Everyone is crying

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

Just need to tell someone, anyone how I'm feeling.
My three and a half week old daughter has been breast feeding almost continually for the last 36 hours, had about four hours (not in a block) where she hasn't been on the breast. She's even been sleeping on the breast but crying the second I take it from her mouth. So I cant put her down, sleep, eat, anything because she cries.

Now my dog has started crying because her dad shouted because he is fed up and angry because I wont give DD a dummy (really don't want to). Its already killing me to give her 3 bottles of formula (she usually sleeps away from me for 60-90 mins after she's had one hence why I have been giving them her)

She's healthy, lots of wet nappies, gaining weight but has reflux so is on infant Gaviscon 3 times a day (this is the other reason for the bottles, only way she will accept the gaviscon) and now she's only pooping once a day. Huge poop doctor said not to worry and keep up as we are. There's tons of milk because even when she has finished feeding and I try expressing I can get a lot out, never actually managed to empty the breast? Feeding support worker said I just have a large supple and am fast at replenishing?
Just made up her bottle and she cried the whole time I was making it, ddog has been crying for the last half hour because of dp shouting. I have fairly bad post natal, saw doctor and on lofepramine along with ptsd caused by traumatic experience with dd1 and her following death. Keep having flashbacks. Supposed to be under the perinatal mental health team, they saw me for an assessment while I was pregnant and said I needed support but haven't spoken to me since apart from 5 mins on the phone last week when I had my doctors appointment. Struggling with thoughts of SH, used to have issues with this.

DD has just finished her bottle and now wants back on the breast, just cant stop crying, feel like an awful mom. I know she is gaining weight so she must be getting enough milk but the constant feeding is now making me doubt myself. Feel so lost and alone. I love her so much I just want her to be happy

Sorry for the rant just needed to let it out somewhere.

greyhound glad that the cavalry who understand caring for a newborn have arrived. From my perspective I understand caring for a DH with MH problems. Does he have a CPN involved? If so I would get them involved to help support him through the transition to being a Dad to take that pressure off you. I would also contact social services, they are not going to take you your DD away whist she is being so loved and well cared for as you describe. They are there to support families not seperate them (this is coming from discussions we have had with DHs MH team about us having children in the future) They may be able to offer practical support e.g. Supporting DH with meals, housework etc, again to take the pressure off you. You can contact them through your local gateway to care. You need to prioritise you and baby right now and that means getting some help for DP to take the pressure off you, before you hit crisis point. In the mean time, stop looking after him, he won't starve in the short term. I do understand why sleep may be so important for him as lack of sleep is a trigger for my DHs MH to deteriorate quickly.

Just do the bare essentials order in some ready meals online shopping, just wash the bare essentials, don't iron anything, and the house doesn't need to be spotless, so long as DDs immediate environment, bottles etc are clean.

CrazyGreyhound I really feel for you. I could have written your post 3 years ago after DD1 came along. She fed lots, had bad reflux (undiagnosed so wasn't on Gaviscon), and I had awful pnd. The pnd made me second (and third and fourth) guess everything I did. I was obsessed with the idea that I was a bad mum and that DD hated me, that she cried all the time because she was sad that she had such a crap mum and I would SH in frustration. once I was on meds I got some perspective! DD2 is 4 months and I am BF while on sertraline, lofepramine wasn't cutting it and a low dose of sertraline is safe while BF.

YY to the dummy it is very unlikely to affect BF. Your dd might want to suckle to help with the reflux and a dummy can provide that comfort. YY also to holding her upright or in a sling. The sling saved me when she just would not be put down for the first 4 months. I could make a sandwich etc. Even went to the loo a few times! I managed to BF for 4 months but DD wasn't thriving. Tbh switching to formula helped everyone and was the best thing for me to do in that circumstance.

Is there anyone (mum, mil, friend) who can come over and do basic chores to help you and DP?

You are doing so so well. Go easy on yourself. Your DD needs your love more than anything and she has that. Hope the MH team are able to help you soon

Tried to give her the dummy but DP has now decided she can't have one after shouting at me this morning when I wouldn't give her one.

Anxious He has a psychologist and psychiatrist but no CPN, he keeps being told he is on the waiting list for one but as of yet nothing. Up until I was 7 months pregnant when he finally reached the top of the psychology and psychiatry waiting lists after two years I was phoning every week in an attempt to get him some sort of help.

