overwhelmed by the thought of mopping the rest.

Haven't had chance to PM you this evening and off to bed but just wanted to drop in on the #teamflowers thread and will PM you tomorrow morning

[Greenfingeredfun]

You're doing great op.. typical doctors keep us waiting ages for our appointments because they're running behind, but won't see us if we are a bit late.
You've got a good friend there