DH sectioned & shit hit the fan

[marymaryhadalittlelamb]

My DH was sectioned after years of increasingly difficult, disturbing & manic behaviour. It was a dreadful time for our 3 dc and horribly stressful for me. I took advice from a support group & wrote a letter to the team treating DH, outlining what he has been like. It was very hard to write & I took this task seriously. After years drama & some extremely distressing incidents, I wanted him in a place of safety where he could be assessed & treated. At the time of writing my account, I felt a huge grave burden of responsibility but wanted to give the medics the full picture. It was not fluffy & listed loads of his mad stuff, although did mention some of his better qualities when well. My DH has somehow read this letter (medical notes, i think) & the shit has hit the fan. He wants a divorce, says I got him sectioned. After everything I have been through trying to support & keep the show on the road, I'm devastated. Did I do wrong??? Was I given crap advice by the support group? Was my subjective letter actually any use to the mental health team??

Firstly, his team should not be sharing anything with him that may cause you harm and distress - you must find out why this letter was shared. They certainly shouldn't be sharing anything with him that would cause him to become unduly distressed either.

Is he still under section?

Can you ask for a couples therapy session to air your opinions in a safe and controlled environment (for you both)?

Also, once he calms down and is getting better he may view this in a different light.

I would accept that divorce.

He clearly has a long way to go before he's ready to live with you again. It's appalling that he had access to your letter. You wrote that in the faith you were doing the best for him, not that he would read it.

Hi OP,

How recent is this section? Is he still under section now? The likelyhood is that he is still very unwell right now and not thinking clearly.

My DH has never been sectioned, but I have had to have him detained by the police for emergency assessment on a number of occasions when he has been really unwell. He is always very angry initially, until he realises how unwell he has been. At that point that he is angry he tends to ask for divorce too. My advice would be not to take what he is saying at face value at the moment.

Are his mh team communicating with you? All the information that you have given them will be useful to them.

If he won't see you at the moment my advice would be spending this time getting yourself and your DCs in the best state of mind possible so that you are as strong as you can be when he is ready to talk to you again. This may take a long time as he is obviosly very poorly to have been sectioned. He may not even realise that he is ill right now. The team will likely focus on getting him well first but as things settle part of that process will be helping him to rebuild his life including his relationship with you and the kids.

My DH and I seperated for a while after his worst crisis (the first one that mental health services got involved with) it took us months to rebuild our relationship and his comunity mental health team were hugely supportive in this process. We had a number of couples treatment sessions which were really useful. Its worth noting though that tis didn't happen in the early days until he was out of crisis, they focused onbjust getting him through the crisis first. He will also need to consent to you being involved before this can start.

Its a really horrible place of limbo for you at the moment, I understand, I've been there too. Give him time, he is being looked after, focus on you and the kids right now. Feel free to PM me if you want.

Thanks Anxious Carer. The section was two years ago. DH believes that he should not have been hospitalised (he was manic & very ill) and is now involved in legal action against the hospital & his bi polar diagnosis. He said that a new doctor treating him showed the letter but maybe he got it somehow thru this legal process? His anger has always been hard to handle & is white hot against me. I think he is getting ill again. We are now separated, not on speaking terms. My questions are - was I given incorrect advice by the support group to write this letter? Why/how would a doctor show it to him now? Would such a letter have been useful to medical team during the crisis? I did it out of deep concern & desperation. When I read it again, it seems a measured account but pulls no punches about how awful his behaviour has been over the past years. I wish I had sprinkled sugar on it but he was bat shit crazy at time of the section & has made everyone miserable for a long time. It was never written for him to see. Devastated that he has

Hi Mary,

It sounds like your DH is grieving about his diagnosis. I would be surprised if his Dr. Showed him the letter as I would have thought it was confidential to you. My DHs CPNs always ask if I'm happy for him to know when I've spoken to them and have said anything I tell them is confidential. He is entitled to request to see his medical notes which will contain a copy of your letter, but anything that they feel would be harmful for him to see should have been removed before he was given access. I think you could make a complaint through PALS, but obviously the damage is done now.

I don't think that you were given incorrect advice and I would think that the information would have been helpful to the teams looking after him. It sounds like he doesn't have good insight into his illness and behaviour, so I would think that background information was very useful for them. The important thing is that it was written from a place of love and concern for him, he can't see that now but hopefully in the future he will do.

Is your seperation since he found out about the letter?

At the times when my DH has been very poorly I've had to act in what I believe to be his best interest knowing that the state that hes in he won't like it, will probably be angry and might leave me over it. So far once hes well enough to realise he's been ill he has come around and realised I've been trying to help.

I really hope your DH comes to realise this soon too.