So, back again.
The week and a half after session 5 were emotional and amazing. I kept having bouts of feeling sad, I'd cry a bit and then it felt better. Sometimes the tears seemed to come from quite near the surface (like my eyes leaking), sometimes they came from about my solar plexus answers almost painful. But even the really painful ones only lasted about 10 minutes max and were handle able. I kept getting my enough feeling on and off, which has been amazing. And I felt lighter, better after the tears so was just going with it.
So, last session was on Tuesday, just gone. Chris could see the change in me before he even looked at the scores and he was really pleased for me. Stuff with my Dad had been going through my head all over the weekend and I really wanted to talk about that to try and lighten the emotions of that load. It was tough talking about it, after if done Chris asked how I felt from talking about it, and what I wanted to get out of raising it. I said that everything else I'd talked about had been easier afterwards, lighter and I thought that would be the same. We talked a little bit about emotions but he didn't take me back into the feelings of when it happened, like with previous things.
Then he talked about how I could report it to the police, now or six months down the line if I wanted to. Then he talked about DD and if I thought she was at risk, was she ever alone with dad, were either of them ever alone with dad. He asked how I felt about what he was saying, which was really scary. He said about the duty of care, and his responsibility, which I know he went through in the first session, I just never expected it to apply to me, and my family. He said not to hit the panic button, that he didn't think there was a risk. I think he was also I corned with this coming out in the last session, as he pulled up my notes from the start to talk through how I was then, and how different I was feeling now. He also said Ivan self-refer back if I need more help, and he's put on my notes he's happy to see me again if that's what I want. I can't refer back for 3 months though. He said that if I need help before then to go to the doctors as I did around Easter.
I felt OK on Tuesday, I told DH what Chris had said, I went dancing, I felt OK. Then Tuesday night I couldn't sleep and Wednesday I was really on the edge of tears at breakfast club, but then we got busy so that helped. I went in to hell in nursery in the afternoon and just burst into tears upstairs, I just couldn't stop crying. I had to say I couldn't help. Got mopped up a bit by people at work. Then Thursday I had a really strong anxiety response, kept having to go to the toilet, felt sick, had to lie down in the afternoon. I felt really bad as I was supposed to be doing something with a friend and she just had to sit there whilst I zoomed off to the toilet, she told me to try and have some sleep in the end and left. Friday I felt a bit tearful again but a bit more under control. Had lunch with DH and then a couple of friends came round.
I just feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. I was always convinced I'd had a bit of a crappy time, but it was small things, they'd just added up and I'd been over sensitive and I was frustrated that I'd over reacted and was still affected. But I was never abused, I was never touched, I was never raped. But then Chris said about a report to the police, so the subtext is, that I was abused. I'm just really struggling to get my head round that. To have that spelled out to me. I've kind of had two conflicting thoughts in my head, in that if DH tried anything like that with DD, he'd be out of the door so fast. But with me, it was 'just' a kiss, 'just' a few comments, 'just' the way he looked at me sometimes. And he was drunk, and wouldn't even remember.