i didnt feel safe this morning

[happyfrown]

dd left with ex dp for the day. I wasn't up and ready so was apologising but was blanked. when he did speak it was cold and arsey. when they drove away floods of death plans washed over me.

I felt like my thoughts were going to over power my will to stay here for the kids this morning.

If he is an x dp, it is likely he is not all lovey happy towards you so him being cold and arsey might be part of the territory..

That apart how went your day?

im not expecting him to be fluffy and warm towards me. and in all, that wasn't mainly why I felt so bad. its every thing at the moment and it just started my day bad. thought if I wasn't here I couldn't piss people off any more. I was really scared with what was going though my mind.

even though I think about giving up all the time the thought of my kids being left behind keep me going. but yesterday I struggled to even bother about any one I left behind

Happyfrown, how are you feeling now?

I don't even know glad that I managed to fight of those feelings but feel devastated I have to get through another day.
I just feel so numb think im on auto pilot. I spent the day staring into space.

I was going to call SS? I don't know what support I need?
the ds's dad is suppose to be taking them on (their choice) but struggling to find some where to live.
dd is very much dependant on me and it would break me to think of her crying for me. I cant lose her. but I feel I have nothing to offer I don't know what im suppose to do

@happyfrown

What age are your dc's, is there a back story you would like to talk about?

Can you get an emergency doctors appointment in the morning? It might help to talk to them

scarlett docs will only offer ad's, im waiting for therapy which I thought for for a year to even be referred then another year to get to this point, was told I should be seen this month.

missmalteser dcs are 15,12 & 6. ive struggled with being a parenting, found it all too overwhelming. I have bpd/eupd my moods and emotions are all over the place. with lack of support and love growing up im just a stone cold person.

fought not thought for

I'm in a similar position to you with the way I've been feeling. Some days just making it to the end of the day is an achievement. Like you it's my children that keep me fighting to be here. But along with that comes guilt that you even considered leaving them. It sounds awful but having my children to make me stay here sometimes feels more suffocating, like it isn't a choice I'm making at all, just a necessity to be here for someone else's sake rather than my own. In essence that's a good thing but it feels like a heavy weight to bear when you're completely worn down.

How are you feeling today? You said your doctor would only give you ads, are you on anything already? Is there a reason you don't want to take anything/something different?

yes that's how it feels, im not happy im just existing for the DC's but their life is miserable because I cant function, I cant be a proper mum. guilt rips through me that I cant give them a better life but knowing how it would damage them if I left them is just as painful.

i struggle to socialise, my home is my comfort zone and i don't like people in it - including dc's friends. they are lonely, we have no family so its just us.

AD's wont fix the problem they just mask it and make me a zombie, so im just the same without them. ive take different types or 4/5yrs. im hoping next therapy may help.

Its very scary when we have these dark thoughts. Does your GP know about these thoughts? It is definately worth letting them know as it sounds like you are at crisis point and your priority level for tratment from mh team may have changed. You can also call crisis team yourself, the number should be available online or through your local hospital switchboard. Or you can attend a&e and they will keep you safe and get crisis team to assess you. to you

they know I have these thoughts but ive always said I don't think I could because of the dc's. but on that morning I really didn't think they were better off with me here.
I didn't want to ring crisis, there would have been no one to have my ds's and I was worried they'd think im an unfit mum.

I can understand your worries, reaching out for help doesn't mean that you are a bad parent, it shows that you are taking responsibility for your health, which can only be of benefit to DC. DHs experiences have been of crisis team supporting him at home even when he has attempted suicide.