I've fucked my life up. Can't bring myself to start dealing with it.

[Flowersandcats]

Sorry if this OP is a bit all over the place. My biggest issue is that I am not acknowledging what is happening so it is difficult to put it into words.

I am an alcoholic and I have MH issues. Over the last few years my life has been falling apart. I haven't worked in months. I am thousands of pounds in debt. Massively behind with my mortgage. I owe money to everyone. I have borrowed money from my parents. I lie. I lie about everything. To the point that I feel like I'm not sure what's true any more.

I haven't opened any post in weeks. It's an external mail box, I haven't even looked in there since the new year. There are probably court summons in there.

I can't face dealing with it. Like if I don't acknowledge it then none of this is happening.

I bought a whole bunch of painkillers recently. Bought from five different shops so that I could get round the "one box only" thing. I don't plan to take them right now but they're here in the house.

I'm not doing anything to address anything. I had a counsellor but I haven't been for the last 2 weeks. Couldn't face leaving the house. Although she did suggest that I may have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I fantasise about being imprisoned or hospitalised so that all power and control will be removed from me and I won't have to have to make any decisions any more. (I appreciate that this isn't how it works.)

Most people don't know. I was out with friends on Saturday (not drinking). I am sure that they would have thought everything is fine.

I don't know what I want from this post. I posted a few months ago under a different username and I haven't done anything to deal with it since. Things are worse.

[WhoWants2Know]

Op, your thread had been encouraging for me. I've been melting down all week in a similar way to your original post, chest pains and all. Because I lost the plot over the past year, lost one of my biggest clients and struggled to carry on working with depression and fatigue. And in the process, I totally fucked up and forgot to tell the Tax credits people. So I used way less childcare than they paid me for because I was home sick and not earning so often.

And now I have a letter asking for childcare receipts and bank statements and contracts. I've never even thought to ask for a receipt! I'm meeting with the childminder to find out how much I actually paid and she's been amazing- but I am scared shitless about how much the overpayments are and how I'll survive financially.

[Bluefrog26]

Sounds like you're doing really well and are an inspiration to us all. I suspect everyone has buried their head at some point, I know I certainly have. I'm going to try to be more like you and deal with things head on. I've done it in the past but it's exhausting and makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep! Well done and keep us posted

[dowhatnow]

and probably 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but keep plodding on. Eventually the journey will be worthwhile.

[StartledByHisFurryShorts]

Thanks so much Hiding and dowhat. It's all very much 'one step at a time'.

[dowhatnow]

Hear Hear Hiding

That's really positive. When it all starts getting too much for you again - and you will have bad days - reread this thread and see how brave and strong you have been.

[Hidingtonothing]

Only just found this thread OP but wow, you're amazing. It's all too easy to get into a mess but bloody hard to dig yourself out and you're doing it, bit by bit you're sorting it and I think that's incredible.

Keep going, don't let the bad days negate what you've achieved because you're still miles further forward than you were. It's ok to have days where you don't feel like you're getting anywhere because, actually, you are. It was never going to be a quick process, just keep inching forward, that's still better than being stuck where you were.

I know it might not feel like it at times but you are incredibly strong, you're dragging yourself out of the shit by your fingernails and that takes serious guts. You will look back on this when it's over and (hopefully) realise just how brave you are and how far you've come. I have nothing but admiration for you OP, I wish you peace and happiness for the future

[StartledByHisFurryShorts]

Oh and I posted that all under the wrong name, I've realised. D'oh! I am OP's Other Identity. It's still me.

[StartledByHisFurryShorts]

I saw the CAB for the second time last Monday (13th). There's obviously no magic wand in terms of the debt but it has established that my main priorities are (a) ensuring I get some kind of income whether it's from JSA/Housing Benefit or from (preferably) getting a job and (b) keeping my creditors updated, informed and - hopefully - reassured that I'm sorting my shit out.

That second one is the most difficult. It's hard to make those phone calls. To pro-actively phone people and explain that I have a debt problem and I'm doing x, x and x to address it and can they put a hold on my account so that I can come back to them within the next few weeks with a reasonable proposal?

They have all been accommodating so far. CAB chap (and many of you Mumsnetters who responded on this thread) emphasised that the thing creditors really don't like is people going quiet on them. It's so true! They have procedures. I am, it seems, not the first person in the world to have got myself in this position.

It's a long way from being sorted but I'm not terrified from minute to minute that someone is going to turn up at my door and tell me to leave. I was before.

And, happily, when I do get over my initial fear of phoning Mortgage company/Landlords/banks etc and actually ring them, I seem to switch into "professional" mode. I have had plenty of admin/customer service officey-type jobs. Supportive Friend (who is still providing a lot of both physical and virtual hand-holding) said that I sound very together when I'm making the calls. And he's seen what a blubbery wreck I am beforehand.

SF has also taken away (at my request) the multiple packs of paracetamol. I was sorting out my bedroom and stacked the boxes of paracetamol in the kitchen ready for SF's next visit. I then had a panic attack and he came round shortly afterwards and I gave them to him. (Well, I kept a box of 16 for the medicine cupboard but he took away, I think, 96.)

And that was a loooong post. I'm partly using this thread as a diary now but I did also want to let anyone who responded and supported me before know how things are going.

[dowhatnow]

Well done op. You've come so far since that first post. You should be so proud of yourself. There will be wobbles but don't lose heart and yes keep re-reading this thread and remind yourself how things can change for the better,

[Ginger4justice]

That's amazing. I've been following since your OP and I'm so impressed how much you've done. Starting sorting things is the hardest bit.

[Flowersandcats]

Hello. Just popping in to update.

Things are still plodding on. I am checking my letterbox every day and dealing with things as they come up.

I have my second appointment with CAB next Monday (13th). Have told my main creditors this and they are waiting to hear from me after my appointment.

I had previously been driving my car even though it wasn't taxed, insured or MOT'd. I knew it was a criminal offence, obviously. But, you know, I was making a lot of stupidly poor life decisions back then. Have now paid the £97 fine to DVLA and declared my car SORN. Once I have some money, I will sort the car situation out. (Am not currently using the car, obvs.)

I have applied for Jobseeker's Allowance (and asked for it to be backdated to when my contract with my previous employer ended).

Contacted my previous employer regarding two days work that I worked and didn't invoice them for back in November. That's £300 before tax.

Saw the GP last week. I have been taking my AD medication every day since I started this thread.

I've had a couple of wobbles. I was in a bad place a couple of days ago. I wasn't planning to see Supportive Friend last weekend but I sent him a bunch of texts on Saturday morning which had him hurtling down the A3 in order to give me a cuddle.

I know I'm in a much better place than I was two weeks ago. (I have just re-read my original post to remind myself how bad things were.)

It's a long process. Supportive friend is still being awesome. Both my cats absolutely love him now.

[wheezles]

How are you feeling today? :)

[MusicIsMedicine]

I went through this after a terrible few years. The debt and other stuff is fixable with a plan and time. But your physical and mental health recovery must come first. Don't overload yourself or it will become overwhelming. Do only one task a day and accept recovery is a process. Please pm me for more help.

[Suzytwoshoes]

Haha! He sounds brilliant, just the sort of person you need in your corner.

Hope you have a good day today!

[Flowersandcats]

Oh, and SF got involved after I sent him a link to this thread. Having written it out once in the OP, I couldn't bring myself to explain myself a second time.

But he's now promised that he isn't going to read it. Which is handy because I might want to talk about him.

[Flowersandcats]

I'm glad your SF is there for you! He sound great!

He really, really is. And not just because he bought me a massive jar of massive gherkins from Lidl. Not even because he bought me a new pair of shoelaces for my Doc Martens while I was having my CAB meeting and then re-laced my boots while I was spending an hour or so completing the JSA online application.

He's just lovely. And he hasn't bustled in and taken over. He hasn't opened any of the post or made any of the phone calls. Just been around to support me while I'm doing it.

He has lent me money, though. Which I feel bad about. He's paid my mobile phone bill and my BT broadband bill. I need both those things to work if I am going to get my shit sorted out. I will pay him back.

He said, earlier today, that I should consider repaying my debts to him as the lowest priority. I pointed out that my loan and credit card debts are going to take at least a decade to sort out. I wasn't planning to wait until I had paid of my Barclaycard debt in full before reimbursing him.

So yeah, I think we reached an agreement that I'll repay him when I have an income of any sort and my home isn't at risk.

[Suzytwoshoes]

That was my first too! I felt quite important! Thank you!

[ImperialBlether]

It was like a summons!

[Suzytwoshoes]

I'm glad your SF is there for you! He sound great!

Hope you get on ok on Wednesday Flowers

[Flowersandcats]

I've just had my first notification with the @ symbol!

Heh. I've just done it to Suzytwoshoes too. I'll try not to do it too often. I imagine it could get pretty annoying.

[Flowersandcats]

Have you been back to the GP and hopefully thrown the paracetamol away?

@Suzytwoshoes, the GP appointment that I missed last week was rescheduled for this Wednesday. Supportive Friend is taking me again. It's at 12 so not during rush hour this time but we're still going to give ourselves loads of time to get there.

I haven't thrown the 100+ paracetamol away. It's still hidden in my bedroom. Yesterday, SF asked for a paracetamol for his toothache. I checked the medicine box in the kitchen and only had some ibuprofen and aspirin. I asked "Does it have to be paracetamol because, you know, I have some hidden. I can go and get you some."

He said it was OK and ibuprofen would be fine so it was left at that.

[ImperialBlether]

I've just had my first notification with the @ symbol!

Yes, your imagination can go far further than reality. Please, please keep going back to the CAB and let them do whatever they can to help. You've leapt over this massive hurdle now - you've been fantastic.

[Flowersandcats]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I don't think I'm amazing. I think I shouldn't have been such a twat to get into this fucking stupid situation in the first place.

I also know that if it was anyone else on the planet but me, I'd be a great deal more understanding.

@ImperialBlether - yes, I do. Just a week ago, I could literally feel my heart thudding underneath my t-shirt most of the time. I was in a constant state of low-level anxiety. I had convinced myself that bailiffs/police/whatever were moments away from turning up on my door and telling me I had 30 minutes to get my shit together and fuck off.

I panicked every time a van drew up outside.

Am definitely feeling more in control of the situation now.

[ImperialBlether]

Well done! You've done so well. I bet you feel a lot calmer now, don't you?

[HelenaGWells]

I've just read this and wanted to say that you are doing amazingly. You have totally got this. Some days it might not seen like it but you can do this. Keep it up, you are a star.