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Original poster

Downward spiral.

26 replies

BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 19:42

I'm not sure if this is more suited to the MH board but I can't seem to get the 'new topic' link to work on there :/

I'm in a massive downward spiral. I have severe depression and anxiety (medicated, no other input from services). All I think about is hurting myself and how much I don't want to be here.

No children to worry about, no-one who's really all that bothered about whether I'm here or not tbh. I can't sleep. I spend so much time lying on the floor just.. existing. It took me an hour to work up the effort to log-in on my laptop this morning, I just stared at the stock photo on the log-in screen and couldn't think of a reason to do anything else.

I am so tired and so done with everything being so hard. No idea why I'm posting, other than to ask for a virtual hug or a kick up the arse to sort myself out?

OP posts:
Sweets101 · 02/12/2016 19:44

Hey Bear maybe report your post and ask MNHQ if they'll move it for you?
Is there the possibility of any other input from services?

Original poster
BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 19:48

Sorry, I'll report it and ask them to move. I didn't know if I was allowed to post in this section but thought I'd take a chance.

No chance of services input, I was discharged from the CMHT a couple of months ago. Tbh, they did nothing to help and really just made things worse while I was seeing them. I'm not really worth anyone taking the time anyway, there are people far worse off than my whiny self.

OP posts:
AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2016 19:54

Here's a virtual hug, bear . I get you. Depression is shit. But it does pass, it does get better. If you're slipping downward, do refer yourself back to support services - you are totally worth the time.

And have a look at The Blogess - she's a member of our tribe and she's really helped me when I've had a blip.

Thanks
Original poster
BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 19:59

I do want to believe this can get better, but I've had depression for years and it's only ever worsened (and I've developed other MH crap alongside).

I have no idea how to refer back to services. I haven't got dressed for days, or opened the curtains, or answered the door to the postman (I have at least three deliveries sat in my recycling bin that I can't get it together enough to go and bring in) so the thought of going to the GP is just insurmountable right now. I have agoraphobia so would need someone to take me too, and the only person who could thinks I'm 'better' since I was discharged.

Bloody hell, I'm just actually useless reading that back. Sorry, thank you both for posting.

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AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2016 20:09

Is there a crisis line in your area, bear? That could be a start. Just to talk on the telephone to someone about how you're feeling. If not, call your local Mind and they can talk to you about getting some support.

For now, even a small step is a success. Posting here is a success. Making yourself a cup of tea is a success.

The 'useless' thought is the depression talking. Remember, depression lies.

Original poster
BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 20:16

You might revise your opinion on me being useless in a second. I can't use the phone. It's a huge anxiety trigger, to the point that I'd say I'm phobic about it. I thought someone was breaking in last month (they weren't, btw) and I was more scared of the thought of calling the police than of an intruder.

I want to cry all the time but nothing comes out anymore. My tear ducts have given up on me, I think. It's like I'm so empty inside that there isn't actually anything to cry out. So self-pitying, I'm sorry.

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AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2016 20:24

Oh, that's not at all unusual! I have really struggled with telephones myself and so has my partner. Still do, sometimes.

How about texting? Look here: MIND

I find a hot water bottle to be very comforting. What's your comfort object?

AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2016 20:26

While we're talking about avoidance of everyday things, I can't watch tv as it's too emotionally demanding. How daft is that?!

ladybird69 · 02/12/2016 20:33

Hi Bear I could've written your post word for word. I can't face going to see Dr, I've got list of things that need doing but I can't face doing them. I'm ashamed to say I haven't had the strength to brush my hair and now it's a tangled mess! Kind of represents the inside of my head! Do you feel like you're trapped in this 'moment' I do and it feels so hopeless. I don't know what to suggest or do but just wanted you to know that you're not alone x

Original poster
BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 20:33

I can text, though the cost is a little prohibitive at the minute; I'll have a read of the link and see how much it costs, thank you for that.

I don't think I have a comfort object. Does the laptop count?! I do have an old blanket that I spend all my time with; I lay on it during the day then if I can't (be bothered to) make it to bed, I just wrap it around me overnight and use it as a duvet. I never really sleep so it doesn't make sense to actually go to bed.

