This is long... and rambling... apologies in advance!

[NappiesGalore]

Hi

i want some objective input, so am putting it to mn...

i seem to yoyo between utter misery/self loathing and being on top of the world and feeling clever, worthy, nice, good looking; generally good about myself. and when i am in either place, the other seems so foreign, it almost feels make-believe.

one of the characteristics of my down-periods is that i cut off from the world and do not communicate which means i dont get help and am hard to live with, which makes me feel so much worse as i dont want to inflict my mental state on my dc's or my partner (who tells me im ridiculous for thinking that and is a wonderful support to me when im down). and also, during down times, i seem to be v good at holding it together and seeming A-ok for short periods when neccessary (like not crying too obviously as i walk round the supermarket in a daze, hating myself cause i cant even do the shopping properly, or holding meetings/conversations, tho i tend to avoid going out/human interaction if at all possible)

im on my way out of one of those phases now and already its starting to seem silly and a waste of time (it is) and, i dunno, fake even... i think of myself as just being a drama queen (as my mum used to say) and i feel ashamed really, for wasting time and energy being low when im the luckiest person in the world, with no 'real' worries at all!

its almost like i am two people.

i am seeing a counsellor, started recently-ish and a long time overdue (was suicidally 'down' for about 10 years of my teens and never got help then...and then bad things happened cause i ddint value myslef enough not to expose myself to them, so theres a lot of stuff ive just 'put away' and not really dealt with) im glad im doing it, but its hard too. ive always in the past, just worked it out for myself, and not done such a bad job really - to go from suicidal to (what i like to think of as the 'normal') me for the last eight years or so...

what im wondering tho, is whether this is chemical, something that can be helped with drugs. am v wary of taking ad's if its not and who really knows? i dont want ot get 'hooked' - but then again, i dont want my life to be such a struggle if it doesnt need to be! (something Quootie said on another thread made me think this...)

my GP is loathe to prescribe anything - wouldnt give me anything for PND, just said i was tired and its normal and it'll get better... and it did clear, but then, it lways comes back in the end - sometimes for only a day or so, and sometimes for longer...

another thing: i can be bounced from pretty low to happy as larry in no time by external factors... like finishing a task and doing it well and feeling all proud of myself... doesnt that sort of contradict the chemical theory? (tho not always, and not from v low quite so instantly...)

any thoughts? or should i just pull myself together and get on with it - if that is honestly how you feel, btw, i do wanna hear it. sometimes the truth is hard to hear, but i value it and im feeling strong enough to cope with it today

thanks in any event for getting this far, if you have! sorry for the essay!!

A doctor once suggested to me that I take AD's, but I said wouldn't they make the highs less high, even if they made the lows less low. He said yes and I personally didn't want to miss out on the highs. Whenever I am feeling low (which admittedly is usually only for a few days or at most a couple of weeks), I just keep telling myself that it will pass and it always has done so far.

I think the choice to take AD's is a personal one, but having seen a couple of people close to me with prescription drug addictions, I wouldn't go down that road myself.

HTH.

PS - I think everyone goes through ups and downs. It is part of life, but the intensity is probably different for everyone.

well, i think the truth is you are probably depressed, not massively,, but enough to warrant some help

the fact external things can buoy you up is good..but the down time cannot be ignore either

if you have been depressed before, you don't want to go back there...it is a dark and scary place

i;d go with the counselling, maybe ADs, you have 3 young children, of course you are tired, change GP or see a private doc for a second opinion

i had the first signs of PND dismissed and ended up very badly off

sometimes you have to shout and yell for help, not ask politely, x

Couldn't not post as you put so much effort into your post although am no expert.

It does sound like depression. The counselling will help but that takes time. Can't belive your GP fobbed you off when you had PND.

Lots of people who seem to have "everything" suffer from depression. And lots of people who have things go wrong don't suffer from depression. Which to me does make it seem chemical.

A friend of mine went through a very traumatic experience and illness. She got better and seemed to be doing OK. But developed a phobia about dying (or so she thought). Then it turned out to be a fear of being ill again rather than death. She had some counselling and seemed to be doing well but then developed an ovarian cyst which totally threw her into panic mode. She took ADs for a while to just get her through and they relaly helped and she didn't become addicted. The combination of counselling and the ADs helped her.

You are not a failure and it is not your fault. It is an illness just like any other and needs to be treated.

hmmmmmmm.... yes. all true... i do that wait for it to pass thing, and youre right, it does.

my main anguish this time was that it made me snappy, irrational, umpredictable and sometimes shouty and impatient with the kids. whilst i know in my head that this in itself is not the end of the world, i feel passionately that my kids deserve better. even consider leaving rather than expose them to it.

my mum was angry a lot, and unpredictable and its affected my siblings and i a lot. shes not a monster and she did her best, but she was terrifying and absolutley horrible to live with as a child... a lot of the time that is. i dont wanna be that person to my own dc's and i know i am like her when im low...

X posted w budababe and lulu... am just reading yours now...

nappies...the fact you know how she was and how it affected you and you are aware of it , means you are different. you are taking steps to address it and change

don;t be so hard on yourself, we all get tired, snappy and irritable from time to time

the underlying issue is whether you are depressed ..

