Can anyone throw any insight into why I continually sabotage myself?

[JammingtonDodger]

I drag my feet about getting things done every single day, despite knowing full well that starting earlier and being more organised would lead to a relaxed happy day. In the mornings I procrastinate and procrastinate and convince myself that I still have time to shower, make packed lunches, etc etc etc, until it is clearly too late and my anxiety during the last few minutes before me and the DC get out of the house is raised to fever pitch - I am racing around almost in tears, my breathing is too fast and I make the kids' mornings crap before they even get to school.

I don't understand what it is that deludes me into thinking that 'this morning is different, I still have plenty of time'. I can't do packed lunches the night before, I just get unbelievably tired and can barely get up the stairs to bed - and I HATE making the lunches so much as all three DC are so fussy and it takes a stupid, disproportionate amount of brainpower trying to figure out what I have and what they'll eat. I dread doing the packed lunches every day.

I just don't know why I make things so difficult for myself. On the few occasions I have meal planned for the evening, for example, my life runs so much more smoothly and it is SUCH a relief not spending the entire day worrying about what I might be throwing together for dinner ...

Why why why????? I feel if I could identify why I'm like this I might have some hope of changing. It's as if I don't want to grow up and be a capable, organised adult. But WHY???

Would he contribute to the meal planning and work with you to encourage the children to be less fussy, for example?

You sound lovely and fun and I think you are being a bit too hard on yourself. You've has some good advice. Why don't you have a chat with your DH and let him have some insight into what you are dealing with.

Aw, thank you mystery! What a nice thing to say.

To you and Emma, though, sharing all this with DH to the extent that I have on here just isn't an option, unfortunately - just one of these things I have to make the best of. I've known him for two decades and know this is something I just need to get on and deal with on my own. It's ok though, I'm up to the challenge. In terms of housework and cooking, he more than pulls his weight and I don't feel in any way that he's leaving the bulk of it to me or anything. I just need to organise myself more ...

I think actually you SHOULD talk to your DH about this. Not in a 'this is your problem too, DH' kind of way, but just in the sense that you are married and you deserve a listening ear from your spouse. When you wrote "this is something I just need to get on and deal with on my own" that made me feel a little bit sad for you like you don't really like yourself and are just soldiering on quietly. No reason why you need to do that. I can understand if you feel he is Mr Efficient and it's humiliating but I still think you should mention it anyway and he will be kinder and more understanding than you expect.

I also echo those people who have said seek counselling, I'd suggest a psychotherapist rather than a counsellor if you want to get into the nitty gritty of where this comes from and change it. I do think its possible but I think you might need external help. I'd be really interested to hear how you get on. I'm quite similar and I feel it comes from a place of not valuing oneself very highly, negative self talk and false sayings about oneself that get put on autoplay and never challenged as to whether they are even true or not.

I'm confident it is possible to change this sort of thing, and I'd say that the hardest part of all is already done - recognizing that this is a long term pattern, realising you don't like it and deciding you want to change/understand. Some people never make it that far! So you deserve to feel good about that. Good luck.

I recognise this OP. In my case I'm good at the morning stuff (but find it mind numbing) it's the teatime meals I can't get my act together with. I work almost FT and commute so lack of time and anxiety about that and sense of constant rushing and missing things is behind it perhaps.

Many people probably really dislike the domestic and school admin work involved with school-age DC. It's very often women who do it, WoH or not, while the men work more. I would personally much prefer to work later than make tea and packed lunches, supervise homework and get grumpy DC changed! My mother felt the same way and my dad always made our packed lunches late in the evening.

We always do the damn lunches the night before as there isn't much time in the mornings.

Do you have a cleaner? That and online shopping are great for me: it's easy to shop from the sofa in front of the TV, and delivery is when DH is home to put it away!

Emma and Golightly, in an ideal world, yes of course it would be good to be able to let all this out. Nobody's relationship is perfect, though, and I know the limitations of mine. It's ok, that bit - really.