I struggle with the TV too. I like to have it on as background noise but I usually just leave something like Challenge on all day, so it's just stuff like Pointless/The Chase that has no storyline. I miss watching actual programmes but I can't keep up with them.

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Original poster
BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 20:36

Ladybird, I'm with you on the tangled mess of hair. I'm ashamed to say that I can't remember when I last brushed my teeth either. I haven't eaten or drunk anything today because I just cannot cope with getting to the kitchen. I'm not hungry or thirsty anyway.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. I do feel utterly trapped. I have no idea how to dig myself out of this, I just want everything to go away.

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MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 02/12/2016 20:38

We're so sorry you're feeling so awful right now BeAwareOfTheBear, we've sent you a private message & moved this thread to Mental Health.

We really hope things look brighter for you soon Flowers

Original poster
BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 20:41

Thank you Fliss, sorry for being a nuisance.

OP posts:
AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2016 20:47

Could you get a drink of water, maybe? Just one task.

Here's another of my comfort objects:

Downward spiral.
Original poster
BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 20:52

Getting water would be sensible, I know. I'm going to wait until 9pm, then do 5 minutes of 'stuff'. 5 minute segments seem to be all I'm capable of right now. I'll get a couple of bottles of water, brush my teeth and find some socks. I don't know what else I need.

Your cat is lovely, what a sweet little face.

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ladybird69 · 02/12/2016 20:54

I want someone with a magic wand to come and make e everything better, I want me back not the shell of a person that I am now.
Bear oh I'm the same hit and miss with teeth, I force myself to drink but have no appetite I go into the kitchen to feed my cat and that's all!
I haven't been out in 10 days and no one has bothered about me!
Awkward I'm the same with tv it wears me out! So it's on some random channel in the background. I used to be a real book worm but can't read either I can't focus.

AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2016 20:55

5 minute segments are great. Excellent plan.

That sweet little face has just inserted her claws into my thigh to express her displeasure at being called an object, rather than Her Imperial Majesty as is her due.

AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2016 20:58

Ladybird - audiobooks! Non threatening ones, so that there's not too much excitement or threat level. Classic serials on BBC radio four can be good.

No magic wand. I wish there were. Just one step after another and eventually you climb out of the hole.

Original poster
BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 20:59

Have a ladybird, this feeling is truly awful. Well done for looking after your cat despite feeling so horrendous, you're obviously caring and deserve to look after yourself in the same way.

I used to read a lot too, used to absorb books when I was a teenager. I can't even focus on trashy magazines now. I used to be fanatical about the Walking Dead, couldn't see the point of starting to watch this series.

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Original poster
BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 21:10

5 minutes done; water collected, teeth brushed, socks found. Should not have found that as tiring as I did.

Awkward, your cat clearly feels you're in need of more training in your position of cat slave. You can't blame her for her actions when she's trying to help you better yourself

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AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2016 21:37

Those are real achievements, bear, well done.

This will sound cheesy but when I have done something really hard (and the smallest things can be really hard when you're not well, as you know), I give myself a hug, tell myself 'well done!' and pat myself on the back. It's surprisingly comforting. Try it, maybe?

I'm off to bed now with comfort object no. 1. Confort object no. 2 usually joins me after a bit!

This too shall pass, bear.

ladybird69 · 02/12/2016 21:40

Thanks Awkward I will try and find something to listen to maybe an old favourite.
(Hugs) back Bear, I missed an s off cats I have 2. I'm pinned down by the old lady at the mo but when she moves I will go and clean my teeth. God knows what ill find lurking in my gums 😉

ladybird69 · 02/12/2016 21:42

Nite Awkward x

AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2016 21:44

Night night, ladybird and old lady

Original poster
BeAwareOfTheBear · 02/12/2016 22:00

I've given myself a little well done for fetching the water/socks, and having clean teeth is enough reward in itself! I keep kind of half dozing off then snapping awake thinking I've heard something or there's someone in the room. I want to sleep but I can't quite relax enough.

Thank you for talking Awkward, sleep well.

Very envious of your two cats ladybird; I'd love a pet but haven't really got the funds at the minute and I honestly don't think I'm in the right place to be a good pet owner. I can't even keep a house plant alive :/

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