wish my life was over

[Throughautomaticdoors]

Basically it is anyway. I'm only carrying on because my parents only have me and I know dh wouldn't take the dc to see them if I wasn't here so they would lose all of us.

I've done something terrible to my baby dd and it's ruined all our lives. There's no hope or happiness in anything and everything seems pointless. From buying a newspaper to having a shower to seeing friends to leaving the house. What's the point? My ds is miserable too, he says he feels like I've forgotten about him. I haven't it's just it's taking everything I've got to stumble from one day to the next.
Something terrible is going to happen, I know it is.

Ok, as PP have said this is NOT about rotavirus, this is about your health and your distorted view of 'what you have done', the perceived risk of a very common, and usually harmless virus, and your mental health.

You poor thing, I really feel for you.

It sounds like your DD is doing really well - you are NOT.

Fwiw, my DS2 was premature, ventilated etc and born at a time when rota virus vacc was not offered as a matter of routine. He was, and is fine.
You are not just 'relying on herd immunity', you have her health and functioning immunity on your side.

A vaccination is often offered on the balance of risk i.e. many, many babies/people need to be vaccinated to avoid one more significantly ill person.
Your DD is no longer tiny, no longer a premature neonate and even if she were to come in contact with Rota she may or may develop any symptoms. If she does they would most likely be mild.

Please seek help for your MH - your poor MH is more likely to affect your DCs than whether or not she had a vaccine.

where is your husband in all this?
i have severe ocd too (not the cleaning kind) have you been referred for therapy?

My daughter is ten, I have never heard of rotavirus or a vaccine for it. I have never had it, DH has never had it, DD has never had it.

You need help so you can enjoy your child.

OP you sound somewhat like me and I have suffer from obsessive rumination. I can perfectly see how you can be feeling the way you are (not because your fears are true but because I have felt the same about other things - in fact I have spent years enslaved to my own particular version of your rotavirus).

The part of your brain that recognises danger is overfiring - it's, i believe, a chemical thing - and I believe you need to find a way to calm it. That is entirely possible.

I found this enormously helpful

www.ocdonline.com/#!choice-old/cxa4

Dh doesn't get it. He just says why can't I have ocd over something useful like tidying up. I do clean but it's mainly in the kitchen and bathrooms. And I bleach things like light switches, door handles etc. I feel very much on my own.

I haven't had CBT before. I'm highly doubtful that it will have any effect.

My mum says that my brain isn't functioning properly because I'm so tired and haven't had an unbroken night's sleep for eight months.

She's probably right, I think you've been advised on previous threads, to stop expressing now?

It's a vicious circle: I'm worried about her immune system so I keep expressing, I'm exhausted so I worry more etc

I agree completely with what Costa said
Honestly I have been there and your illness is making you feel consumed by these terrible thoughts that you are having regarding your daughter.
I know from experience that no reassurance will ever be enough - only when you are well will you be able to see how irrational your thoughts are. I know how these thoughts seem so real and can be paralysing and terrifying please make an urgent gp appointment and ask for help

My heart sank when I saw your username OP - I am so sorry that you have not yet had the help you need.

You need medication.

Please see your GP and explain everything including the suicidal thoughts.

This is a severe mental health issue so you need health professionals to help you get better.

Yy, you need to access specialist help urgently to consider medication and a form of talking therapy that can help with your intrusive, distorted and exhausting thoughts - CBT is one option.

Wrt "can you not have OCD over something useful" - yeah, well, if you did have any kind of control it would not be called compulsion, would it now?? Your H should educate himself tbh.

Contact your GP or your HV or whatever contact you might already have to a MH professional tomorrow and be as honest with them as you are on here

You need to let this go.... Talk to your doc you need help

I just have to try and hold on until my children are more independent and try and put a brave face on it. I've accepted my life is over in any meaningful form.

Can you call the Drs surgery today?

Can you say why you don't want to get help from your doctor? I was hideously ill after my son was born. DP was sympathetic but also confused and frustrated by my symptoms. The person you need help from is a doctor who can and will prescribe you something that will help. If you won't do it for yourself, could you do it for your kids?

She has been on citalopram (if I remember correctly) for some time, however only the OP can say if she is still compliant.

On the last thread she was urged to go back to GP to get meds upped/changed as it clearly wasn't helping. Only the OP can say if she did that and she does not like talking about treatment much as you can see.

OP you have said many times over the past few months that the best thing is to just wait for your kids to be grown up so you can die. It doesn't seem to be a plan that's working out well, tbh.

I remember you from the other thread. It wasn't about chicken pox then and it's not about rotavirus now. You need to see your doctor and take someone with you if needs be so they understand how ill you are. I think you need inpatient care for a while.

OP, please listen to everyone on here. You are ill, which is OK, many people get ill, especially after having a baby, it's much more common than you think.

But you need to go back to the GP and ask for further help. If you do, you can start getting better and then one day you'll look back at this and realize it was the illness talking. I know this for sure, I have a close friend who was the same. Please return to your GP or go to a different one, but please reach out for more help.

I've accepted my life is over in any meaningful form.

You are in no position to 'accept' anything - you are ill, dangerously ill, and your thinking processes are distorted and not based on reality.
You don't have to believe me but you DO need to go back to your doctor and say what you have said on this thread.
You need urgent and specialist help to enable to you get to a point in your life in which you can look back and realise just how ill you are right now.

You are the centre of your children's universe, and if you cannot seek help for yourself then do it for them. You owe them that.

Morning Through how are you doing today?

Have you seen your GP yet?

Still much the same really. I don't think it'll ever be any different. I'm reluctant to get any further help because the help I've had hasn't helped and because it won't help dd. it feels like my decision re the vaccine has ruined all our lives. I lie awake imagining having to tell ds that dd has died. So yeah, no better. It's my own fault though.

Thank you for thinking of me.

it feels like my decision re the vaccine has ruined all our lives.

THAT is a prime example of disordered thinking and symptoms of how poor your mental wellbeing is just now

Just because what help you have had has not helped you yet, does not mean that you will not be better.
It is NOT your DD who is at risk here, it is you.
And if you are not well, by extension your DD is at risk from that; not from a missed vaccine.

You owe it to your DD to seek help for yourself again.
If you don't value your own wellbeing just now too much , please do it for your DD; your love for her is obvious from everything you write.