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Original poster

Would you LTB?

84 replies

WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 18/07/2016 20:56

If your spouse:

Doesn't work, but also does minimal childcare as all DC at school.

Does very little housework, and in fact has the MIL round once a week to clean.

Can't be trusted with any access to money or cards due to a history of running up horrendous debts or buying bottles of wine everyday.

Because of the debts you have to work overtime every day and wfh several evenings a week.

Rarely cooks for the family.

Has lost their driving license so you have to take the DC to their evening activities.

Frequently ends up hospitalised due to self inflicted injuries.

Goes days without a shower and has days when they don't get out of bed at all.

Has put on nearly five stone since you met and no longer makes any effort with their appearance.

Makes huge purchases like a new car and a dog without consulting you.

With all of that going on, would you LTB?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 19/07/2016 07:31

Obviously basted is a typo!

branofthemist · 19/07/2016 07:47

I would try and get my partner to get help. But eventually, yes it would be too much.

I couldn't live under this pressure. Especially when more keeps being added like the debt, the losing of the license.

How did you lose you license?

KittyLaRoux · 19/07/2016 07:52

The adults get to make all the choices. Staying and supporting you is dhs choice and very admirable but I do have to think about the children in all this.
MH is a no choice illness it's shit and I cannot empathise or sympathise enough with you but what affect is this having on the DC now and how will it affect them in the future?

Would it be possible, while you are going through this period of meds change and self harming behaviour to stay in a MH unit?
I am not saying you deserve to be left by your family just that for the children seeing you self harm/OD must have an impact on their MH too.

I am sorry you and your family are going through this and I wish we had the answers and could fix it all for you. Flowers

Notpissed · 19/07/2016 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notpissed · 19/07/2016 07:59

Oh they would so not be better off without you/ her.
This seems a common feeling amongst ppl who are severely depressed but few things can hurt a child as deeply as loss of a parent through suicide.
Changing meds can have utterly spectacular results that allow a person to work through the therapies they need.
Brew

Original poster
WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 19/07/2016 07:59

I lost my license because I have bipolar and had to tell the dvla as I'm obviously not stable. They haven't got back to me yet but my GP has told me not to drive until they do, and that they are likely to ban me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 19/07/2016 08:04

They won't admit me, there are no beds. Instead I get daily visits from the crisis team to make sure I'm safe.

OP posts:
branofthemist · 19/07/2016 08:09

Well losing the license I could handle. It's not like you were drunk driving. It's part of your illness.

Op you have my every sympathy. I cared for mum who has BPD. I also suffer with depression. I don't know what the answer is. It's shit being on either side of this problem.

But I also know I couldn't live with that level of stress again.

Original poster
WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 19/07/2016 08:24

I've just finished one long course of therapy and start the next one next month (for a year). I'll be on the full dose of my new meds in six weeks.

DH has taken all my credit cards and changed all my passwords online for Amazon, Next etc.

I haven't had a drink since last week and don't intend to.

I'm working with services and trying to stick to my safety plan.

So I am trying. It's just been going on for so long that I feel like a lost cause. I don't know why I can't get it together.

OP posts:
DiamondInTheRuff · 19/07/2016 08:31

You can't "get it together" because you are ill. It would be like someone with a broken leg trying to repair the bones purely by willing it to be fixed.

You have listed some amazingly positive things, especially that you are determined not to have a drink. Huge Star for that!

6 weeks. 42 days. Can you come up with a list of 42 little treats - one for each day - to look forward to?

What plans / support for you have for the school holidays?

My baby is due in 6 weeks. It seems a very long way off but also terrifyingly close...

branofthemist · 19/07/2016 08:40

As pp said you can't it together because you are ill.

The big factor for me, in deciding to stay or leave, would be that you are at least trying.

offle · 19/07/2016 08:59

OP it's good you are trying to get help & I hope things work out for you.

if anyone ever needs an example of the hypocrisy on here, though, this is the thread to point them to

ToastDemon · 19/07/2016 09:07

OP I have read another of your threads. You sound like a lovely loving person who is very unwell and struggling and suffering tremendously.
I hope the new medication starts helping you to feel better soon.