I've just asked him about phoning to try and get some support through gateway as you suggested (didn't know this was an option so thank you!) and his response was I am being "selfish" and "lazy" because all I do every day at the moment is look after her and do the housework. I get I should be able to look after my child and keep the house clean but I genuinely am struggling so much at the moment with it. Even shouted at me because I didn't sleep earlier when he did (she slept for an hour during which time the doctors called me twice, then she cried for the other two hours he slept).
I think I'm already at crisis point, literally feels like the only thing stopping me from SH is the fact she is in my arms, it is terrifying me and the flashbacks are getting worse.

Books Thank you for sharing your experience it is comforting to know it does get better from someone who has been here. I have had sertraline in the past and it doesn't work for me, I had citalopram while expressing for DD1 but they have told me it isn't safe while bf was fine last time? so i can't have that. I'm hoping the lofepramine will work I haven't really been on it long enough to see any results yet so crossing my fingers.
He has no family who could help and mine live on the other side of the country and abroad. The few friends I have lost a lot when dd1 died all keep saying they will help but no one has come. Not even to visit her and me in the three weeks we have been home.

Dp popped to the shop to get himself some ice-cream earlier and has tracked muddy leaves all through the hall and living room, now I desperately need to hoover but I can't at the moment (3.5 weeks post section and have to have her in my arms all the time) another thing to stress over before the health visitor comes out tomorrow. She's mentioned the fact I haven't hoovered at every visit and I know she is going to go mental now

Thank you all for letting me rant, it actually has helped a little just being able to voice whats going on somewhere, and the advice helps as well. I am going to try a dummy when DP leaves the house just to see how she goes with it, If she likes it and it helps then I will take that battle up with DP but it isn't really worth it if I don't know she will definitely take it.

OP try winding DD for longer she could just have wind and be feeding because she is uncomfortable. Try different positions and give it a good five or ten minutes. Sing to her while you're doing it?

Maybe a bath to relax her and break the cycle?

Sorry you have no help with the other stuff. You're doing well considering, try not to lose sight of your instincts. Have you got a neighbour or work mate who is an experienced mum who could share some tricks of the trade with you.

Will definitely give the longer winding a go! She's feeding again right now so will try that as soon as she has finished. I sing to her quite a lot, she seems to have "favourite" songs I know this is a little irrational for me to think at her age but there seems to be songs she calms down to better

She hates bath time, screams the whole time you are bathing her and takes ages to settle afterwards, is this not normal? I've been bathing her first thing in the morning in the hopes she might settle for a couple of hours at night.

Sadly I don't know many people at all round here, (moved a long way from where I grew up a few years back after DDs death), and the friends and colleagues I have in the area just don't seem to care. I have my mom on the phone which helps when she isn't too busy to answer.

greyhound there is no rule thay says you should be able to look after a new born and keep up with the housework. At the moment DD is needing all your time and energy and the housework is definately down the priority list. You definately don't need to be running round after DP with the hoover. If the health visitor comments, tell her that you are not coping. Its her job to support you, not critisise you, although its not sounding like she's been overly supportive to date. (And I know of someone where the health visitor commented on the house being too tidy/clean for someone with a new born - she was right to be concerned as there were DA issues).

DP really does need to step up and do his bit to support you. Have you told him how much you are struggling at how close you are to SH? I get how hard it is to offload on someone with their own MH problems but the support needs to go both ways. I find with DH sometimes I have to stamp my feet to get heard, but once he realises that I am struggling he can offer some support, even when he is quite unwell himself. Its rubbish that they haven't sorted him a CPN yet as I think that one would be really useful right now. Could he/you speak to his psychiatrist/MH team and ask if theres a duty CPN that can come out, explain that the situation is a crisis point.

I would definately give the dummy a go. If DPs not the one caring for DD round the clock, or even for a few hours so you can sleep, I don't think he gets to have a say right now!

Even if DP isn't keen on SS (and you are definately not being lazy, you are caring for DD round the clock, on very little sleep or food and your body is using a huge ammount of energy to produce milk) I would still ring gateway. Explain to them that you are DPs main carer, that you are currently unable to care for him due to caring for DD and your own MH needs and that you feel you need an urgent carers assesment as the situation is at crisis point. The phrase "to prevent admission to hospital" may be useful, even if you think thats a bit extreme as that is part of the SS remit and in some areas they have teams dedicated to providing emergency support for this reason. BTW as DPs main carer you are entitled to a carers assessment to assess your needs anyway, I just think you need to emphisise the current crisis point to prioritise this, otherwise there maybe a bit of a wait. You could also ask HV about posibility of SS referal.

It sounds like where you live is quite remote but wondering if there is a breadt feeding cafe you can get to, might be a way of meeting other mums and feeling less alone too.

