Would you LTB?

[WibblyWobblyJellyHead]

If your spouse:

Doesn't work, but also does minimal childcare as all DC at school.

Does very little housework, and in fact has the MIL round once a week to clean.

Can't be trusted with any access to money or cards due to a history of running up horrendous debts or buying bottles of wine everyday.

Because of the debts you have to work overtime every day and wfh several evenings a week.

Rarely cooks for the family.

Has lost their driving license so you have to take the DC to their evening activities.

Frequently ends up hospitalised due to self inflicted injuries.

Goes days without a shower and has days when they don't get out of bed at all.

Has put on nearly five stone since you met and no longer makes any effort with their appearance.

Makes huge purchases like a new car and a dog without consulting you.

With all of that going on, would you LTB?

Yup I would and I wouldn't look back.

It's been bad for a couple of years now, I've always had problems with spending and impulsivity but I used to be able to hold down a job and generally function.

Have you had a set back?

The change of meds recently has knocked me for six, I didn't sleep for a week and ended up overdosing last week so I was in hospital all weekend.

I'm putting them all through so much and it's not fair. And I just knew everybody would tell him to ltb. He says he's not going anywhere but I think I'm just dragging him down.

what do you do OP? Do you still hug the kids - give them emotional support? Are you present in their home lives?

If you are shut in your room it is very different to being present in the house, despite the current shortcomings...

You need to keep on with the medication and the doctor, maybe go an stay with family for a week to give your OH a break..

You sound like you know you need help and that's a good step in the right direction.

The change in meds will fuck you up for a while. They do need time to settle and for your body to get used to them.

It isn't fair on any of you but posting on Mn in such a way, you knew what people would assume, isn't going to help

That's you basically wanting proof that they don't need you but they do. They really do

I'm very loving towards the kids, ds2 is asleep on my lap right now. But the older two have more of an idea that I'm ill and I know it affects them.

I have a lot of input from services, the crisis team see me daily at the moment and I have a whole team of people dealing with my care. I used to be a proper person and now I just feel completely defined by my shortcomings.

Honestly op I think the pressure you're putting on yourself to be the wife / mother you think your family deserve is making everything worse for you. Can you take a break, stay with someone else for a bit and focus on you? It sounds as though your mum is supportive of your family and could help out?

I know it's hard but please try to focus on yourself, and not what you think your oh wants to do.

What was the reason for the change in meds? Are things likely to get better when you've become used to them?

Genuinely, a parent who is poorly but who manages to sustain a loving an affectionate relationship is worth sticking around for.

Don't let your illness do the talking for your whole family. Do acknowledge and seek as much support as possible but don't let it put words into your mouth

I think Passmethecrisps is right.

And from one self harmer to another, I completely understand why you posted the way you did.

Thank you all for being so kind. I really don't deserve it.

The med change was for a couple of reasons, they want to try me on a mood stabiliser rather than an antipsychotic, and the antipsychotic made me fat and sluggish. But it's going to take two months to titrate up to a therapeutic dose.

I'm sorry .life is so shit..im sorry I've nothing helpful to add other than I'm sorry and I hope life improves for you x

My mum went through this when I was a teen. She ended up been sectioned and in a facility for 6 month.

It's over 10 years since she made an attempt and she isn't totally ok but she has a job which she never thought she would, she has found the medication for her and seems like a different person

Yes she still has her down days and spends some days off in bed and we don't see her but she's getting there.

You can get there too.

How far through that 2 months are you? Do you think you can hold on until the new meds are working?

How long has this been going on for? Has he seen a doctor because it sound like he has some MH problems, if he has and you have tried for years and he won't bother then yes Leave him.

My oh had a complete breakdown and went through quite a long period of life like this and I didn't LTB because he wasn't a bastard, he was ill.

It's too easy for Internet strangers not in your situ to say they'd leave or make the "ill" partner leave but in real life it's rarely that cut and dried.

My oh is now really well and retraining and has looked after me when a chronic illness flared up. Our Dd is really caring and has a good understanding that parents aren't perfect and sometimes people get ill and/or sad. I know that's not an ideal situation but it's reality and we have to cope best we can.

Your illness is trying to persuade you that you're not worth the love and support of your family. Do not listen to it. You can recover from this but you need to give yourself a wee break from criticism.

Take care

101 you really, really need to rtft.

It really saddens me that when people thought the OP was about a man everyone said LTB. Awful double standards.

OP having suffered mental health issues myself, please don't be too hard on yourself. Your family need you, stick in there.

OP, no, it is probably not easy for your spouse. But he hasn't left you. And the overwhelmingly obvious reason for that is that he loves you. And your children love you. Otherwise, yes, it would be easy for him to leave you. But he hasn't. He did sign up for this, he signed up for you and when you love someone you sign up for the rough and the smooth.

They love you and they want you to get better and they want you to be with them. LTB is irrelevant when they don't want you not to be there.

I would give them an ultimatum, in that they have say 3 months to seek help, and even help getting the help they required, even if you have done previously.

if not then they would have to move out and until they had seeked the appropriate help then I would more than likely end the marriage, it's not fair to you and the children to live like this, as its showing now it only leads to resentment.

MsJamieFraser RTFT

I've RTFT but I'm going to say what I was going to say before I had RTFT.

No I wouldn't leave them. And I don't think they are a basted I think they have depression. If I promise to be there for better or worse, in sickness and in health, then I mean that.

This is clearly very tough for everyone involved but so too would be cancer or heart disease or diabetes. I wouldn't leave a partner I loved and had made a commitment to because they were ill and times were hard.