Trying not to completely lose it here. Just had ridiculous conversation with woman from the crisis team. She asked what would help, usual script, I said I thought therapy. Had to explain TWICE that primary care IAPT won't see me ('too complex') and secondary care repeated ignore referrals and have asked my GP not to re-refer because I'll only be disappointed.
For 5.5 years I have been trying to access therapy. Since I broke down. I was almost there once, but services kept getting cut and rearranged.
Explained this to her.
Her response was "Well, if you're not willing to try to access the services..."
ARGHHHHHHHH
Explained again, I keep goingto my GP, he keeps referring, they won't see me.
Response: "If you're just going to get annoyed with me..."
FFS! Am I not entitled to sound just a tad frustrated in this situation?
Managed to remain calm and explained yet again, for 5.5 years I have tried to get therapy so am feeling a bit hopeless now. Understandably, I'd have thought. Apparently I should just keep going back to the GP (even though it makes me feel worse and more hopeless cos GP can't do anything.)
Pointed out definition of madness was doing the same thing gain and again but expecting different results.
Feel hopeless and worthless. Want pain to end. Want to be good enough to be treated nicely and loved. (I thought I was but apparently not from how people treat me. Don't want another thread about that though.)
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Mental health
Argh FFS - crisis team judgement
elementofsurprise · 22/03/2016 14:28
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loveyoulikeaplanet
For context... this trainee mentioned CAT and I was saying I'd had an assessment for it a couple of years ago and found it odd. I mentioned how weird it seemed that the therapist was getting me to recall really deep painful memories, which was making me sort of spin out/dissociate, and instead of being gentle and kind she was very brusque. There was no chance to talk about the memories, and no reassurance, just brusquely on to "how does this affect you now?" and I was vague and confused and heart racing and holding back tears. It seemed like there was a bit missing, to me. **
Anyway when I recalled this, the trainee psychologist said "Oh that's because..." and went on to explain they were purposely cold, etc etc. She then went on to mention an example - and named a psychologist who's high up in the trust locally. She described how this woman is a really lovely person, but her patients/clients don't see that at all, because she does therapy (psychodynamic? a long-term indepth approach, anyway) with people diagnosed BPD, so has to be cold and make sure they dont get attached. Thing is, I actually had an assessment with this therapist 5 years ago! And yes I thought she seemed very cold and like she didnt like me - it made it hard to open up and made me feel like I'd done something wrong but wasnt sure what. (I tried my best to open up and explain everything though - I figured it was my chance for therapy/to get better.) Anyway, so that's two therapists like that in the trust - both doing very different therapies - and this trainee seemed adament thats what they were doing.
(Btw, I'd just left an abusive relationship and the therapist decided I was 'too upset' for therapy, so would go to the back of waiting list. I was reassured of this by my CPN but found out a year later I wasn't on the list at all, by which time my CPN had discharged me too and I had to start all over again. They have since cut therapies to the bone, in fact closed the centre 
.)
I know about the stuff to do with managing endings etc with BPD. Tbh this was the first I'd heard of therapists being purposely cold so I was . So hopeully it's not true. Arse, wish I could speak to her again - she seemed so adament that was what they did, it wasn't just a throwaway comment, we discussed it for ages and were both quite critical of it! (Although she reckoned it was right for lots of people, but not for people like me who could tell the difference between a therapist and a long term friend 
- would have thought that was everyone tbh!) You don't think it could be an unofficial policy do you? One they don't admit to openly due to discrimination issues? (ie. by diagnosis) I thought it seemed so weird though because I thought the trusting relationship with the therapist was crucial to the process, espcially for those who lacked a stable caring influence in the past.
**Would you be able to advise me on particular issue..? It seems you know about therapies 
.
It relates to what I found odd about the CAT therapy asessment. I basically felt like there was something missing - as if CAT was 'stage 2' and I'd missed 'stage 1'.
The main way my issues affect me day to day is stuff like trouble concentrating, not crying, feeling anxious or afraid or hopeless or worthless, which affects my functioning. As well as concentration issue, it takes so much mental energy just dragging myself through the day, trying to get stuff done and trying to make things better, dealing with memories etc etc. I also dissociate at points (this has developed over last few years, I assume because my brain couldn't take the pain anymore.)
So basically it is: feel crap --> struggle to function.
However, the therapist was all about looking at how experiences shape behaviour, and she actually said "I can't work out what you're doing that makes you feel so bad"! Now, looking at experiences affecting behaviour is fine, but the overwhelming problem I face day to day is much more basic - as above. That's not a result of stuff happeneing now, it's a result of the past, that I need to process somehow.
I just felt like I needed a chance to talk through everything and uncover it all and let myself remember without trying to stuff it away. Then when I'd dealt with it on this basic level, could move on to CAT.
Is that strange/unusual? Should I have somehow managed the 'stage 1' bit alone? I thought traumatised people needed to talk about it openly and feel accepted and validated. 
I just don't know.
Thanks
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Good evening everyone,
We have had this thread reported numerous times today, and having read through it now we would ask everyone to try to remember that most of the people on this board have or have had periods of depression or mental ill health and is perhaps at different stages of recovery or otherwise. The thread does seem to be becoming very heated, can we suggest that everyone on it goes and makes a cup of virtual (or real, and if so, we're weak and no milk ) tea and takes a moment to think what they're getting out of it. Not everyone can support everyone, at the end of the day.
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