So incredibly anxious over dd

[Givinguph0pe]

She was six weeks early and is now ten weeks, four weeks corrected. I'm so incredibly anxious about her that I feel like I can't breathe. Every little thing that she does that's different or if she's sick after a feed or something I'm convinced she's going to die or at best we are going to have to be admitted back into hospital.
I'm having support from perinatal mental health and was prescribed sertraline (sp) which dh won't let me take as I'm expressing for dd and she's having breast milk exclusively which is a whole other source of anxiety (will I have enough milk, will I be home in time to express if I go out, how much should I warm for her in a bottle so none is wasted etc)
I desperately want to feel better, I feel sick and anxious all the time, I only eat because otherwise I don't make any milk and frankly if it wasn't for ds I'd have liked taken an insulin overdose several weeks back. I can't do anything normal like read a book, watch TV or see friends because I'm too distracted all the time. The house feels unfamiliar and sinister and I think all the time that something awful is going to happen and I can't shake it.
Is there anything else I can do? Any form of CBT maybe? I'm just not coping and I feel a completely different person to the one I was before I had my daughter and not one I like. I feel like the world has ended actually and just want to cry all the time.

[Givinguph0pe]

Ds has been upset tonight too because he says I'm constantly holding dd which is true as she's a Velcro baby. I've been trying to do as much as I can with him but obviously it's not been working. I'm just generally doing a rubbish job all round. I'm so miserable I don't even care at the moment about the effect on ds if I killed myself. I wouldn't be around to see it. In know this is horribly selfish but I just don't care at the moment. I'm pretty sure if I took enough it would result in death. Dh could take the children to stop at his mom's if I ask him and tell him I need some sleep and then I could just text him whilst he's there and tell him not to let ds in the house because i wouldn't want ds to come in looking for me and find me dead.

[AliceScarlett]

This anxiety will pass. Please take your meds, your husband has no right to ask you not too, he clearly has no idea what you are going though.

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/anxiety.htm

Read that. Don't die. Call your MH team if you need too. This Will Pass.

[hownottofuckup]

You and DH both need to talk to the GP about this.
I had anxiety after DD1 was 4 weeks early due to pre-eclampsia, it was a nightmare I just couldn't wake up from. But in time I did. And you will too.
Please go to the GP, get DH to come with you he needs to understand what the situation is.
Maybe begin by showing him this thread?

[AliceScarlett]

Ok, you need to call someone and ask for help now. You have a clear plan and access to means, if I knew you IRL I'd be taking you to A&E.

Your logic is skewed by anxiety and lack of sleep, you're not thinking straight right now. Please don't take a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

What can do to keep yourself safe?

[BeaufortBelle]

I remember your other thread. I am sorry things aren't getting better. You need urgent help from clinically qualified professionals.

I am going to google number for the Samaritans and post it. Please call them when I do.

[BeaufortBelle]

It's 116 123

My DD has been depressed. She had no reason to be. But she was. The ADs have helped enormously and did so quickly.

[IonaMumsnet]

Hi Givinguph0pe

We're really sorry to hear things are so bad for you again. We'll drop you an email in a moment, so have a little look in your inbox. In the meantime, we hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. We may have sent you these previously but no harm in having them again: here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We're afraid we've had to make a couple of edits to responses on this thread to remove information that we thought might be triggering or unhelpful for others. Apologies if yours was a post we edited - and thank you in advance for your understanding.

[Givinguph0pe]

I have rung the Samaritans before but I didn't find it very helpful.
It feels like I'm trapped and I can't see anyway out of it.
The anxiety website is good but I can no longer tell if my worries re dd are in my head or justified.

[Canshopwillshop]

Please please hold on for tonight and then see your GP first thing tomorrow (or A&E if you can't get an appointment). You need to take the anti depressants. At least give them a try before you take any life-ending decisions.

[BeaufortBelle]

Keep calling the Samaritans until you find someone you connect with. There will be someone. If not dial 999 and explain how you are feeling.

[Penfold007]

h0pe do, please, hold on until the morning. You need and deserve medical support. Your children need you. Post here all night if you need to.

[bbpp]

If you start feeling as though you can't control yourself, call 999. Although it might not feel like it your safety really is important, for your and for your children.

