So incredibly anxious over dd

[Givinguph0pe]

She was six weeks early and is now ten weeks, four weeks corrected. I'm so incredibly anxious about her that I feel like I can't breathe. Every little thing that she does that's different or if she's sick after a feed or something I'm convinced she's going to die or at best we are going to have to be admitted back into hospital.
I'm having support from perinatal mental health and was prescribed sertraline (sp) which dh won't let me take as I'm expressing for dd and she's having breast milk exclusively which is a whole other source of anxiety (will I have enough milk, will I be home in time to express if I go out, how much should I warm for her in a bottle so none is wasted etc)
I desperately want to feel better, I feel sick and anxious all the time, I only eat because otherwise I don't make any milk and frankly if it wasn't for ds I'd have liked taken an insulin overdose several weeks back. I can't do anything normal like read a book, watch TV or see friends because I'm too distracted all the time. The house feels unfamiliar and sinister and I think all the time that something awful is going to happen and I can't shake it.
Is there anything else I can do? Any form of CBT maybe? I'm just not coping and I feel a completely different person to the one I was before I had my daughter and not one I like. I feel like the world has ended actually and just want to cry all the time.

Ok practical stuff first.

Please do get her checked for tongue tie.

Your DD's feeding (breast and bottle) sounds very very much like my DD1's - she was also born at 34 weeks and I put all the feeding problems down to prematurity or reflux but later found out it was tongue tie.

Unfortunately the check cannot be done by a GP or most HVs as they don't know what to look for (although some think they do ). You really need a good BF/lactation consultant. Whereabouts are you, perhaps MNers can recommend one?

Regarding the meds: I had a (thankfully brief) spell of post natal anxiety/depression and I found it really affected my milk supply. After an anxious night my boobs felt pretty empty and let down was much slower. So, another reason to take the medication.

I feel for you so much as I have been there with a sleepy non feeding 34 weeker and it is scary. BUT you will come through it - in a few weeks things will be so much better (or sooner if you start the ADs) and in a couple of months you will be starting to enjoy her. I know that sounds like aeons away but hang on in there.

You sound like you have got severe post natal depression.

I am a midwife. I have also had severe post natal depression myself. I went on a Study Day last week as part of keeping updated and we had the most interesting talk from a Consultant Psychiatrist who specialises in the Antenatal and Post natal period.

With all my past experience, both personally and professionally, you need help, and soon.

It must be the most awful situation to be in, let alone with an unsupportive husband, but there are plenty of people who's job it is to support women like you. That is what they do. They do it because they want to help. They want people to feel better, and know that they can feel better, with the right support and possibly medication.

I read your other thread about the expressing. You are on mumsnet seeking support, which is great. You acknowledge you need support. You want people to know how much you are struggling because you keep writing about it. Which is great.

But now you need human support. People. Not words on a screen.

Trust me, I have been there. It is horrendous, PND. But always remember it WILL get better.

I am certain your husband is a nice person and is only trying to help you with his advice and opinion. But men have just never felt the responsibility we feel as mothers. So he is just not getting it. He is only seeing it from his perspective, and making remarks. It is hard for them as they want a say in things but there is nothing they can really do to help. Then every suggestion they make sounds and feels like a criticism.
Sometimes our partners just can't provide the right sort of support because their experience of the particular situation is limited. Very limited.
So you could tell him you appreciate his support, however if he could stop making remarks and offering advice about how you are managing the baby.

Tell him how best he can help - by minding your other child as much as possible and doing the household stuff and handing you sandwiches and drinks. And keeping his mouth shut the rest of the time.

Your DH needs to back off. If he won't listen to you then may e you need to get your GP to give him a talking to. Hope you feel better soon, sounds like you're doing a wonderful job

How are you doing today op?

I'm wondering how you are OP and I'm sure others are too. Can you pop back even if it's just a brief post to let us know how you are.

I could only get a morning appointment which was no good to me as it was ds's Mother's Day celebration at school and I had to go.

