This is long... and rambling... apologies in advance!

[NappiesGalore]

Hi

i want some objective input, so am putting it to mn...

i seem to yoyo between utter misery/self loathing and being on top of the world and feeling clever, worthy, nice, good looking; generally good about myself. and when i am in either place, the other seems so foreign, it almost feels make-believe.

one of the characteristics of my down-periods is that i cut off from the world and do not communicate which means i dont get help and am hard to live with, which makes me feel so much worse as i dont want to inflict my mental state on my dc's or my partner (who tells me im ridiculous for thinking that and is a wonderful support to me when im down). and also, during down times, i seem to be v good at holding it together and seeming A-ok for short periods when neccessary (like not crying too obviously as i walk round the supermarket in a daze, hating myself cause i cant even do the shopping properly, or holding meetings/conversations, tho i tend to avoid going out/human interaction if at all possible)

im on my way out of one of those phases now and already its starting to seem silly and a waste of time (it is) and, i dunno, fake even... i think of myself as just being a drama queen (as my mum used to say) and i feel ashamed really, for wasting time and energy being low when im the luckiest person in the world, with no 'real' worries at all!

its almost like i am two people.

i am seeing a counsellor, started recently-ish and a long time overdue (was suicidally 'down' for about 10 years of my teens and never got help then...and then bad things happened cause i ddint value myslef enough not to expose myself to them, so theres a lot of stuff ive just 'put away' and not really dealt with) im glad im doing it, but its hard too. ive always in the past, just worked it out for myself, and not done such a bad job really - to go from suicidal to (what i like to think of as the 'normal') me for the last eight years or so...

what im wondering tho, is whether this is chemical, something that can be helped with drugs. am v wary of taking ad's if its not and who really knows? i dont want ot get 'hooked' - but then again, i dont want my life to be such a struggle if it doesnt need to be! (something Quootie said on another thread made me think this...)

my GP is loathe to prescribe anything - wouldnt give me anything for PND, just said i was tired and its normal and it'll get better... and it did clear, but then, it lways comes back in the end - sometimes for only a day or so, and sometimes for longer...

another thing: i can be bounced from pretty low to happy as larry in no time by external factors... like finishing a task and doing it well and feeling all proud of myself... doesnt that sort of contradict the chemical theory? (tho not always, and not from v low quite so instantly...)

any thoughts? or should i just pull myself together and get on with it - if that is honestly how you feel, btw, i do wanna hear it. sometimes the truth is hard to hear, but i value it and im feeling strong enough to cope with it today

thanks in any event for getting this far, if you have! sorry for the essay!!

it's fine nanou..have discussed it here before

i had reached a point where nothing was working, ADs, of various types and dosages, counselling, CBT, took time off work to rest etc....nothing helped long term. always felt better for a while, then slipped back down, despite everything. i really really tried to beat it . this was over a period of 4 years

also, was PND, and wanted anther child, but couldn't while so low, felt my entire life was on hold.....DH took me to see a psychiatrist privately, and was admitted to hospital 2 days later, stayed for 3 weeks.

switched to 175 mg of effexor, and had intensive group therapy twice a day and individual time..

it was painful, of course it was ,but the way i was living was painful too..it was an existence,nothing more
no joy
no happiness
no anything

just a big black pit of despair

so it was worth anything to get better.

i have been 'well' for a good long while now, and have had another child, and no PND ! not taken ADs for over 2 years....

that is the quick version!

Nappies - go to PNI.org.uk There is a specific piece on there about how someone with PND feels, and how a partner can help by NOT telling you to pull yourself together.

It sounds like he is just frightened of what was once a taboo subject. Mine was the same. I printed off all the necessary bumf from PNI and he really understands now.

Dior - snap! going out/distraction often helps... but i do get paranoid about being out and people seeing me being pathetic, incompetent, wierd (like crying in the supermarket cause i cant rmember a 5 sodding essential things fgs! - or wandering around in a haze, trying not to cry)
snap re. flipping from one to another easily, and going down like a stone from being fine...

funkimummy - you think? i guess you could be right...

thanks to those who have given their input here, btw, and sorry to hear so many have been suffering...

nappies...you are suffering too

hope you get sorted, my lovely. x

Nappies. At least knowing you aren't the only one, will hopefully make asking for help a bit easier!!

You have to think of yourself first for a change!! I got loads of grief when I started taking AD's particularly from my mum and dad - who are very 'old school' about mental health. They all accept the idea now they know how much it helps.