Thanks for the suggestion re seeking out a psychotherapist instead - I really have no idea of the distinctions between different kinds of therapist, so thank you for the headsup.

Duckdeamon no, no cleaner! Not financially justifiable, I'm afraid...

How are you feeling this week Jammington?

I read somewhere on the Internet (so obviously it is completely true) that some scientists somewhere did some research...

Basically, they did some brain scans on chronic procrastinators. What it showed up was that when they thought about things that they would have to do in the future, the bit of their brain that lit up was the bit that thinks about other people, not themselves - so they didn't really feel that the consequences of their procrastinations were going to happen to themselves.

I found it quite a useful idea - I now try to think of getting chores done as doing my future self a favour.

I also very much like www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/ and it directly addresses ways to go about 'unfucking' your life and surroundings when feeling ill/depressed.

This is a great article about what can be going on in our heads when we procrastinate, and it has cute illustrations too: waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

Right, packed lunches. They are a pain, no one likes doing them.
Most children have school dinners, and as they are free for the youngest 2, yours could join the majority of their classmates and just get on with it. They might moan for a bit but they will get used to it. They don't have to love it. And you are not there so will not have to put with any fuss while they are eating it.
The oldest one is old enough to plan a healthy packed lunch for herself, with a bit of help from you. Sit her down, make a weekly plan which includes protein, carbs, fruit and veg and something nice like yougurt or raisins. Do the same lunches every week- if she wants something different, she has to come up with a suitable suggestion. And you can make it during the day, you don't have to wait till bedtime. I do them while preparing dinner.
Once you've sorted that, then move on to meal planning. You do it at the same time every week, with everyone else making suggestions. Each person gets to choose one meal each week, but you all eat the same meal. You can use a recipe book or Pinterest to give you ideas. You can have a 2 or 4 week rotation or the same every week.
Once you know what you're eating, you do the shopping list. Doesn't really !matter if its online or in person.
Don't sweat the small stuff- it sounds as if everry decision is hedged with ifs and buts- no wonder it all seems so overwhelming.
And give yourself time limits to complete tasks in, followed by a reward!

waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

Has anyone posted this article? It's the best explanation of procrastination I've ever read. And there is a link in it to a further article giving suggestions as to how to beat it.

I'm a born procrastinator, but since reading this piece I've made huge progress. Identifying the 'dark playground' moment in real time somehow helps give me the impetus to get out of it. Ditto actually saying to myself 'no, do it now! You are procrastinating' about stuff i habitually put off (dentist, smear test etc) seems to work. I'm a long way from recovered, but as the article points out, once you start making changes, it is such a virtuous circle. Once you start doing stuff in good time, you get the buzz from that instead, and it is addictive!

Also, how old are your kids? Don't underestimate the effect of the stress they can cause. I faff around on mn way less than I used to a few years ago. That is because now our youngest (of 3) is nearly 2, I know the baby days are officially over, and I have had a massive surge of energy and happiness about the next stage of our lives beginning. Depression and procrastination are happy bedfellows.

Aha, just seen that itchy posted the same link just before me. The time to read that article has definitely come

I am similar op especially with the cup of tea, on my phone and getting ready at the last minute.

I was only thinking today how much easier it is now dd has school dinners. She was anxious about it and can be fussy but she has adjusted as your dc would.

My ds is very defiant and hates being told what to do. So he knows he has to do certain things at certain times eg teeth at 8 o'clock then downstairs, shoes on, coat on. So now instead of directing him and standing over him, then running out of time and rushing, I just call out, it's 8 o'clock and off he goes.

Sorry, reading that back it sounds like the advice I give is 'just do it' - obv we all know that doesn't work. Rather it involves labelling behaviours to yourself as they occur, as the first step to overcoming them. So not just 'oh damn I really should make the lunches or I'll regret it', but spelling out to yourself the whole process of you are doing, ie 'OK I'm in the dark playground here, what will happen if I don't stop is that I'll feel dark and miserable, and if I make the lunches I'll feel good for not procrastinating and also do xyz treat, etc etc'.