Anyone with experience of borderline personality disorder?

[officiallycrazy]

I've just been diagnosed with it and am scared...

Have the same thread in health . Wasn't sure where to post this.

Bloody hell, wish i could do something....anything to help.
Got no advice other than previous posts just want you to know that i genuinely wish i could help

Please, make GP apptment tomorrow.
Allow yourself to be exhausted, there is no quick solution, a cliche i know,but it's a long road to feeling better, one day at a time etc .

You still there?

OMG, ive just looked this up about 30 mins ago after reading this and me and my DH have been sat here crying,

this is me,

every symptom on the page i read was me, to a t.

i feel sick

i guess the next step is the GP

bloody hell

well, officiallycrazy, blow me if this thread hasnt hit a few nails on heads - and im not even changing my name or anything because i refuse to be ashamed of who i am or any problems i may have.
so first off, THANK you for starting it

ive lived with every one of those indicating factors (aside from threatening people) in varying degrees for most of my life, mostly without any professional support or help... and im pleased to say that on the whole, i love and accept who i am, and am able to recognise, address and change behaviour patterns i dont like in myself in order to be more like the parent i want to be.

what im trying to say is; you can control this, it doesnt have to control you.

im actually reeling a little from reading this thread and links from it....

i agree nappies,

actully im going to be honest too, i posted under 'itjustdescribesme' because most people on here seem to think im a nutter anyways, and people would take the piss out of me,

ive felt depressed for so long, but i thought i 'wasnt really' as one day id be feeling like shit, and later in the day id be happy as larry,

in fact i just had an 'episode' about 2 hours ago, i completely flipped out because my DF was going out with his mum for 30 mins, i completely freaked, crying asking him not to leave me - why was he chosing her over me, crying, threatening him.. ect

now it sounds crazy, and i feel stupid for doing it, embarresed but at that pointin time i felt like the world was caving in and he was leaaving

at least i know what it is now and i can try and sort it out

it just seems like everything ive ever felt, and every problem ive ever had is written there on the 'symptoms' page - like it was written ABOUT me specifically

im really scared to post this, maybe i shouldnt - but i just feel; shit scared but relieved that i know whats wrong,

That's really positive,something good has come out of this.
I'm out of my depth with giving advice, but it seems ocrazy needs to seek help with her low mood asap
Seems like a whole load of us in the same boat.

Yes, I'm still here. I'm seeing my psych this week alcyone, and I can probably hang on until then. I have his pager number if things get too awful. I never really understand that though - surely when you become acutley suicidal to the point of it being life threatening (as opposed to permanently thinking about and wanting to die and only formulating half-plans), you're not going to tell anyone? Anyway, I'll be ok so please don't worry. I'm like this all the time... I do appreciate your concern though.

I'm just fed up of feeling empty on the inside and my body hurting on the outside (because of self harming). When I do these things, I know I'm doing something silly and don't want to want to do it but I can't stop myself.

itjustdescribesme, I'm sorry I upset you. I hope you are ok. I didn't even consider that this might cause other people to worry about themselves. And, NappieGalore - it is nice to see someone on this side of things who is brave enough to say it without namechanging. You always sound so balanced on here - like you know who you are and what you are saying. Yours is a very positive story and you obviously do well living with who you are. I'm so glad. Thank you for telling us. I am still in shock and am not ready to 'come out'! I have also said a bit too much about my suicidal feelings to say who I really am (I am a regular though).

Thank you all

kittylette, I didn't know it was you... hope you are ok.

OCrazy everything you describe is just how i described myself 10 years ago, honestly,it is overwhelming,and itt appears for many others also.
Glad youhave so much support

Thanks Alcyone. I'm so glad that you are 10 years on in this and are still there and coping. I'm sure it's not easy for you x

hey thanks OC
fwiw - i dont think of myself as a 'nutter', not at all. and what sophable said about most people having some mental difficulties or other... i think thats almost undoubtedly true. we all have our challenges i reckon!

besides, who in the hell wants to be 'normal'??? christ, thats my worst nightmare; to be bland, nothing, invisible...

i hope you and everyone else on this thread (and prob a few lurkers too) find some peace and the help we all need to find that peace, and balance in life - and that we all manage not to 'pass on' our problems to our dc! (ok, so thats my worst nightmare!)

