Can anyone throw any insight into why I continually sabotage myself?

[JammingtonDodger]

I drag my feet about getting things done every single day, despite knowing full well that starting earlier and being more organised would lead to a relaxed happy day. In the mornings I procrastinate and procrastinate and convince myself that I still have time to shower, make packed lunches, etc etc etc, until it is clearly too late and my anxiety during the last few minutes before me and the DC get out of the house is raised to fever pitch - I am racing around almost in tears, my breathing is too fast and I make the kids' mornings crap before they even get to school.

I don't understand what it is that deludes me into thinking that 'this morning is different, I still have plenty of time'. I can't do packed lunches the night before, I just get unbelievably tired and can barely get up the stairs to bed - and I HATE making the lunches so much as all three DC are so fussy and it takes a stupid, disproportionate amount of brainpower trying to figure out what I have and what they'll eat. I dread doing the packed lunches every day.

I just don't know why I make things so difficult for myself. On the few occasions I have meal planned for the evening, for example, my life runs so much more smoothly and it is SUCH a relief not spending the entire day worrying about what I might be throwing together for dinner ...

Why why why????? I feel if I could identify why I'm like this I might have some hope of changing. It's as if I don't want to grow up and be a capable, organised adult. But WHY???

Thanks, Rainbow. I do online shops and they're great, but I just can't nail the meal planning with any degree of habit. I dread sitting down to meal plan and doing an online shop as my kids are so fussy. Cooking, which I used to love so much, is now a miserable chore met with resistance and gloom.

I just checked when I had my last online shop delivered - 25 October. So although I'm paying for the delivery subscription each month, in reality I'm rushing into Asda in a panic most days to cobble together something for that night's dinner only, because I can't fucking get it together to allocate time to sit and meal plan. I just keep it at arm's length because the thought is so depressing. Such a waste of time and money to do it the way I am.

PS School uniform is the only thing I iron and I'm quite happy with that!

I have a reserved slot once a week with Ocado, and it get filled up automatically with the things I normally buy, so I just have to edit it a little. And it's free, because it's a Wednesday and I spend over £75. Because the minimum for free delivery is so high, I always end up with lots of food and I only go the she shops maybe once a week. I also buy meat in bulk from a local farm and freeze it.

Re meal planning, I don't really plan, I just take out something of the freezer the day before and let it thaw slowly in the fridge and work with that. If it's mince, I could end with a chili, a curry or hamburgers. Often I end up doing all three in the same week! I make sure I have enough tins, cans, rice, spices etc so that I can always cook without having to go out. I really resent super market shopping, it takes forever and I always get stuck in traffic!

So what I am saying is, you don't really have to meal plan, you just have to make sure you always have the freezer and cupboard full. And of course, if you make something like a chili, you make a double portion, and serve it again later the same week.

About the school lunches, mine have a school lunch once a week, on the roast day. So I get a break. Perhaps you could do something similar? Most school kitchens wil have a similar menu every week, like fish Friday or pizza Tuesday. It will become your favourite day of the week, and with time you can add another day, when they are used to it.

Re the fussiness, tell your kids that you realise that this isn't their favourite meal, but that you expect them to eat it anyway, as that they have to eat a varied diet and tell them when their favourite meal is coming up. To a certain degree we as parents allow our kids to be fussy by accepting that they don't like something. I realise that reality is different, of course. But if you resent cooking now, then something has to give, and it's going to be your kids with this one. Don't let them make meal time into a drama!

Thanks, misscph. I used to have a regular Saturday morning slot with Tesco -8-9am as I'm always up with the kids then - but I got fed up having to change out of my dressing gown to wait for the guys coming (I don't have a shower until DH gets up about 9.30 on Sats). So I stopped, and I can't think of another regular slot that would work.