It hasn't been a great day. I got barely any sleep last night as dd was up until 12.30am with colic, then I expressed at 2.30am, she was up at 3am to feed and then again at 5.30am and I expressed again at 6am and then had to get up anyway.
This evening dh had gone out with his friends so couldn't take ds to football and I couldn't either because it's inside and noisy and footballs fly everywhere so didn't want to take dd to that. Ds said 'thanks a lot, you spoil everything' and then 'I can't even go to football on Sunday either because it's stupid Mother's Day.' He's generally a bit off with me at the moment. I feel like I'm failing both my children at the moment. After he said that I felt awful and I'm ashamed to say I self harmed for the first time in about fifteen years.

I will try the GP again on Monday.

GivingupH0pe please look after yourself. You sound so sad, I'm sorry. And you must be shattered. No one is in the best place to deal with things when they've had no sleep.

I haven't had personal experience of PND but when DS was little he was really quite poorly. After that I became quite obsessed with his feeding - was he feeding often enough/getting enough milk - I was convinced he wasn't feeding properly and was about to get ill again or die. Being out of hospital after a week of being institutionalised and with experts on tap was really stressful and awful.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say except I completely understand where you're coming from about the feeding anxiety - and am completely sure your DD feeding and growing and thriving abosutely as she should be - my DS was, despite all my worrying.

And I don't think your DH is bring as helpful as he could be (that's being charitable).

Please look after yourself, your babies love you and need you

Have you taken any sertraline though? Do you have to tell your dh if you do?

I'm sorry it's been a tough day. DD was self harming because she was so low. The ADs really helped. Could you get to an out of hours Dr over the weekend?

I think I asked last time if you were anywhere near me but I'd drop RL in a nano second tomorrow if you are close to Surrey. Where's your mum? Is anyone looking after you.

Don't take your ds to heart. Cd DH take him for a kick about tomorrow? My DH is awful at the emotional stuff but isn't a bad man at all - he just wasn't taught about it in his own family.

Any way, I'm really pleased you are talking to us.

Not taken the anti depressants.
Dh playing golf all day tomorrow but I told ds I'd take him to the park to which he said I'm 'pathetic' at football. Which is true but I kind of feel like not bothering now. It's not ds's fault though, he's just feeling a bit pushed out. He's been the only one for six years so he's bound to find it difficult.

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug

You need to take the medication my love. If you take it as your GP has prescribed, you will start to feel better. Please do start taking it...it saved my life when I was crippled by pnd.

I want to shake some sense into your idiotic ignorant husband.

Your dh seems to do what he wants. It's time you started doing what you want too. I do hope your ds isn't modelling his behaviour.

I used to find soft play quite a good option with a baby and an "infant".

I remember your last thread too.

You have been suffering far too much for too long now. I'm so sorry to hear things haven't started to improve and you still feel so alone.

I'm going to reiterate what I said before, and what others are saying now. Please take the antidepressants. Sertraline will help you and will not harm your DD at all. It isn't necessarily a magic bullet, but it will be incredibly helpful in starting your recovery. Please take it from those of us who have been there and understand what you are going through.

Has your DH stepped up at all since your last thread? Have you been able to seek out support elsewhere?

Thank you for coming back - I was worried about you. Last night sounds horrendous in terms of sleep for you but at least dd was feeding which has hopefully put your mind at rest.

Do you actually have the sertraline but won't take it because of what DH thinks. Sorry but he's really not being fair - out with mates tonight - he could have taken ds to football and golf all day tomorrow. The last thing you should be doing is hanging about a freezing cold park - DH should be doing that. Is this how things usually are with DH doing his own thing?

Oh and you SH - does it need medical attention - if so please go to your surgery or A & E.

You aren't responding to everyone encouraging you to take the Sertraline regardless of what DH thinks. Is there a reason?

Hope you get a better night tonight.