Message withdrawn

Officiallycrazy,- its difficult to offer support online, as no one really knows the full circumstances, but I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so low.
I do know what you mean when you say"If you could just die", there is a big step between wishing to be dead, and actively planning to commit suicide. I hope that you can, with the right help stay on the right side of that step.
You mention that you are tempted by various opportunities around you, pills, tall buildings etc. Try and be as honest as you can with the professionals involved in your care. Are these fleetings thoughts, or do you dwell on these "opportunities"? Do you ever find yourself, deliberately or subconsciously choosing the route home past the tall builing or the chemist? Are you afraid to be near these things on your own, in case of what you might do?
Have you ever made any previous attempts to end your life? You mention self harm, which I have taken to mean cutting or some such thing, not overdoses, but just checking.
Do you drink alcohol at all, or to excess, take ilicit drugs of any kind, these are all incredibly dangerous substances to you, while you are in this frame of mind.
What kind of picture do you have of tomorrow, the day after that, next week, a month from now, maybe a year, what about in 5 years time?
I don't know why the Ed pysch said to you that it was better for a child under 5 to lose their Mum. Maybe this is backed up statiscally, but make no mistake about it, this would be the worse thing that you could ever do to your child, even if (and I don't think this) you are the worse Mother ever.
Depression is classically accompanied with feelings of "my child/my family would be better of without me", and this also applys to the low self esteem that I have no doubt you suffer from. Your rationalisations about leaving your child, are just that.
I think you are currently fighting a very difficult battle, one way is life, and the other, is so final. So many people who survive serious suicide attempts relate a feeling of relief at living, and even acknowledge that they regret their actions as their feet leave the building or whatever.
I have also worked with a man who jumped and was paralysed for life. I feel as if I am scraremongering now, and know from experience that, this wont work.
Your post has worried me, and I just hope that you are discussing these risk factors with your cpn/sw/psychologist, and they are monitoring you carefully.
I could think of a lot more to say, but as I stated at the beginning of my post, its hard in this kind of forum, but I felt I had to respond.
Kittylette and others who have posted. I am really sorry that you are experiencing similar things, I have deliberately responded directly to the original OP, as I felt easier to reply to just one person

Oh my goodness ? I didn?t mean to worry anyone. I know it?s hard to offer support online, especially when you don?t know me or much about my situation. I wasn?t really fishing for help from MN, I was just venting. Sorry I guess a public forum is probably not the best way to deal with this but, in answer to some of your questions, Overun:

Yes, I have been very honest with my psychiatrist and they are monitoring me.

I do sometimes deliberately expose myself to the things that scare me (pills, buildings, train tracks, lake etc). I don?t know why. Sometimes it worries me, other times it?s strangely reassuring.

I overdosed many years ago but I realise now, it would never have worked. It was a silly attempt.

I scratch myself (or cut with a knife ) ? I don?t regularly overdose on anything.

I do drink alcohol maybe once a week, if that, and usually only a glass of wine.

As for the future:

Tomorrow ? yet another day like this
A month ? Either DS with his father and me not here any more or me struggling to stay alive & be with DS
5 years ? If still here then I would like to be happy with DS. Or just not be here.

I know if I do anything, I have to do it properly ? I can?t mess around with half-hearted efforts and, at the moment, I can?t think straight for long enough to formulate a proper plan, so I feel relatively safe with myself for now (other than the self harming which is making me miserable because it hurts). I don't want to give up yet.

Thank you for the support.

I hope that others who feel like I do are ok.

hey OC - how you doing today? {smile]

you sound like me 10-15 years ago. really. except i didnt do self harming and i did do lots of sex n drugs n rocknroll, so to speak. i was basically on self destruct and absolutely desperate for someone to notice, figure me out, and help me! was a v v lonely desperate dark time on the whole. thankfully i didnt have dc then, just lil old me to be irresponsible for.

you are getting the help you need and you are communicating. you are also, no matter how 'weak' you feel right now, much much MUCH stronger than you give yourself credit for - you must be to be able to post here the way you have. it may be a long road, but do trust that it can only get better from here on in.

take care of yourself, and by extension, your litle boy. it will be a wonderful thing to turn around and look back on this time from a much happier place and know youre not there anymore.

Hi again officially....
sorry don't have CAt- will look into it- we probably could do with the mutual support at the moment but hopefully this thread is providing some for you . It certainly looks as if your feelings are shared by a lot of us out there...diagnosis does not in fact make us 'abnormal'....

I am totally with you on the sort of wish for passive suicide thing. It feels poisonous. And like you the only thing that stops it going further for me at times is DS. I don't know how old your ds is but the older mine gets I can see that it would in reality categorically NOT be a good thing for me to leave him. This can feel like a real burden at times but it does help get you through to the next day when little else does.

What meds have they put you on- after 9 years on a variety of SSRIs, they have prescribed me Sertraline for pregnancy, but I am nearly 8 months pg and don't want to take it now for wellbeing of future ds2. When I have felt suicidal etc while on meds, doctors have suggested I up the dose- which I never have because I always want to prove to myself I can get through without (too much) help but this might be counterproductive thinking on my part.... If you are having suicidal thoughts regardless of intention to act on them, you should be able to get an immediate appointment with your doctor/psychiatrist to discuss how the meds etc are or are not working for you (not that it works like that in most areas, I know). Hope the day is bearable for you. xx

