Everyone is crying

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

Just need to tell someone, anyone how I'm feeling.
My three and a half week old daughter has been breast feeding almost continually for the last 36 hours, had about four hours (not in a block) where she hasn't been on the breast. She's even been sleeping on the breast but crying the second I take it from her mouth. So I cant put her down, sleep, eat, anything because she cries.

Now my dog has started crying because her dad shouted because he is fed up and angry because I wont give DD a dummy (really don't want to). Its already killing me to give her 3 bottles of formula (she usually sleeps away from me for 60-90 mins after she's had one hence why I have been giving them her)

She's healthy, lots of wet nappies, gaining weight but has reflux so is on infant Gaviscon 3 times a day (this is the other reason for the bottles, only way she will accept the gaviscon) and now she's only pooping once a day. Huge poop doctor said not to worry and keep up as we are. There's tons of milk because even when she has finished feeding and I try expressing I can get a lot out, never actually managed to empty the breast? Feeding support worker said I just have a large supple and am fast at replenishing?
Just made up her bottle and she cried the whole time I was making it, ddog has been crying for the last half hour because of dp shouting. I have fairly bad post natal, saw doctor and on lofepramine along with ptsd caused by traumatic experience with dd1 and her following death. Keep having flashbacks. Supposed to be under the perinatal mental health team, they saw me for an assessment while I was pregnant and said I needed support but haven't spoken to me since apart from 5 mins on the phone last week when I had my doctors appointment. Struggling with thoughts of SH, used to have issues with this.

DD has just finished her bottle and now wants back on the breast, just cant stop crying, feel like an awful mom. I know she is gaining weight so she must be getting enough milk but the constant feeding is now making me doubt myself. Feel so lost and alone. I love her so much I just want her to be happy

Sorry for the rant just needed to let it out somewhere.

I have no idea, usually I just respond to anyone who views c-sections as "not a real birth" with "show me the scar where someone sliced you open to save your childs' life and I'll show you mine". Don't get me wrong I wanted a natural birth desperately with my first, with my second I would have preferred it but I just wanted her out safe, and I admire the women who have them sososo much, but seriously... a birth is a birth, whether surgeons help or not. She didn't actually upset me, just angry at her, but right at the time caught me off guard.

The doctors are so good here,I just keep reminding myself that they are a much better hospital and the doctors know what they are doing. They are brilliant, if anything they are as over cautious as me, poor love has had more tests, scans and appointments than any other healthy baby on the planet (APGAR of 8 at newborn and 9 at ten minutes later, but it's put my mind at rest because they have tested for everything that affected me, my brother and my first born. Knowing for definite she doesn't have each thing is such a massive weight off my mind each time we get a negative result.

My new HV is a world better, no more sobbing or panic attacks before and after the visits, utterly supportive and I can talk to her openly, massive relief!

I mentioned to her me and DP were considering buying an electric pump (its around £30 a month to rent one or £100 to buy one so will save in the long run) which is why she is sending the breast feeding support worker out. I have a manual pump which i just can't make work for me but they have some electric ones they can lend out. She wants me to be able to try one for however long I need before I decide whether we should buy one or not, and she wants the support worker to help me see how to use it comfortably etc.

DP is coping a little better than he was before, I think the fact I am a little calmer and there is genuine professionals I can call if I need them has helped. The dogs are still fawning over little one. My boy is stood with his head on the side of her Moses basket watching her at the moment (right next to me) and she keeps putting her hand on his head. She seems as obsessed with the feel of their fur as they are with her. They are so careful around her, and so very attentive, she only has to make a noise and they both look over at her.

nursenat I have an appointment with the perinatal MH specialists at last for this Monday, but thank you for the suggestion!

Yay for your appointment greyhound and yay for the new health visitor. Glad DH is coping better. I always find my DH seems to struggle the most when I'm tired/poorly/not got the energy to deal with it, so can imagine how hard this has been on you both. Lovely to hear how good the dogs are with DD. I suppose they will see her as a new pack member to be protected.

Crazy it could be worth discussing IAPT with your perinatal my team? They can refer you in too for therapy to deal with your PTSD which I suspect they won't be able to offer as a service.

Hope the appointment goes well and you start to feel like the support is coming together for you

The electric pump works which is good, if she needs a feed thickener she can still have breast milk.

anxious They definitely see her as a member of the pack, I was a bit worried while I was pregnant that they might be jealous of her but thankfully they just adore her.

Nursenat I will have a chat with the lady when she comes out on Monday, I know they do have the power to refer people onto other teams.

Great that the pump is working for you. Are you finding it a help?

Your dogs sound so lovely. I love my cat but if the baby cries he looks disdainful and leaves the room

The pump is a huge help. Was great last night when she didn't seem to want to settle despite having been on the breast for an hour to be able to hand her a bottle of breast milk instead of formula. She wasn't sick after breast milk!!!! And she's pooing properly again :D Also nice to have the pump as a reassurance to me because I'm paranoid that there is indeed milk there and I'm not imagining it.

My dogs are pretty amazing, I feel incredibly blessed to have them. I think a lot of cats are that way. I love animals and I'd never hurt a cat but I'm most definitely a dog person!

Getting nervous about my MH appointment tomorrow now but I'm glad it's there. Had a break down yesterday because it suddenly hit me, however much I tell my dd about her big sister she will never meet her. I'll never get to see them together, watch them play. It hadn't hit me till then.

I hope the MH team can help you to work through these thoughts and feelings. You have my utmost sympathy.

I do love dogs but with our working arrangements we don't feel it would be fair to get one

I know exactly what you mean about seeing the proof of how much baby has had to drink. I felt the same with DD1.

Huge hugs greyhound your DD can grew up knowing she has an angel big sister watching over her. Its not the same, but it will be special to her.

MH team came today but the woman was called away ten mins into the 90 minute appointment

Got to wait for next week to speak to her now.

On a plus got baby weighed and she has put on a good chunk

Trying to not think too much about my first born, it hurts, sounds stupid but it's literally a physical pain in my chest when I start thinking about her at the moment.