I second Lulumama on this. I changed doctors when the first didn't take my PND seriously - as if one's confidence isn't bad enough, to not be taken seriously makes it worse. It took all my corouge to see another doctor. In the end it was counselling and ad's that helped me. The ad's provided "my brain with a holiday" and allowed it to recoup and get back some of it's reserves (well that's how I see it!) and the counselling (still having it 2 years on after being diagnosed) allowed me some time to go through any issues, whether current or past, that were affecting me.....or on some days just to sit in silence (blissful ), talk about what had been on TV etc. I was on ad's for 8 months and had no problem coming off, certainly with the support of counselling. Get help, it is a horrible horrible place to be. xx

I agree with lulumama. We are only human at the end of the day. Seeing people argue and make up or seeing how people deal with their anger are also valuable lessons for children to learn IMO. I think people who supress anger are in much bigger trouble as I figure it has to come out eventually...

Ok, more x posts - just read about your Mum, my mum was the same! Interesting. Again the reason I got help was because I "was becoming like my mother".

Budababe - thanks for posting

i think that short term AD use, along with counselling, as you say, would not be a bad thing if it helped. i did actually use prozac for 6m when i was 20 to lift me out of a particularly negative pit i was in (barely left the house for months, was awake and crying and desperate for company all night every night and asleep, exhausted and hiding from the world all day every day... not good.) it worked. i got more in-line with the rest of society, time-wise, got a job, some routine, some money coming in... it all helped me out of the hole. then i came off them. was wary of long term use as my mum had been on them for about 3 yrs by that point! didnt seem to be helping her much, but she couldnt bear to come off them)

lulu - yes. i think youre right. is exactly what id advise someone lese to do (change docs that is) but... everyone seems to think hes so nice and i dont want to seem alluppity and like im 'after drugs'... oh i dunno... one minute i think they would help and the next im thinking 'dont be daft, youll be fine, stop being such a bloody over-dramatic bore...'

come here for a hug nappiesgalore... and thank you for writing this. i can so much relate to some of what you describe. but i have one question for you; are your hormones all balanced? maybe some of your problems are due to hormones problems? does it always seem to happen at the same time every month? maybe you could monitor yourself to find out? i have the same problem with relationships too; ie i hardly call people etc and i think this is due to low self esteem too (from your childhood with your mum. Can i suggest a book to you; "you can heal your life". makes me think i should read it again. hugs xx

Bernie - you sound v sim to me. thanks for posting your exp...

Nappies

who cares if everyone else thinks the doctor is lovely ??

you need some proper help, rather than , oh you are a mum , you;re tired.......it is not being uppity when you have a history of major depression, to get a second opinion

i saw a private GP, worth every penny to have an hour long appointment, and get a real, well thought out diagnoses, rather than a pat on the head or an ill considered prescription

your mental health is just as important as your physical

nanou - no hugs, ill cry!

will look at the book (prob order it and put it on a shelf with a hundred other helpful books ive ordered and not actually read )

good point re hormones. have wondered this myself... i need to keep better track of when i am low to find out if theres a pattern really... (again, this is something i know, but never do, then i feel all out of control and panicky and pissed off w myself for not doing such a simple and possibly v helpful thing... blah blah blah... but yes. i will try to track it and see if theres a link to hormones. thanks for the reminder!

nappies... i was only saying this morning to dh that i want to see someone for my hormones cos am fed up with being miserable 20 days per month minimum..... lulumama; thanks for sharing your experience.

i know lulu, i know... but heres the thing; if i make an apt to see a doc, any doc about this, i'll think of nothing else for the whole wait, rehearsing what to say, but by the time i get there all i'll say is; oh i feel a bit low sometimes, but im alright really, just being silly, never mind me...no, of couse AD's would be ott...thanks for your time, sorry i wasted it' then leave feeling like a twit and little lost scared me, hiding inside, will give another sad sigh and feel all abandoned. again.

pathetic or what??

take DP with you

print out this thread

write it down

darling, i was so ill when my depression was ignored, and ended up in such a bad way..i;d hate you , or indeed anyone to go through that if avoidable]

if you need to cry, cry.....crying is a really good physical and emotional release x

How about writing the doctor a letter, and then sit there whilst he/she reads it?

ditto maybe you could write it all down; start a journal. x

lulumama... was it a painful process to get better? am personally scared to fail ifswim or were you so low that someone took you to see someone? is it ok for me to ask?

Message withdrawn

thanks lulu - and im sorry to hear you had such a hard time...

will print this thread as i think it may be the clearest explanation ive ever mangaged about this, so yes, would be helpful to have.

just occured to me too, that i could have a chat with my counsellor about the poss of AD's on my next session... again, would take this thread with.

DP, while being hugely supportive when im down (makes lovely food for me as i dont eat prop, gives me hugs and affection etc) wouldnt want me to take anything. he is of the grit your teeth, itll pass, school of thought - thinks its normal ups and downs and that i do feel them more strongly than most, but that i need to just learn to ride the waves (man). - he didnt really want me to go for counselling as he was worried it would just open up wounds and not necessarily heal them again... tho he is supportive of me going since its something i really wanted to do.

half the time, i think hes right, when im low, i dont.

Nappies. I had a lousy doctor like yours. I suffer EXACTLY the same as you're suffering now, and as far as I'm aware (and have been taught) it's PND!?!?!

I have it now. Go back on Prozac. Go for a low dose like 20mg a day. It will help and don't panic about becoming addicted. it's your choice to come off them when you are ready. My first DC - I was on them for 6 months. My second DC - I've been on them for about 5 months and don't feel anywhere near ready to come off them yet. So there you go.

I was going from hyper mode to low mode. There are loads of pnd websites which can explain this in more detail.

INSIST that your Doctor help you. They arre not allowed to deny you drugs if you need them.

sorry - have to go out for a bit. how long have you seen your counsellor? do you "connect" well iyswim? do you feel any better since you are seeing him/her? will be back in a bit. x