Nanou - i thought i was... but then i felt a bit 'told off' by her one week before christmas cause i didnt get back to her about rearanging a missed apt. i figured shed just assume i was too busy/not organised enough to sort it out and just forget about it...but she said shed been waiting on my reply. i was taken aback by her attitude... but then, i think i may well have a strong tendency to try to disociate myself from people who might be able to help or make it better...IYSWIM. like i have an urge to sabotage my attempts to get help cause ive been 'coping' for soooo long and my coping mechanisms are threatened by actually facing up to stuff... does that make sense?

nappies... i was in denial re being depressed, after al, what did i have to be depressed about? and this was exacerbated by my old GP not listening , nor my old HV..and the worse i felt, the more i tried to do, in case people though i could;t cope

it makes perfect sense to me

gosh lulumama... what you must have gone through... must have been a very dark tunnel...

it was nanou..but the flip side , it has made me who i am now, a better ,stronger person, with more to give and a new direction in life. x hope you get through it too xxx

lulu - i was thinking the other day that maybe my only hope was to totally remove myself from daytoday life and check in somewhere to really just stop arsing about and just bloody fix it! have been carrying so much crap about for so long... wanted to kill myself from age 11 to 21-ish)... and just 'getting on with it' (aside from a period of 4 months in ibiza at age 22 where i was high the whole time and hardly slept and had a fabulous decadent utterly selfish time, fell in love with myself IYSWIM - or finally stopped hating myself - and, i thought, finally waved goodbye to my depression... and it hasnt been a constant thing ever since then, so i do still think of that time positively, in general. tho obviously i cant spend my whole life high as a kite in ibiza!!)

so your experience is v interesting to me...

nappies...CAT me or email me if you want to know more re hospital etc

only so much i discuss openly

lulumama 21 @ hotmail. com

lulu - you do always seem strong and wise and clever and confident and caring and full of love and compassion... so yes, the person you are now was worth it from where im standing

i know exactly what you mean nappies... i often wonder if it is because of very low self esteem; being scared not to succeed. if one does not try one does not know then it avoids a deeper sense of failure?

lulu - i just mailed you. thank you so much for all this... everyone...

thanks nappies and

have emailed you back xxx

lulu you are such an inspiration.... maybe you can become our mentor!!!!
are you feeling any better nappies? because i am .
i was referred to someone once but only went to the first appointment. it completely freaked me out and i was in a terrible state for days... i went cos things were not right with dh and the main thing the counsellor wanted to talk about was my mother. could not cope with it. truth is my mother spent years in a psy unit; manic depressive, xhizophrenic, suicides attempts, trying to kill me twice by the time i was 2.5 and then brought up by maternal grandparents. she was truly nuts. so maybe there is some baggage there but i am scared to be like my mother tbh so am b. anyway... i must try and catch up with some work now!

nappies. keep in touch and let me know how are you ok?! good luck with everything xx

I'm finding your experiences quite uncanny Nappies, everything you've said I experience too - from the depressed teenage years to the doctor pooh-poohing your PND. Also the shouty mum bit (I too had/have an 'angry' mum and I'm terrified of turning into her). I've definitely felt that motherhood has exposed my many weaknesses!

I have a very low stress threshold - I find situations easily stressful and this in turn makes me impatient, angry and therefore depressed and at odds with myself.

I too feel guilty because I feel like I am one of the luckiest women in the world. Generally my morale is high but when I get run down I get very sad and want to hide away. You'd never know it if you knew me though. I too get easily buoyed up by nice things happening - someone calling and asking me round, something lovely in the post etc.

I'm sorry if it seems that I'm hijacking your thread, just thought you may, may just feel some consolation knowing you're not alone! I will be reading your thread to see what others suggest.

I haven't done anything about it - I used to take ad's and as Mumpbump says they do very much dampen the highs. I have considered counselling but always imagine turning up to the session on a good day and feeling that everything I say sounds trite and that I'm wasting people's time!

hi, can i add my opinion - i went through long phase similar to the one nappies described initially. GP put me on ADs and I saw a counsellor. I used to leave the counsellor and stand on the street weeping about how crap my life had become. I used to cry all evening and all night. (Counsellor used to just let me sit there and cry and moan for an hour and not say much.) Didn't notice any effect from ADs. 6 months later I realised I felt much worse and one day I threw the ADs in the bin and finally took control and since then the low periods have been few and far between.

The only person who could have helped me was me (iyswim) but I couldn't see that until the GP, counsellor and pharmacist had all tried to help me, and it hadn't worked.

I'm not saying you won't benefit from ADs / counselling, but ultimately you have the power to help yourself, and you have to try your hardest and make the decision to be happy, do things you love doing and be the best mum in the world (which I am sure you are anyway!!!)

(Also probably best to avoid taking artificial drugs made with scary chemicals if you can??? Just a thought!)

Love Indiemum xxx

PS Hope haven't offended anyone

hello lady! i am glad you joined in.
gosh so much unhapiness around...

indie. thanks for your input. i too feel funny about ADs. well done in any case

Thanks for the book recommendation Nanou! Am off to Amazon to find it...

you are very welcome . let me know what you think.

LadyM - not a hijack at all and yes it does help - sadly - to know someone else is in the same position. very much so! i feel less of a freak/waste of time/bore knowing that, so thanks!

and Indie - you are absolutely right about needing to 'decide' to be well. is something ive discovered and tried to share with others in the past... and your post is a reminder of that, so thanks to you too. whether or not i get outside help, i do know the strength has to come from within, and i really do want to be 'well'.

also - the recreational drug use is a thing of the past, dont worry! have not so much as smoked a ciggie since meeting dp and having a family - the two things happened v close together - cant even drink hard liquor any more and that is really surprising if you knew me from age 16-24

am currently trying to read a book called how to manage your mind which does look v interesting and practical and helpful...