From a PTSD and SH point of view, I really do get it. I had a bad day with mine yesterday. I'm assuming your PTSD is arround your loss of DD1 (huge hugs to you and your angel) and can understand that whilst DD is a wonderful addition to your familly, just caring for her could be very triggering of your PTSD. (My PTSD is from DHs last MH crisis and he's been inadvertantly triggering it quite badly this evening) Have you had any treatment for your PTSD?

Huge hugs to you.

Breast feeding cafe not breadt feeding cafe

Crazy,

Infant gab Isco not does nothing for pain. Maybe your baby needs an antacid (ranitidine or omeprazole). It might help a lot. Something to talk to your gp about.

YY to everything AnxiousCarer said. Please try to stop worrying about the housework - with a newborn it really isn't important. Why would some leaves in the hallway be a problem - you aren't going to let DD roll around on the floor there I assume? And a huge YY to it being YOUR decision to try the dummy as you are the one who needs the respite.

Regarding wanting to SH, have you tried any of the tricks like putting your hand under a cold tap or holding an ice cube? In CBT I learned about 'urge surfing' where you imagine the desire as a wave that you will ride out. It is so hard though, I understand completely.

Also have you tried Infacol for wind? It helped DD2 a lot, as did sitting her upright for a good 20 mins after each feed.

I remember the moment I realised I would just have to surrender to the newborn. I wasn't going to be able to cook or wash up or shower or get out of bed and that was ok. It's the reality of life with a baby.

I had a dummy in the house (mam newborn 0-2 months one, came free with bottles and steriliser) and I have had two hours of sleep in a row. Thankyou for helping me see sense she really does like it and I feel a little more balanced seeing her calm and not latched onto me.

The extended burping had some effect aswell. She burped and instead of stopping I carried on, about 5 mins later she burped again then fell asleep almost immediately when I gave her the dummy. Was amazed at how much of a difference the two together made!

I've had a carers assessment while pregnant where they found I am providing a minimum of 86 hours of care a week but no support was offered so I presumed that we were not eligible. I'll contact the carer team again.

There isn't a bf cafe but there's a mums group in the church about 100 yards from my home, I'm going to be brave and go there next Monday, everyone seems to say its a lovely group.

Yes my PTSD is surrounding DDs death, birth, very short life (a few weeks), there were a lot of medical failings during my pregnancy which led to her death. I adore DD two but caring for her has triggered it quite badly especially when I was going up and down to the hospital last week trying to find out if she had what her sister had. (she doesn't thank heavens). I was diagnosed while pregnant, still awaiting any sort of support

I'll mention trying a different treatment for the reflux to the doctor definitely but the Gaviscon does seem to help a little thankfully.

Thankyou hesterton, I will keep pushing!

Dp threw a tantrum when I gave her the dummy then when she went to sleep said "I told you you should have given her one" he wouldn't do anything apart from be vocal about things he doesn't like, he certainly isn't abusive. Sorry if I made him come across that way.

Thankyou so much everyone for the support, kind words, and talking me into giving her the dummy!

She has a special mat that goes in the middle of my king size bed if she is lying somewhere other than on me or in her Moses basket/pram/cot so no definitely no rolling round the floor especially not in the hall. I don't know why hv has such an issue with me not having hoovered she just keeps bringing it up as a concern
Can i tell her the mumsnet mums think she is unreasonable to expect me to keep the house immaculate while looking after dd and dp? can imagine her face

I had cbt a couple of years ago and am utilising the tricks I was taught there but it has just reached that point they are ineffective. I've found looking at dd and repeating "she deserves a better than a mum who self harms" seems to keep me away. The last thing I want is her growing up seeing me doing it or finding out I did it when she was little and thinking its normal. She is my safeguard at the moment if that makes any sense? She deserves better than that.

YY to sitting her up, have been doing that for a while but hadn't tried infacol, will mention it to gp when I see him about everything else and give it a go

Fantastic! So glad that the extra winding and the dummy have helped.

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting DD to see you SH. The thought of them copying is stomach churning. You are doing brilliantly - being tired and stressed are triggers in themselves without your memories of DD1 to contend with.

Oh I forgot to ask if your dog is happier? It is hard for the 'fur babies' when a real baby comes along but it will balance out eventually!