Notpissed · 19/07/2016 09:30

I really feel for you. It must be so hard.
Good luck with the new medication.

lisaneedsarest · 19/07/2016 09:44

Based on the facts you gave in your op then yes I would 'LTB' however they are not all the facts of your life.
Clearly you are doing what you can and you are loving and present in the kids lives. You are seeking help for your illness and trying hard to get better. So you are not a 'bastard' just someone with an illness that is struggling and in that case not way would I. Sounds like your DH is being incredibly supportive and you are being too hard on yourself. Stop trying to be this perfect person you've invented in your mind and be the best person/mother/wife you can be each day. Whether that's getting out of bed and cuddling the kids, sitting watching the tv with them or surviving through the day.
You sound like you are trying your best and that is all you can do at the moment. Flowers

MNHQ
RebeccaMumsnet · 19/07/2016 10:23

Hi all,

Thanks for the reports about this thread.

Op, we hope that you don't mind but we've moved this thread to our MH topic now.

Wishing you all the very best and we're really pleased that you are getting some RL help and support. Thanks

Original poster
WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 19/07/2016 10:26

Thanks Rebecca x

OP posts:
beefthief · 19/07/2016 10:53

Hahaha, look at the rank hypocrisy in this thread. When it's the husband, he's a bastard, when it's the wife, it's a terrible shame. Sickening.

ToastDemon · 19/07/2016 15:59

beefthief this is not the place to make a petty point, shame on you.

dangermouseisace · 19/07/2016 19:16

wibbly don't worry about the DVLA. You won't be 'banned', you will probably either be advised to voluntarily give up your license until you are stable, or will have your license revoked for a set period, then have to reapply. I went through this, and after 5 months not driving have my license back. It will happen, and when it does it will be great. In the meantime, if you're worried about the weight having to walk more does make it easier to keep off.

My mum had similar to you (without the self harm that was my problem but she was alcoholic). She was unwell for a long time (depression I think although she was on a mood stabiliser for many years), and she still runs up huge debts my dad has to pay off. There is no way on this planet that my life, or my sisters, or my dad's would have been better then, or better now, without her.

You are unwell, you are in a right hole, but you are accepting support and things will get better. Hold on in there Flowers

dangermouseisace · 19/07/2016 19:19

the basic thing is that your family need you more than you can ever imagine, and having a mum/wife who is temporarily unwell, is far preferable to no mum.

And for your original post I would have said whoever it is needed help, not desertion.

BeenThereDoneThatForgotten · 19/07/2016 19:26

It's sounds to me that you are engaging with all the help available and that he loves you. He shouldn't leave you.

beefthief · 19/07/2016 20:30

ToastDemon it's better than a thread about a thread, which I believe is frowned on. Some of the comments are disgusting, and speaking out against hypocrisy is important.

That said, I genuinely hope any MH issues are resolved, and my sympathy is with anyone dealing with this.

CrochetKnickers · 20/07/2016 10:08

You've said what help you're getting OP, but what help is he getting? Your illness will be having a big impact on him and the kids.

You say that you self harm and that your DH can't let you have money as you'll buy wine, which says you've got a drinking problem. A self harming alcholic mother is not good for the children. You also say that you used to be functioning and hold down a job, so if you've done it once before you can again.

Some people when they get ill, get stuck in the rut of being ill. Their illness becomes their identity and allows them to justify to behaving in a certain way. The only way out of that is to focus on what you can do to be mentally healthy, rather than focusing on what your diagnosis says your behaviour should be like.

Tbh, your description of your behaviour says borderline PD rather than Biplolar, but no one can diagnose over the internet.

Should someone leave their husband or wife because they're mentally ill. No.
Should someone leave their husband or wife because the kids are in an environment where their mum or dad is drinking too much and is constantly unstable - possibly. Like it or not, there comes a time when the kids have to come first. It's obvious that it's not hit that point with you yet, but I hope that you can start to pull out of this and keep up with your plan not to drink again before it does reach that point.

Original poster
WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 20/07/2016 10:19

I have bpd and bipolar.

DH has been offered counselling and groups but hasn't taken them up, we do have a lot of family support though.

I am trying. Some days are easier than others.

OP posts: