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Mental health

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Original poster

I keep thinking about killing my baby

39 replies

MargaretHale · 08/04/2016 15:02

I'm not going to- I really love him. I just keep having these thoughts.
I don't want to talk about it because it's so awful but I don't know how to make it stop.
I'm looking after both my kids atm so might not reply very quickly to any response to this- please don't draw any terrible conclusions from this! I am a normal person, I have a lovely life, I promise I won't hurt them.
Any advice?

OP posts:

Tiredemma · 08/04/2016 15:04

I think that you really need to speak to someone- as much as you say that you wont hurt him the blur between being well and unwell can really be quite dangerous with these thoughts.
I dont think you are a terrible person but I do think that you need to speak with someone- do you have any history of any mental illness? how old is the baby?

99percentchocolate · 08/04/2016 15:05

Didn't want to read and run. Are you having any other dark thoughts? How old is DS?

bakeoffcake · 08/04/2016 15:05

Margaret, I don't have any experience of this kind of thing but I do think you need to go to your Drs. You say you love your little baby and he is safe but please speak to someone about this.

Drs have heard it all before and won't judge

lightcola · 08/04/2016 15:06

Ring your HV or GP urgently. Whether you think you won't do it or not, it's not nice to feel that way and they will be able to help you. I didn't want to kill my baby, but there were times when I thought it wouldn't matter if he died. I spoke to my HV and they got me help. I urge you to do the same.

cookiefiend · 08/04/2016 15:06

Get help. Call your health visitor or GP. Sounds like post natal depression. I didn't want to leave this post unanswered- hopefully someone with more experience will be along soon. I am sure that with support you will get over this.

ForeverLivingMyArse · 08/04/2016 15:06

You are normal and lovely.

You're experiencing frightening intrusive thoughts.

Well done for posting. Please speak to someone else in real life.

Original poster

MargaretHale · 08/04/2016 15:06

He is four months. I don't feel aggressive or angry with him, even when he wakes me up loads or whatever... Who should I talk to? I'm scared to say it out loud. He is really lovely.

OP posts:

VagueIdeas · 08/04/2016 15:07

Intrusive thoughts can be common with postnatal depression and anxiety.

You're not the first.

But you do need help, because you're unwell and it's serious. Would you be able to phone your GP or HV and be very, very honest with them.

You need to be honest. It's the only way you'll get help.

ImperialBlether · 08/04/2016 15:07

I'm another who thinks you need to get help asap. I think you should take your children to the doctor's surgery and tell the receptionist you need an urgent appointment. Don't leave until you've seen the doctor.

You will be treated and soon you won't feel like this any more.

Do you have a partner/husband you can call now?

Original poster

MargaretHale · 08/04/2016 15:07

I told my health visitor before and she said it was normal but I don't feel normal.

OP posts:

Tiredemma · 08/04/2016 15:08

Sorry your HV is wrong- go to your GP

Original poster

MargaretHale · 08/04/2016 15:08

I can't talk to anyone today- I don't want my 3 year old to hear. It would terrify him.

OP posts:

Original poster

MargaretHale · 08/04/2016 15:09

I promise I wouldn't do anything bad.

OP posts:

Original poster

MargaretHale · 08/04/2016 15:10

How could dh forgive me for feeling like this?

OP posts:

Tiredemma · 08/04/2016 15:11

Where is your DH. i think you should ask him to come home so that you can call/see GP

Branleuse · 08/04/2016 15:12

www.drmartinseif.com/resources/intrusive-thoughts.html

It isnt "normal", its a serious distressing thing youre experiencing, but it DOESNT mean youre a danger to your baby.

LaContessaDiPlump · 08/04/2016 15:12

I understand how you feel op - I got those feelings too. Still do sometimes..... it may help you to think of them as something your brain does independently of you; i.e. these thoughts are not reflective of any personal failing in you. They are just there.

Do speak to someone, it certainly doesn't feel nice

AnxiousMunchkin · 08/04/2016 15:13

Normal is relative- I think that it's a fairly common theme for intrusive thoughts in new mothers.

Please don't panic.

It does seem like it would be good to speak to someone asap, although I'm not sure camping out in your GP surgery would be massively productive. You could ring 111 and see what the best course of action is - you could say you are having some very worrying dark intrusive thoughts but not have to describe exactly what they are to the call handler- and ask what the best way to proceed is - GP, CMHT crisis team of they are self referral, or potentially A&E to access a duty psychiatrist. It would depend on your local provision.

As you say you don't feel you would act on these thoughts, and that's great. Intrusive thoughts are just that - thoughts. But it's still worth talking to someone who can properly assess how you're doing overall.

Original poster

MargaretHale · 08/04/2016 15:14

Thank you.

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 08/04/2016 15:15

As your baby is 4 months, maybe you could have a pnd?
I'm sure your dh would understand that how your feeling isn't normal and what to help you.
Please go to a GP as soon as you can and tell him about these dark thought you have.
I know you say you promise you wouldn't do anything bad but these feeling are not normal so you can't really promise that.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 08/04/2016 15:18

Go and see your GP today.

They are intrusive thoughts that can be down to a number of things that your GP can help you with.

Goingtobeawesome · 08/04/2016 15:18

Please get an emergency doctors appointment.

You will get help and support. It should never be classed as "normal" to have thoughts of killing your child. It might be something one thinks of when suffering with depression but normal is not right as it implies that it is to be expected.

ArchiesMamaBird · 08/04/2016 15:23

I had this after my DS was born 2 years ago. I was so ashamed that I never told anyone about it (I was 100% sure that I'd never do anything to him, and I was scared that he'd be taken off me if I admitted it to anyone). The thoughts stopped after about a year, and it's only recently that I've read an article about post natal OCD, and this sounded exactly like what I had.

We're hoping to try for DC2 in the next few months and I'm so scared that I'll get those horrible thoughts again. So I'm going to speak to my GP/midwife next time around.

I would honestly speak to somebody professional as soon as you can because I know how scary it can be

Cel982 · 08/04/2016 15:29

People are concerned because sometimes thoughts of harming your baby can be a symptom of severe postnatal depression/psychosis. In that scenario the thoughts are a big danger sign and the mum needs urgent professional help.

What you're describing sounds more like the intrusive, obsessive thoughts discussed in Branleuse's link, which are a form of OCD. I get them. It's really distressing, especially before you understand the condition and how common it is. I found the book "The Imp of the Mind" enormously helpful in dealing with them. It's rarely a problem for me now.

At the end of the day, nobody here can diagnose you, and it would definitely be an idea to have a chat with your GP.

figginz · 08/04/2016 15:38

Please tell your husband and make a gp appointment. Some gp surgeries are helpful and might allow you to leave your first dc at reception while you see gp, by the way. Or maybe you could ask a friend to have him for me hour while you pop out.

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