wish my life was over

[Throughautomaticdoors]

Basically it is anyway. I'm only carrying on because my parents only have me and I know dh wouldn't take the dc to see them if I wasn't here so they would lose all of us.

I've done something terrible to my baby dd and it's ruined all our lives. There's no hope or happiness in anything and everything seems pointless. From buying a newspaper to having a shower to seeing friends to leaving the house. What's the point? My ds is miserable too, he says he feels like I've forgotten about him. I haven't it's just it's taking everything I've got to stumble from one day to the next.
Something terrible is going to happen, I know it is.

What have you done?
Are you having any professional help for your mental health?

Is this about the vaccine? Have you had your medication reviewed/increased?

I remember you from another thread, im sorry you are still struggling. This isn't your fault, it's your illness making you feel this way .

Yes, my poor dd. she's going to be so ill. I just don't think I can live with myself

We are here to support you, so please talk to us and the professionals.

What's happened with DD?

Darling you are unwell. I remember you. Have you got help yet?

I've had some help but I honestly can't see the point of it. It won't change things. I don't know what to do anymore, it feels so self indulgent but I just want it to stop. If I could just flick and a switch and not be here I'd do it.

I just keep going over and over and over it. If I could rewind time I would. Now I feel like I have to be hypervigilant all the time, I'm constantly bleaching and disinfecting everything. I won't let either dc go swimming or to soft play etc. ideally I'd like them to never leave the house

She's had to overcome being prem and being on a ventilator and she's done so well only for this. Well, for me really, to let her down so badly. She's gained weight perfectly, she's now over the 91st centile non-corrected, she's sitting, she's starting to crawl, she's babbling, she's alert and happy and normal and it's all going to come crashing down.

Have you been in touch since with the GP about your meds?

Are you still refusing to consider a brief hospital stay or do you think that may be something to consider?

I've had some help but I honestly can't see the point of it. It won't change things

That's the illness talking. You haven't come out if the other side yet.

When was the last tube you had your anti depressants reviewed? It could be worth increasing the dose of switching to another one.

I can't see the point of it because none of it will stop dd catching rotavirus. Only I could have done that and ive failed her. I feel like an abusive parent. Every time I look at her I imagine her skin and bone and hooked up to a drip, or worse. We are having her christened next month but I've barely but any thought into it, I've put much more thought into a hyperthetical funeral.

I'm seeing the perinatal nurse the week after next and they are discharging me for CBT.

You really need your medication reviewed. Have you stopped breastfeeding now?

It sounds like you're not ready to be discharged from the perinatal service yet, unless you've got another professional involved in your care? You need someone you can call when you feel like this. Wonderful as mumsnet is, you need help in real life.

Are you telling them the full story? The long term visualising of her coffin/funeral, the passive suicidal ideation?

I'm still breastfeeding. Well I'm not because I failed at that too but I'm still expressing. It's in the continued vain hope that it might be giving dd some immunity to stuff and that when she does get rotavirus she might not dehydrate so badly. I've read numerous horror stories online about it and how nasty it can be. She will look to me to make it stop but how would she feel if she knew it was my fault she's got ill in the first place.

It is not about the rotavirus - deep down you know that - before this it was chicken pox, and then it will be something else. It is a symptom of your illness, she's absolutely fine.

Op your dd needs you to be well. You deserve to be well for your own sake. Please get help.

It is about rotavirus though. Who knew has nasty it was? Not me. She's ok at the moment but at any time she could start fitting or being sick because of it. It'll set her development back and she's been doing so well. I keep seeing normal happy families with normal healthy kids and thinking that could have been us.

It is not about rotavirus

You are a family with healthy kids - but with a very ill mother

Have you read back over your old threads? Might be useful.

I have, I have tried to rationalise it but I can't. I keep thinking they wouldn't vaccinate against it unless it was dangerous would they?

Please tell your GP all. For you and for your family.

before I offer some words - can I clarify, had your DD had the vaccination?