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Original poster

Never felt this bad

80 replies

horacemorris · 02/03/2016 12:39

I am in terrible turmoil. It's my own fault. Neglecting my responsibilities has lead to this so I can't blame anyone else. No one to talk to in rl. I wish I had a time machine and could do things differently. No malice was ever meant. I don't know how to deal with it and don't feel strong enough to give any more details. Just hoping writing it down might help. If I try to rectify what I have done it will lead to even more trouble. Please Lord help me Sad

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Goingtobeawesome · 02/03/2016 17:43

Horace - I've been thinking about you this afternoon. I'm not going to presume I understand but I wonder if it would help if I explain how I feel? Hopefully you'll feel less alone.

I have suicidal thoughts a lot at the moment. There's been so much I've wanted to post about on here but I've had such a lot of aggression and felt bullied previously that I haven't felt able too. It is so personal and hard to talk about I would have felt crushed to be attacked again. Having said that, I have seen such kindness on here I would hope you, and everyone, would always have the same.

I don't actually want to die. I'm terrified of dying. What I want is the pain to stop. Nothing so far has helped and even if it becomes bearable for a while it always comes back and the fact it does makes me feel it's never going to be okay and that scares me.

I can't leave my DH. He adores me and it would cause him so much pain. I can't leave my DC as I know what it is not to have a mother so much as I think I'm crap, I'm better than nothing.

I hope you saw the GP and I hope they helped.

Marchate · 02/03/2016 18:14

hm, without wishing to sound like one of the 'count your blessings' brigade, I would like to suggest you think of two things that make your life better. One will probably be your family. Think of one more, then keep those good things in mind when you feel awful

xx

Original poster
horacemorris · 03/03/2016 05:53

Oh well, here goes another day. Will put on a brave face while getting LO ready for school and waiting for dp to go to work. Then will do the minimum that needd to be done then crawl into bed to torture myself by imagining what is to come. Thank you Goingtobe for your perspective, I am sorry you are going through what you are. Thank you Marchate, will try and use your top today. I do have my little family to be grateful for but they deserve so much better.

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Original poster
horacemorris · 03/03/2016 05:57

I am sorry if I sound like I am just wallowing in self pity but I don't know what else to do

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VilootShesCute · 03/03/2016 06:19

Just keep going. Take each hour as it comes Flowers

Original poster
horacemorris · 03/03/2016 06:25

Thank you VilootFlowers

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Goingtobeawesome · 03/03/2016 07:28

Sometimes just allowing yourself to feel sad, cry, sit and do nothing is the right thing to do.

I know today is going to be impossible for me. I've accepted that and I just hope tomorrow is better.

Original poster
horacemorris · 03/03/2016 09:08

Flowers for you Goingtobe. Really struggled dropping my LO off at school, found my breathing difficult and trying not to faint. Why is today going to be impossible for you? Anything you want to talk about?

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Goingtobeawesome · 03/03/2016 10:13

Well done for doing the school run. Claim it as a win.

I need to talk to someone but doing so will either make me much worse or just better for a few minutes. I'm struggling with so many feelings yesterdays news has really hit me hard too and I've no idea what to do. I nearly didn't drive home today. Just wanted to run away.

Original poster
horacemorris · 03/03/2016 10:22

I'm so sorry that yesterday bought bad news for you. Are you at home now? What are your plans for today? Remember there are lots if kind people on here if want to post more. I will be hovering around on here too. I am trying to get myself together as oh wants to go out for tea tonight. Dreading trying to get a meal down my neck infront of him. Still not told him how I am feeling and probably won't. I want to try to use tonight as an opportunity to forget everything but on the other hand I feel that I deserve to feel bad. Take care today. Can you ring the Samaritans at all for a chat?

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Goingtobeawesome · 03/03/2016 11:10

it was national news that was the issue. Brought flash backs. I'm at home. Not doing anything. Just watching tv. Trying not to cry. Trying not to hurt myself. Sorry, this is your thread. I really am supposed to be supporting you. Not moaning. DH texted. Told him I was struggling. I love him and i was sorry. Could you tell your partner how you are feeling by text if you can't say it out Loud?

Original poster
horacemorris · 03/03/2016 11:32

Hi awesome. Don't apologise. I don't want to involve him in this, he has enough on his plate with work as he has a stressful job. Also his dad died at a young age because of heart problems so I don't want to put anymore pressure on him. I think I will try and muddle on a bit more but I will probably have to admit defeat and go to gp. Let's hope sometime in the future you and I are in a much better place! Keep posting if you feel up to it, I will be here

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Goingtobeawesome · 03/03/2016 11:34

I get the not wanting to put pressure on as my DH is in a very stressful job at the moment and the last few years, and previous five months really, have been horrific but I'm not as nice as you and do tell him I'm struggling.

Please ring your GP today. Write what you want to say down and then be your own best friend and give it to them.

AliceScarlett · 03/03/2016 13:07

Seeing your GP isn't admitting defeat, you can't expect to cope alone...would you expect to cope with asthma or diabetes alone?

Original poster
horacemorris · 04/03/2016 05:29

I feel so bad. Hoping my anxiety will kill me

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Original poster
horacemorris · 04/03/2016 05:35

A"natural" death bought on from the stress would be appreciated right now.

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Original poster
horacemorris · 04/03/2016 05:40

Things are escalating out of control and I can't do anything about them. It's just one fucking thing after another. Lay here looking at my beautiful innocent child and thinking he's going to realise what a terrible person I am

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Original poster
horacemorris · 04/03/2016 05:41

A useless terrible person.

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Original poster
horacemorris · 04/03/2016 06:47

I must deserve this, it must be karma. Just waiting for the fallout now, my life will be ruined.

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Original poster
horacemorris · 04/03/2016 06:48

Sorry I can't go into more detail. I couldn't cope with the flaming which I would deserve.

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Original poster
horacemorris · 04/03/2016 06:50

All the things I have moaned about it worried about previously seen so small compared to this. Why have I wasted so many opportunities? I have taken advantage and now it's coming back to bite me on the bum big time.

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Broken1Girl · 04/03/2016 06:51

Flowers Hey. You're not a terrible person. You made a nice post on my thread, for a start. I know how much the small hours can suck. Things will get better. Seeing your GP is a good idea.

Broken1Girl · 04/03/2016 06:53

Oh x-post. I know the karma and what could have been thoughts well.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/03/2016 07:47

Horace, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Whatever has gone on for you I feel we are feeling the same right now. I actually prayed I would die last night.

Please, please go to your doctor today. I'm sad to see such a lovely lady suffering so much when there might be the perfect help for you available today. Please.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/03/2016 17:57

Horace, how are you? How's your day been?