Depression really is shit isn't it

[charliesweb]

Hi I'm currently in the middle of a relapse of depression and anxiety. I'm feeling really low today, and what makes it worse is that last night I felt normal. I dared to believe that maybe it was starting to ease. I hate knowing that although when I g to bed I can feel hope and positive about life that I'll be back at rock bottom when I wake up.
I just want to be happy again.

Yes, it is the shittest thing. I'm having a bad time, too. CMHT have doubled my AD dose which I'll start next week.

Do you have support at home?

Same. I've barely made it out of bed for the last 4 days because I have absolutely no energy at all. Going to the toilet leaves me so tired I want to cry!

I hope things improve for you soon

The stupid thing is that by the evening I'm starting to think why have I been so meladramatic. I then plan for all the things in going to do the next day. But come the morning everything feels overwhelming. I vegetate until lunchtime.
I'm very lucky and have loads of support from friends and my mum. My husbands support is variable. He gets quite frustrated with me. I think he feels I'm not fighting it but he doesn't realise how exhausting it is.

Good to hear you have support in place, OP.

It is all-encompassing and it's hard for spouses, sometimes, to understand.

Could your lows in the morning have something to do with medication I.e drowsy from night mess or going through withdrawal until your morning mess kick in till lunch time? My mess have recently been rearranged because I was experiencing lows in the afternoon it was due to my morning mess wearing off x

Thank you for everyone's responses. In a strange way it's good to hear from people experiencing the same stuff. It makes me feel a little less crazy. Sometimes when I'm feeling better I question whether or not the depression is real.
At the moment I wake up with an overwhelming sense of doom and darkness. Like I've done something terrible and something terrible is going to happen. It's a feeling of hopelessness, an absolute absence of hope. Every task becomes insurmountable.
I'm taking 40mg of citralopram, 20 before bed and 20 when I get up.
I am improving. The beginning of the week I was waking up and retching which isn't happening anymore, but I am struggling to eat before the afternoon.
to everyone suffering the same shit, hang in there.

Sorry for all the questions! But are you under a mental health team or just GP?

The only reason I ask is because gp's know very little about MH.

I have the opposite to you I'm fine in the morning, well I'm tired but I'm due my 3rd bubba tomorrow so might have something to do with it haha, but I suffer lows in the evening and can't wait to get to sleep just so I can finish the day and see the morning again

I'm seeing a very sympathetic GP. The only real route I have in my county is telephone counselling which I've had but I don't think had much impact. I got referred to a mental health practitioner last June when I think I had a breakdown, but by the time they had got back to me I was already in the system for the telephone counselling and they wouldn't see me. I don't think I meet their threshold to be seen as I am functioning. The doctor was concerned about my catatonic state last June.
I have had 6 sessions with a counsellor through occupational health at work, but that has now come to an end. I'd like to continue seeing her but it's £40-£50 for a 50 minute session so I don't know how many I could realistically afford.
The counselling ledge to make a big decision regarding work and although it was the right decision it's causing a lot of anxiety whilst the process happens. I am pulling out of a joband I keep worrying about all the people my decision will impact on.
But I needed to change something all the associated stress with the job seemed to be the trigger.

YEP - depression IS SHIT. It's impossible to describe or for anyone else who hasn't suffered it, to understand. Like you Charlie I wake feeling horrendous most mornings and stay under the duvet - it's not possible to name the emotions I feel. I get up about 12.30 (I'm lucky in that I'm an OAP, retired and have supportive DP) and if I'm lucky I start to lift about 3 in the afternoon, other times it's 6, or 9 or 10 or not at all - crap all day.
I've tried various meds but nothing gives me back my life. Next step is ECT but I'm scared stiff of memory loss.

Anyone else thought of having it?