Never felt this bad

[horacemorris]

I am in terrible turmoil. It's my own fault. Neglecting my responsibilities has lead to this so I can't blame anyone else. No one to talk to in rl. I wish I had a time machine and could do things differently. No malice was ever meant. I don't know how to deal with it and don't feel strong enough to give any more details. Just hoping writing it down might help. If I try to rectify what I have done it will lead to even more trouble. Please Lord help me

How are you doing now horace?

Awful. Thanks for asking Goingtobe and Bg. How's everyone else doing?

Will definitely have to go to doc on Monday as I feel so terrible. Nausea, pins and needles, awful breath and tongue. Heart racing constantly and feeling dizzy and weak.

I feel like I am living in a nightmare. Trying to get through one day to the next but that's not going to fix my problems. Whichever way I try to solve it will be a catastrophe for me and my family. Sorry for rambling on like incompetent fool I am. My poor OH will be so disappointed in me when he finds out the truth

Oh horace I'm sorry you feel so bad. Have unmumsmetty ((hug)).
Can you tell us what you mean abour
Dh finding out the truth? I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.

It is . Thank you for the hug and flowers. How are things with you?

I think my only solution is suicide. I can't think of any other way. The enormity of the situation is too big for me to deal with. I will miss my OH and ds so much.

Time to put on a smiley face as everyone is getting up. Enjoy your day everyone.

Get through another day. At least one good thing will happen xx

Horace, I'm glad to see you posting again. Remember we are all here for you.

Please see someone today. Please don't take away your life. You'll be taking away your DH and DD's life too.

I've seen the hurt in my DH eyes when I've said about killing myself. Please don't hurt your family. I love my DH and DC more than I like myself and that keeps me going. I'm sure you love your DH and DC too. Right now, decide to live for them while trying to help yourself. One hour at a time. Please.

I'm posting and running as I'll regret saying this but I'm trying to help you understand you aren't alone.

I've been taking H-5TP (or called something like that) for three nights. Last night was the first time I slept with DH in weeks and since I started with it. I started feeling weird before we did, I'm certain the tablets fault, and I honestly felt like I was cheating on my husband by sleeping with him. And again this morning I still felt the same. I know it's just because I'm messed up due to so much going on and recently talking to my ex who I still have feelings for, DH knows but when your mind is vulnerable you can make the wrong decisions. It's a moment. You don't have to act on it. I'm freaking out big time but I'm just trying to keep busy so I have no time to think.

DH and I are looking for a beach to go to with the kids. Cheap, easy, chips and ice cream. Good plan. I'm looking forward to it, the paper later, Ant and Dec on the telly and some chocolate. Just little boosts.

Take care.

Either way I'm a coward. I can't face my problems so what's the alternative? Thank you everyone for the kind posts.

Surely no mother is better than a deadbeat disappointment who can't face up to her responsibilities. Just waiting for the shit storm to begin. I think my OH will be better off without me. He can move into someone with a good job and prospects. I bring nothing into the relationship at all. He has had to deal with the fallout from previous problems and I wouldn't blame him if he is sick to the back teeth of me.

You have to find a way. Whatever you have done is NOTHING compared to how your family will feel if you killed yourself.

I had no mother. It is horrible. Please don't hurt yourself because you'll be hurting your partner and your children more.

I'm posting really personal stuff I would get totally flamed for because I am worried for you, I'm trying to help you, I'm trying to make you believe you are not in your own, I'm trying to make you see that you can get through this but you have to tell someone what it is.

My DH has forgiven me for things I have done. He's even forgiven me when I have don't it again and again. He wouldn't forgive me for killing myself.

You need help and you need it now.

NOONE would be better off without you.

horacemorris I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I also wanted to reassure you that you can share what is going on if it will help. You will not be judged or abused no matter what you have done. We have all made mistakes, none of us are perfect. We may be able to help.

xxx

I hope you're feeling a bit more positive this afternoon. My depression has been dragging me into some pretty deep lows recently resulting in me wanting to end it all but I can't for my children. No matter how crap you think you are you are your sons world, just remember that all he needs is your love. This helps me when I'm feeling totally useless and my other half is constantly picking up my slack.
And as for what ever is on your conscience honestly is always the best policy. Xx

Horace, I was thinking of you when sat in the freezing cold being rained on eating my chips. Please let us know you are okay.

Hi there Horace. Hope you're feeling ok this afternoon. Do pop back and let us know how you're getting on.

We know you have already spoken to The Samaritans but we thought there was no harm in posting some links to sources of help again.

Here are our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

It's hard not to give emotionally when someone is clearly in pain. But I hear you, Iona.

Thanks for the support everyone. Still here!

Glad you got through the day x

Good!!!!

Hi horace, I've just read your thread and, like others, am really sorry to hear that you're beating yourself up so much. Isn't there anyone, either on-line or in RL, that you can confide in about your worries? We all worry unduly (OK, I do) about things that seem massive in our own minds, and they just become more and more magnified the more we go over and over them. Sometimes saying our worst imagined fears aloud or writing them down can be a huge relief.

I remember telling my best friend that I had something I simply couldn't bring myself to tell her. She said "Lobster, I can guarantee that whatever it is, it will pass. Just because your parents didn't love you unconditionally doesn't mean that everyone is the same." She was right.

for you.

Horace, how are you feeling today?

Not feeling any better. Saw to yesterday who prescribed Sertraline. Has said I need to make an appointment for counselling. It's just one f**king thing after another. My life has changed dramatically in the space of a few weeks (not for the better). One bad thing seems to lead to another. Sorry if I am being self putting. Can't really talk to anyone in rl. Feel like I am living in a dream world. Everyone around me is carrying on as normal and I feel like my world is about to collapse. Everything had come to a head and I don't know how much more I can take