Mine is huge - but at this precise moment in time I feel I have managed to muzzle him with a thin cotton sting and in a cage made of marshmallow. It's so incredibly fragile.
Before Christmas I was suicidal, I just did not want to be here. Over 15 years the beast has been with me. I have tried nearly everything- anti Ds, therapy, cut, mindfulness blah blah blah.
The only reason I have a tiny bit of control (and I do not recommend this for you, it's what is currently working for me) is no more anti Ds. I am trying to employ the techniques I have learnt from mindfulness to be more aware of my feelings. When I feel myself spiralling I go and do something. I write a blog to empty my brain. I have a learn French app to keep my brain occupied when I feel a bit down.
I am no longer abusing my body with food/ alcohol/ self harming.
I got my nails done sI I couldn't pull my hair and skin any more.
I am exercising. And cutting down on sugar.
Lol basically I am trying everything because I don't ever want to feel so low ever again.
It might work? It might not. But I am taking everything a day at a time, literally hour by hour just to get through and be OK.
My advice- learn to understand your feelings and speak to a counsellor to address them. And then get busy learning needs ways to manage your feelings.
I really hope this helps! Xxxxx