CrazyGreyhound good morning I didn't want to read and run. I can't add much to the excellent advice you have already received except it does get easier! My ds2 fed 24/7 too and at six weeks I had to hold my hands up and say I can't do this any more and changed to the bottle. I felt so guilty but needed it for my sanity.
With regards to the hoovering- with him the day after he was born (so only about 18 hours old) the midwife came out and I was hoovering (I had a very quick and easy delivery) and I remember her commenting 'you must be really weird or superhuman, most mums don't think to hoover for the first six weeks I hop you aren't doing it because I was coming?' We then had a discussion about cleaning as ds1 was fast asleep, and she was saying, that during this time all the focus is on the baby and she would not except sparkling houses she would expect some sort of a mess (we had 2 dogs so hence the daily hoovering). And she's right. Apart from the hoovering going over everything else was I also made sure OH NEVER moved any photos etc- as you could see all the dust! Best advice I was given actually came from my MIL- 'Sunny you live in a home, not a house, a home is lived in and with that comes mess'. And it's true. Sorry digressing, I think your health visitor if she is so concerned should offer to hoover herself!
I also found that ds2 fell asleep better if the Hoover was going and TV on then if it was quiet (and he's still the same now!), also he would always settle or stop crying to the Hollyoaks theme tune (as I used to watch it), so you aren't mad to think your little angel settles with certain songs you sing
Overall from what I've read on here you are doing amazing!

You've got some big challenges but you are managing them brilliantly! You've reached out for support, listened to advice, and are doing all the right things. Your little girl is lucky to have a determined, caring mum like you. I'm sorry the system hasn't helped you as it should. Hang in there, you can hold the fort until the professionals get their act together to support your DP and you better.

Thankyou for helping me see sense she really does like it and I feel a little more balanced seeing her calm and not latched onto me.

Fantastic!

That's exactly the point.

A happy, contented (sleeping) baby is what matters. Forgot any preconceptions you have about dummies and formula and everything else. You have a happy and contented baby. That trumps any amount if preconceptions about any of it.

Dummies. Are. Ace.

I second that pklme

books it's an awful thought isn't it
My dogs ADORE her thankfully and adjusted really quickly, he was just upset because I was crying and DP had been shouting. Now I'm calmer he is happily asleep between me and the Moses basket. He insists on sleeping as close to her as possible at all times! So cute

sunny I may ask if she wants to do it if she complains today, the one thing they told me I mustn't do for six weeks when I was in hospital was hoovering. I just need to grow some balls pluck up the courage to stick up for myself.
Glad I'm not the only one who's baby recognises certain songs! Thought I was going more mad than I already am

pklme Thank you. Hopefully they will sort something Wednesday, if not ny doctor has said he is going to put in a formal complaint about them from his end, he is very very angry. He's also put a few lines on my notes so that if i have to phone for emergency help there's something there saying I've been fighting for help so they know how serious it has been getting. I'm lucky he is really supportive.

FATE I think after everything that happened with dd1 I have severe pfb with little one on top of pnd, incredibly paranoid about doing everything right. Interestingly dd1 had a dummy from 2 days old because the PICU she was in gave her one, don't know why i forgot that you are right, the dummy is worth it!

Greyhound you sound so much stronger today on your posts

Well done, remember in many cultures new mums stay in bed with baby for as long as they need while everyone else takes over, so what you are achieving is amazing. Sounds like you are taking strength from holding your little one, perfect for you both. It will get easier as time passes and her tummy grows, we had no success with Gaviscon or Infacol but something added to the bottles called Carobel was miraculous, quite a natural product which thickens the milk, we didn't look back after the first bottle, I don't know why it isn't more widely used.

sunny I feel a lot stronger, thank you

meeetoooo Thank you, I think my biggest problem is I am so used to doing everything,holding down a job and managing fine that not coping and feeling like I was failing just knocked me completely for six.

Had some good news just... The health visitor has just left... The reason she has been feeding so much is that she has gained 50g on average every day for the past week and gained an inch in length. Explains the constant feeding and the crying growing pains and weight gain Feel a world better having had some sleep and knowing she has been getting what she needs from the constant feeds. Also feels better seeing her content with her dummy

Going to take her out for some sunshine and fresh air, I think it will do us both some good.

Thank you again everyone for the kind words and advice

greyhound so glad that DD has settled better and you a finally been able to get some sleep I am waiting to see a psychologist for my PTSD too so hopefully they get their act together for both of us soon. Glad that DD is able to help you fight the urges. I often find its thinking about DHs reaction if I SH that stops me. I really get what its like to be arround 24/7 and love the person who is one of your triggers . You are doing so well, and I'm so glad your GP is supportive. Hope you get to the baby group next week.

books that riding an urge wave is a really useful concept, will use that myself.

Also regarding carers assessment, your situation has changed since you were assessed as you are now caring for DD too and her needs take precedence. So it would be worth contacting them again to ket them know you currently can't offer the 80+ hours to DP that you were before. To be honest I'm not sure what they will offer as my DH is quite high functioning most of the time and we don't have DC yet so I've not looked into, just been reassured by CPNs that there will be SS support available when we do have DC if we need it.

Hows things going greyhound?

Hope you had a better night Greyhound. Thinking of you