I suppose because it's made me feel worried about taking the sertraline too, even though I know it's illogical and the Drs know better than dh. But I'm so anxious around all things feeding anyway that I'm finding it hard to bring myself to take it.
If I took it and dh found out he'd be livid, unless I stop giving dd the breast milk which I don't want to do.

And I think you should change your user name. You don't need to give up hope but you do need to start giving 100% rather than 150%.

My DH is selfish and can be difficult. We overcame it because I put my foot down. Yep, golf, football, workaholism are fine but the payback is a cleaner, a night/day off etc.

I flipped one weekend an eternity ago and announced "right tomorrow I'm going out - these are the children's activities with itinerary and you will need to write this card, buy a birthday present for £6.50. I was up and out at 7.45.

I went to the Tate, Harvey Nicks, wandered about a bit, was quite miserable really and itching to get home but I hung out until about 7.30 so he got the grief of the misery hour. I had written that I wanted dinner when I got home; he ordered a takeaway.

He never actually admitted what a shit day he had but he did start to consult a little more. The DC are 21 and 17 now so we sort of found a way .

And when I had PND after DS1 he though the Prozac concept most peculiar x

But can't you see that DH has no right to be livid - you really need a medic to talk to your DH about this medication issue, sooner rather than later. Are you afraid of him? I can't help but think there is a r/ship issue as well as the anxiety about DD - him out tonight and all day tomorrow when you are struggling. It's not on. Does he always get his own way? It's actually emotionally abuse to stop you taking meds that are aimed at helping you get better.

What support do you have in RL? Is there anyone who DH would listen to about the meds.

To be the best mum that you can be, you need to be well. That means taking the medication you have been prescribed.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but your children need you to get better. You won't get better if you go on as you are.

OP you need help urgently - please if you do not feel able to ask your DH to take you - get a taxi to A and E.

Looking after ladies like yourself is my job - and you urgently need some help. This does NOT mean having to be seperated from your baby - but you DO need to see a doctor or nurse in A and E ASAP to ask for help to keep you and your baby safe while you are feeling so hopeless.

This will pass and you will feel better - you deserve and need support as an emergency - please do not wait until Monday .

How much does your husband know about how low you're feeling?

It seems very odd that someone with an extremely depressed partner, young child in need of attention and a colicky baby is off out for a night, to be followed by all day golf playing tomorrow.

Does you dh actually have any idea of how awful you feel at the moment?

Ps OP I too had a DD 6 weeks early and suffered PND - the overwhelming anxiety was just too much to bear at times and broke my heart. I bottle fed - I could not physically or emotionally cope with breast feeding at that time. It IS ok to not breast feed your DD. It is equally OK to breastfeed with sertraline .
My DD is 10 years old now and completes me.
Having a tiny prem baby is a trauma - you have suffered a trauma and you will need talking therapy to help you through this. Talk to people on boards here who have experience of prem babies - they have highs and lows all of their own - having a prem baby is a completely different experience to having a term baby so please do not compare yourself or your situation to term births .

OP are you are frightened your DP would hurt you if you took the sertraline ?

I'm off to bed lovely ( not meant as a rub in - I've a serious injury and this sort of time is abt my limit - I won't sleep through - probably - so will check your updates in the night) but hope you get some rest.

With love - thinking of you x

Thinking of you OP. Im very worried about you. Im also worried about your DH lack of support which is making things worse by the sounds of it.
Please see someone asap. Following for updates to see how you are.
We all care, remember that

Just seen your updates. Why the ACTUAL FUCK has your DH gone out on Friday evening and also out golfing all day on Saturday? When you have got a sleepy, hard to feed newborn and DS as well? Not to mention the way you are feeling. This is a very tough period you are all going through and his social life is not a priority!

Sorry for shouting but I am so on your behalf. Tell your useless bloody husband he needs to pull his finger out, at the very least he should be taking care of DS so you can focus on DD, or ideally taking them both for an hour or two so you can sleep. If he is going to leave all the parenting to you then he has absolutely no right to an opinion on anything.