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Original poster

wish my life was over

71 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 20/08/2016 09:55

Basically it is anyway. I'm only carrying on because my parents only have me and I know dh wouldn't take the dc to see them if I wasn't here so they would lose all of us.

I've done something terrible to my baby dd and it's ruined all our lives. There's no hope or happiness in anything and everything seems pointless. From buying a newspaper to having a shower to seeing friends to leaving the house. What's the point? My ds is miserable too, he says he feels like I've forgotten about him. I haven't it's just it's taking everything I've got to stumble from one day to the next.
Something terrible is going to happen, I know it is.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/08/2016 11:18

I have, I have tried to rationalise it but I can't.

That's the illness talking. It isn't rational or logical to be planning your perfectly healthy daughter's funeral,

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 20/08/2016 11:22

No dd didn't get the vaccine for a number of reasons, mostly my fault but not entirely as was misinformed by the practice nurse. However I didn't think she knew what she was talking about and I shouldn't have believed her.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 20/08/2016 11:23

Well your illness isn't going to let you think anything else, is it?

You have had dozens of examples in the last couple of months on here of people who have not been vaccinated and had not had their kids vaccinated and they've been fine. You have even had posters revealing that their children actually got rotavirus and they were fine - a dose of the shits basically.

But your illness has 100% refused to let you consider any other outcome than positively mediaeval suffering and death.

Your rational brain has no chance against your illness. None.

Your illness has insisted upon obsessive thoughts going in a loop 24/7 for months. Your illness has been the boss for a long time.

And it will continue to be unless you stop protecting it by going to the GP and saying:

I have obsessive and intrusive thoughts.
I can barely leave the house.
I have wanted to die for a long time.
I can't stop visualising my daughter's death and funeral.
I have no support at home.
I cannot go on.

Imnotacelebgetmeouttahere · 20/08/2016 11:27

Ok - I just wanted to be clear before making assumptions.

Firstly - your DD is unlikely to get rotavirus even without the vaccine and in the unlikely event she did, it is almost surely just going to be an upset tummy < my dc4 had it and was managed at home ok>

The main feeling I got from your post was sadness -;'for you and your children who
Should be enjoying life not living in the shadow of fear. I don't say this to be unkind, all 4 of mine have been prem and 2 life-threateningly ill, and it really affects a mothers mental health, but the first step is reaching out for more help Flowers

I attended a few therapy sessions after we nearly lost our son because I was constantly obsessing over his health / surroundings in an attempt to protect him...after A few sessions I realised that obsessing was t preventing anything other than us having a fulfilled life.

I really hope you can get some real life support to get through this patch

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 20/08/2016 16:09

It's actually a really common virus as its so hardy. They all catch it if not vaccinated. My only hope is for some herd immunity but I can't really rely on that. It's a virus that can survive for weeks on dry surfaces and months on wet surfaces and only bleach really kills it. It is much much hardier than norovirus for example.

If I could take the consequences myself and be ill I wouldn't care, it's the fact that I've let my baby down. She's so trusting and innocent. Apparently the virus can make you ill for weeks.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 20/08/2016 16:17

In that case, all of us will have been exposed to it, as will your son as I believe the vaccination is a fairly recent thing?

I had never heard of it until I saw you mention it in previous threads - never heard of anyone ill, or hospitalised, or even catching it

BlackDoglet · 20/08/2016 16:21

I work with young children across many ages and many settings (think 100s and 100s of them!). I have not, in more than 8 years, come across one who has been as ill as you fear. Yes, of course there are tummy bugs but after a day or two of the squits, all is well again.
None of mine have been vaccinated against it (too old) and there's been no problem. To be honest, I'd never heard of this virus years ago. It's just a definite term/label given to an upset tummy and the runs.
Any illness can of course be serious, but it really very (very) rarely is.
You need some help to deal with your anxiety. Please do it for your family and for you.

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 20/08/2016 16:21

Yes we've all had it. Everyone had it by the time they were five pre-vaccination.

OP posts:
TealLove · 20/08/2016 16:24

If it calms you can you organise for her to have the Jab privately?

Costacoffeeplease · 20/08/2016 16:24

And how many of us even remember? I certainly don't, and as I say, have never heard of anyone else having it

QuiteLikely5 · 20/08/2016 16:29

Go to your GP, it's not right that you are reflecting your anxiety on to your whole family.

Can your child get the immunisation privately?

QuiteLikely5 · 20/08/2016 16:30

A quick Google shows you can get it privately.

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 20/08/2016 16:38

You can't - the issue is her age. It has to be given before 14 weeks and 6 days. The nurse told me 24 weeks which is true for both doses but the first dose has to be before 15 weeks.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 20/08/2016 16:41

Ring up and ask elsewhere

CPtart · 20/08/2016 16:42

Vaccine wouldn't be given at this age due to lack of research into safety of older infants having it. 15 weeks is the maximum age for initiation of the course.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/08/2016 16:44

Even if you could get it, your anxiety would latch onto something else, it was chickenpox before. You have to treat the cause not the symptom - your mental health

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 20/08/2016 16:44

There is a casual association with an increased risk of the bowel twisting added 15 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 20/08/2016 16:44

I'm pretty sure at least I wouldn't feel so guilty. I feel responsible for the rotavirus

OP posts:
CPtart · 20/08/2016 16:45

The vaccine itself also not without issues. Have a look at intussusception (bowel problems).

QuiteLikely5 · 20/08/2016 16:46

Rotavirus is vomiting and pooping?

The govt was trying to save the nhs some cash to stop parents going to A&e with every case.

You were obsessed with chicken pox too?

Costacoffeeplease · 20/08/2016 16:49

IIRC you did feel guilty about the chickenpox too

There is no point discussing specifics of each illness - they are not the issue - I can't say it any plainer than I already have

gottachangethename1 · 20/08/2016 17:05

Op, when they give out safety instructions on airplanes they always say fit your own oxygen masks before you help others. This isn't for selfish reasons, it's because if you don't help yourself, you definitely can't help anyone else. This is exactly the same instruction that you need to follow. Without sorting your mental health issues and not for one minute am I suggesting that's easy or can happen overnight, you cannot be there for your children and partner. Please see your GP if you haven't already, antidepressants won't make you the life and soul of the party, but could help you to become a little more stable while you seek further counselling. Don't be put off by the fact that you have already done CBT,
Any people need to repeat this over several courses. Your dd will I am sure be fine. But no amount of convincing you will help, until you start to feel better in yourself.you sound like a good person, you owe it to yourself to get help to feel well.

ElspethFlashman · 20/08/2016 17:09

Yes, tangential exposure to potential chickpox had the OP planning her daughter's funeral back in the Spring. She never did develop chickenpox.

Then it transferred onto this vaccine. The OP has been very very ill for months.

TealLove · 20/08/2016 17:23

Anxiety and depression have a dreadful habit of attaching to insignificant things. Believe me I know.
Everyone here has given great advice. You can't go on like this OP.

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 20/08/2016 17:48

If it was insignificant there wouldn't be a vaccine?

OP posts: