Hi
i want some objective input, so am putting it to mn...
i seem to yoyo between utter misery/self loathing and being on top of the world and feeling clever, worthy, nice, good looking; generally good about myself. and when i am in either place, the other seems so foreign, it almost feels make-believe.
one of the characteristics of my down-periods is that i cut off from the world and do not communicate which means i dont get help and am hard to live with, which makes me feel so much worse as i dont want to inflict my mental state on my dc's or my partner (who tells me im ridiculous for thinking that and is a wonderful support to me when im down). and also, during down times, i seem to be v good at holding it together and seeming A-ok for short periods when neccessary (like not crying too obviously as i walk round the supermarket in a daze, hating myself cause i cant even do the shopping properly, or holding meetings/conversations, tho i tend to avoid going out/human interaction if at all possible)
im on my way out of one of those phases now and already its starting to seem silly and a waste of time (it is) and, i dunno, fake even... i think of myself as just being a drama queen (as my mum used to say) and i feel ashamed really, for wasting time and energy being low when im the luckiest person in the world, with no 'real' worries at all!
its almost like i am two people.
i am seeing a counsellor, started recently-ish and a long time overdue (was suicidally 'down' for about 10 years of my teens and never got help then...and then bad things happened cause i ddint value myslef enough not to expose myself to them, so theres a lot of stuff ive just 'put away' and not really dealt with) im glad im doing it, but its hard too. ive always in the past, just worked it out for myself, and not done such a bad job really - to go from suicidal to (what i like to think of as the 'normal') me for the last eight years or so...
what im wondering tho, is whether this is chemical, something that can be helped with drugs. am v wary of taking ad's if its not and who really knows? i dont want ot get 'hooked' - but then again, i dont want my life to be such a struggle if it doesnt need to be! (something Quootie said on another thread made me think this...)
my GP is loathe to prescribe anything - wouldnt give me anything for PND, just said i was tired and its normal and it'll get better... and it did clear, but then, it lways comes back in the end - sometimes for only a day or so, and sometimes for longer...
another thing: i can be bounced from pretty low to happy as larry in no time by external factors... like finishing a task and doing it well and feeling all proud of myself... doesnt that sort of contradict the chemical theory? (tho not always, and not from v low quite so instantly...)
any thoughts? or should i just pull myself together and get on with it - if that is honestly how you feel, btw, i do wanna hear it. sometimes the truth is hard to hear, but i value it and im feeling strong enough to cope with it today
thanks in any event for getting this far, if you have! sorry for the essay!!