Anxiety is fucking shit

[Emochild]

Dd (14) suffers from severe anxiety

She's missed the whole of year 9 due to it

Camhs have said they can't help unless she wants help -she doesn't want help -she wants the world to change to accommodate her

I appreciate it's crap for her, but it's also crap for her little sister and me

Plans can never be made, eggshells have to be walked on and the atmosphere in the house can change in a moment

I'm done

Your title of your post pretty much sums it up but however awful it is for you it will be worse for your dd. it must be hard when she has said she doesn't want help - has she said why? What self help has she tried? Can you plan things with younger one and arrange someone to be with older one? Please stay strong it will get better. Mind have some good info on being a carer for someone with MH needs. Thinking of you.

She says she doesn't want help because its not her with the problem, it's the rest of the world

She can't tolerate other people in the house, won't even leave her room if her sister is in the house but is ok with me

She has tried nothing to help herself, just seems to give in to her anxiety without a fight -if she is pushed to do anything out of her comfort zone she either dissolves into tears and can't physically move, or becomes incredibly aggressive

She is also incredibly jealous of any time I do spend with her sister

I'm very much her safety zone

emochild that must be so hard for you.

Would she be willing to try something like an app - I use headspace which helps. She does sound very poorly and it must be hard for the whole family. Could the doctor come and see you at home to talk to both of you?

Camhs won't come out to us because we were referred out of area due to waiting list

GP won't get involved because we are under camhs

Anything I suggest is pointless and stupid

Is there a chance she may have ASD?
CAMHS aren't always very good at identifying it, and it presents differently in girls, but if it is, finding out the root of the anxiety may mean that it's easier to work on it with her.
Sorry if that wasn't helpful. I have ASD and anxiety, it's shit

I second possible ASD. Does the fact that she assumes everything with her is fine and it's the rest of the world that's wrong (and needs to change) not tell you that it's not "normal" anxiety?

She has aspergers but camhs have said the two are separate diagnoses

Well, speaking for myself, anxiety is firmly linked to sensory issues, which are firmly linked to ASD. The only way I can recover from anxious episodes is to have time alone in silence (something I'm not getting at the moment, so I'm in the middle of a nasty flare up). If I wasn't 40 and a parent, I probably wouldn't leave my room either.

At her age I can imagine it would be nigh on impossible to take control of anxiety.
It might be worth posting on the SN boards, as there will be someone who can advise you better.

When you say you push her out of her comfort zone, could you try that in a way that means she is totally in control of what she's doing? Is there something she enjoys that might be worth leaving the house for, if done in a way where she can back out at any point if it's too much? Maybe connected to a special interest (eg, I can leave the house much easier if I know I can take my camera and have some time to take some photos, as opposed to no camera and no time out).

For myself, I know now that I can control anxiety better with some sensory strategies like deep pressure or by using earplugs, but it's taken a long time to learn this.

If you're on FB have a look for The Girl with the Curly Hair, it's aimed at girls and women with aspergers, and gives bite sized pieces of information that might help you and your dd to understand how anxiety and ASD are linked.

I have reduced demands on her as much as possible, I draw the line at not taking her out if she smells (washing is a huge issue for her) but other than that we very much do things on her terms

We avoid busy places, when she's had enough, she's had enough

Went to the seaside last week -hour and a half drive each way, we staid for 45 minutes

She likes being in the car and I do take her out for drives to nowhere

But none of this is fair on her sister

I'm a single parent, their dad isn't interested it's too hard apparently

Everyone's stress levels are through the roof at the minute

I'm sorry, it does sound very difficult.
Sorry I can't suggest anything more helpful.
I would post in the SN section, lots of posters with loads of experience.