Don't have time to post for too long as I am off out.
But I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't trying to discourage you from "venting online" whatever works for you, I imagine that it is encouraging for you to chat to like minded people on here. So please don't feel that I was asking you to censor yourself I am just aware that it can be difficult to get a clear picture from episodic posts.
Anyway, I am glad that you feel unable to plan sufficiently for suicide atm, and hope this inability carries you through to a time where it is no longer something that you contemplate.
I'm also pleased that you are being open and honest with your psychiatrist, and hope that the professional relationship continues to work for you.
As for the self harm, I wonder if your area offers specific counselling and support re self harm? Where I used to work, there were professionals including myself who has a particular interest in this area. There are ways of trying to help some one to gradually reduce their self harm, in a way that doesn't involve saying "stop right now". It also explores methods for subsituting the self harm that you are doing. As for these "scratches" as superficial as you say they are, make sure that you keep them clean, plaster/bandage if necesscary. Looking after your wounds, is a good step forward, as apart from the practical side of things (stopping infections) it also encourages you to take responsibility for what you are doing, and to give yourself some tlc, which hopefully gives you a positive message

Hi OC how u doing

Hello all. Thank you for checking on me. I quite like that I have this thread - it makes me feel accountable in some way.

I know I'm on the right track... and I hope I'll get there one day. This morning was awful but now I feel much calmer and more peaceful. It's funny how much feelings can change in a relatively short period of time. I do look forward to the day this all seems like a bad dream...

Charlieq, how are you today? Let me sort out an anonymous email address and I'll post it on here so you can contact me. I have a gmail invite so I'll post it later if I manage to sort out an account. I think some mutual support would be great (for me, at least ) although this thread has been FANTASTIC, so thank you to everyone who has posted.

I'm on Sertraline and an anti-psychotic but am not convinced either of them are doing anything. I hate taking medicine for no reason but I suppose I just have to wait and hope. We discuss it everytime I see my psych but they don't seem keen to give me anything else or increase the dose (they think I can't be trusted )

I don't know if there is anyone here who can help with the self-harm. My psychiatrist is really good about it though, although I do seem to be doing it more and more which probably isn't a good thing but better than the alternative, I think. My wounds aren't bad just numerous, but I am keeping an eye on them - it's nice to be told to look after them, so thank you Overrun. How weird is it that I have to hurt myself & look after the injuries to make myself feel cared for?!

Thanks again

hi officially crazy,just posted on your other thread in health.

my best friend has bpd. before her treatment/meds, she was doing everything on the list of symptoms for years, as long as i can remember. that label of bpd has allowed her to get help, life is better for her now, no not perfect but better.

further to what overrun said, when she was being treated, she was told if she had the urge to self-harm,to use ice cubes as you could get that pain/release thing but not lasting damage.

are the moods and feelings lower or higher depending on time of the month? if you feels the meds aren't working you may just need a different combination or dose, bestfriend has done this many times before getting the right mixture.

i hope you find some peace and happiness in life eventually.take care.xx.

HK78, thank you for your posts. I feel as if I have no close friends these days, lots of friends but no-one I trust enough to tell all this to, so it is lovely to hear how you speak of your best friend. She is very lucky to have you and I'm sure you think the same of her. I hope you don't mind, but I have copied the post from the other thread - I think there are other people on here (& maybe lurkers too) who might find it useful to read. Thank you for taking the time to post (twice!)

hi officiallycrazy, i've only just seen this thread. i am sure you are not 'not a nice person' you are simply a person who has suffered in life and this is how it manifests itself.

my beloved best friend was diagnosed with bpd a few years back (after a breakdown which had been building up for years tbh).

(in her case, giving it a name was better than the years of uncertainty knowing something was wrong but not knowing what)

there are a lot of sites online about bpd, however a lot of them are not that helpful, i'd recommend \link{http://mind.org.uk\this they are very much giving you the facts and not opinions iykwim. (sorry not good at doing links)

we've talked about it a lot and we both think that, yes my friend does match the list of symptoms (well, she used to before the treatment and medication) but that so do lots of other people we know who don't have that label, so who knows?! it's just a name for a group of 'issues' it doesn't make you into a different person

at the moment, she is still on the same medication and probably will continue that indefinitely, (but if you were diabetic you would accept taking insulin,so don't rush to come off the meds)if you are still feeling depression maybe you need an adjustment or change of tablets?that has happened to her several times.

BUT she has built her life back up when she didn't think she would, a good life and friendships/relationships are possible. (she has 1dd, boyfriend,me,brother)

try not to feel scared, it's one day at a time, and on days when that feels too long, then it's an hour at a time.whatever works for you at the time.keep your chin up.

In case anyone is interested, there are two websites I have found useful:

As HK78 said, mind.org.uk has a lot of helpful information about BPD

and Wikipedia

Charlieq (or anyone else), you can contact me at:

officially crazy now @ gmail . com (no spaces)

Thanks everyone.

Hi OC,i hope all your responses have gone a little way to helping you realise that you will eventually be able to take control.When it comes to self harm, you will need help in breaking the cycle of behaviour. The first step for me was recognising the feeling that i needed to, and then agreeing taht i would do something else instead [something less harmful].not easy as cutting my self was like an addiction, made me feel again!Sorry if i am waffling, but something as simple as mad dancing to a favourite song or singing REALLY loud actually helped change the behaviour.Again not qualified to give professionalk advice,just sharing my experience