Book an appointment with the GP in the morning and start taking your medication. There's nothing with it. Your DP is wrong.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

[GinIsIn]

Tell him you aren't happy because he is being, as PPs have said, A DICK!! He really, really needs to educate himself about MH, and until he can you need to ignore him and do what is best for you and DD, and take the medication. for you - it's going to be ok

[Givinguph0pe]

Dd is crying and miserable tonight. She's got stomach ache. She's hungry but can't feed. I can't even feed my child with a bottle. She keeps latching on and then arching her back and crying. There's milk everywhere. Every so often she chokes and coughs. Not only did I fail at breastfeeding my child I can't even feed her with a bottle. What sort of hopeless idiot can't even feed her baby with a bottle? Now dd is hungry and I can do nothing about it. I've tried all different bottles but the same thing happens with them all, her sucking reflex doesn't seem right. She's so uncomfortable. When she's drinking she sounds like she's drowning in milk. No one else I know has been unable to feed their baby with a bottle.

[PitilessYank]

It is the very nature of depression and anxiety that they cause a person to utterly lose perspective.

Neurologically-speaking, right now, you are in no position to be able to judge the validity your own thoughts. Please believe us when we say that your thinking is off.

Would you please start taking the sertraline tonight?

I waited until I was 40, and had suffered through terrible depressions multiple times, before I took my first anti-depressant. I was amazed at how well and how quickly it worked.

Your baby will be fine having your breast milk while you are on this medication.

[Givinguph0pe]

I need to take her back the GP because soon she'll give up feeding altogether if it's so uncomfortable for her. I wish I'd never had her, we're all unhappy now.

[alltheworld]

I could never get dd to take a bottle..it's not a sign of failure. You can bf and take ads. Where is your not so dh? Pls take yourself to a and e with the kids if ncy.

[Givinguph0pe]

She is only bottle fed though because I'm expressing the milk for her as she was too little and sleepy to feed when she was born and then wouldn't latch to me. If she doesn't take a bottle she doesn't eat.

Dh is watching TV

[BeaufortBelle]

Well go to the gp tomorrow. For you and for her. >>hug

[PatriciaHolm]

Get your husband to try feeding her?

And yes, GP. With urgency. Lots of people have been where you are, but you need help to climb out of the hole.

[Itscurtainsforyou]

OP - I have also had a premature baby (mine is still in hospital). It's a very worrying, traumatic experience - many of the mums I know from the hospital have post-traumatic stress disorder or have started taking antidepressants.

The worry also doesn't stop when you get home, as you lose the security of hospital staff/monitors so are often second guessing yourself or constantly checking baby.

I have felt like you. I managed for a while but the sheer exhaustion and feeling like I was letting everyone down made me feel that everyone would be better off if I wasn't here.

I went to the GP, who gave me the same a/ds as you. She said they were ok to take while expressing. They have taken the edge off things.

You are not alone in feeling how you do, but you will get through it.

Fwiw my little one also has reflux and it's really hard work - see if your GP will prescribe colief or gaviscon.

I actually felt lots better now I've given up expressing - I found it exhausting expressing 6+ times a day. To be expressing and caring for a baby is exhausting and stress you don't need at the moment, but obviously it's your choice. The GP may also be able to suggest a comfort formula you could try to help the reflux.

From what you've said, your OH has no concept of depression and how bad you feel. Personally I would discount his view on antidepressants because of this. You need to get well. Please make an emergency appt with your GP (for you and baby) ASAP.

[IonaMumsnet]

H0pe - good idea to get to the GP tomorrow with your DD as a PP has suggested.

The noise when feeding could even be something like tongue tie, which is easily sorted, but whatever it is there will be a solution. In the meantime, if you're worried, can you try a plastic syringe to give her a bit of milk just for tonight so you aren't so anxious she's not had enough and you both get some sleep? Even the one that comes in a bottle of Calpol would do but a pharmacist would sell you a bigger one if you have a 24hr one near you. Time consuming but might be worth a go.

PS - one of mine was a bottle-refuser too. You certainly aren't alone.

[Givinguph0pe]

curtains hope your baby is home soon. We were only in for just over a fortnight and I know it is extremely stressful.

She's had 80mls of milk so I feel slightly better. The problem is she eats little bit often so today she's had 12 feeds and about 60mls each time - it would be so much easier if she'd have less feeds but more milk. I feel like all I'm doing is feeding her and I find feeding her so stressful. I did wonder about tongue tie.
I'm so very tired. I just want to go to sleep but I'm only getting maybe an hour and a half unbroken sleep at a time between her feeding and the expressing.

Thank you everyone for being kind

[MytwinisMilaKunis]

Oh love. You are not doing anything wrong. My dd was the same with a bottle - it turns out the flow on the teat was too fast. What brand bottle are you using? Please listen to all these wise women on here and take your meds and ask for help. We are here for you. You may not believe it now but how you are feeling will change. You will be happy again.

[BeaufortBelle]

Gosh yes, try new teats, the floe gets faster the older the teats are. Finger on the dr's number a minute before they open and please let us know how things go today.