I had the great plan of doing a month's meal plan so we'd know what we were having every day, and booking all 4 weekly deliveries at once to get it over with - felt I could just about handle that awful prospect - but when I looked into it, you can only book with Tesco 3 weeks in advance. This just threw everything into complication for me, in terms of when our salary goes into the account etc, so I gave up. I think part of the problem is that I do make what I see are really not that ambitious plans to get organised; they fail anyway, and I just end up despondent - it's like two steps forward and three back.

The DC used to have fish and chips at school on Fridays but hate it now. And I can think of about two meals that the whole family will eat. SIck of it.

Everything seems so complicated to me, and strewn with obstacles. Making a double portion of chilli, like you suggest - I'd have to find containers to freeze the rest in. I don't know where all my containers are hiding - some the kids have taken to school and lost, some might now be housing drawing pins or matches or shit ... and I'll forget what's what if I put something in the freezer - half the stuff in there is completely unidentifiable. I have tried buying freezer labels in the past but the writing just wiped off and I still had no idea what things were.

I think maybe also it's the fact that DH is so organised and productive - he achieves things all throughout the day, whereas I simply get through the day.

When he works from home once a fortnight I come home and as well as actually doing the work he's paid for (he's v conscientious and wouldn't take the piss), he's also put up a shelf, taken twelve carloads to the dump and prepared tea. When I'm at home by myself ... I faff and do nothing , its like I'm rebelling against him in some way. Or rather, I do nothing till just before the DC come home, then I hare around getting rid of the breakfast dishes, which would have been so easy just to do at 9.15am when I come back from the school run, then when the DC are in, I fly around doing stuff to pretend to DH I haven't been procrastinating all day. So the DC are left to their own devices rather than me spending a nice couple of hours after school with them.

Tbh, to me, you just seem a bit lazy, perhaps a bit bored, under-stimulated, unfulfilled, and addicted to the internet/computer/phone.

Every piece of advice or suggestion you've been given here has been met with "I can't because...." and they really are shit excuses. "I can't batch cook because I can't find any containers to freeze food in", "I can't online shop because I don't like having to get dressed to accept the delivery".

Have you thought about getting a job?

Have you tried not switching your phone or any devices on in the morning until you've done what needs doing? Or going cold turkey and not logging on to the internet for a couple of days? I know how easy it is to waste a few hours flicking between mumsnet/facebook/etc and you seem to have spent a lot of time today on here.

Yes, you're right, DrGoogle. So how do I stop being lazy? It's the HOW that eludes me. I have tried and tried and tried to break out of this cycle for years. I hate being like this. I want to be an efficient, competent adult. The thought of doing all these little things like sorting out batch cooking overwhelms me. There seems to be so much to it.

I have a job for half the week.

Yes, I have tried things like that with the phone. I've tried every bloody thing to improve this that I can think of/google. My life's still exactly the same.

Yes, obviously I have spent a long time on here today, because I am desperate for someone to give me answers. And yes, I know that someone should be me, but I am too dull or stupid or unmotivated or lazy to come up with the solution.

OP, are you me? I could have written literally everything you have said, right down to the school lunches. I once asked a psychologist friend why I do this and she said, "Because you aren't scared enough." Basically, when I do it my way it's stressful and unpleasant but my kids do ultimately get fed and get to school on time most days (usually with less than a minute to spare). Back in my university days I would put off studying until the last minute and then cram all night, which was awful, but I still managed to do pretty well on my exams. For whatever reason, my own stress is not enough of an incentive to do better, and with no outside consequences I couldn't change. This is why I've always been able to get to work on time and stay on deadline, because there are real tangible consequences if I don't. The frustrating thing, of course, is how to change. I haven't figured that one out yet, unfortunately.

For packing lunches, one thing I have found that helps with my picky eaters is to pack the exact same thing for each kid every day. DS1 gets a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a yogurt cup, some grapes or berries, and a small cookie or mini-size chocolate bar. I occasionally substitute a bagel and cream cheese for the PB and J. DS2 won't eat sandwiches so he gets sliced turkey and cheese, crackers, a yogurt cup (but of course he only likes the flavors DS1 hates!), an apple or banana, and a little packet of those fruit snacks that are basically candy. They both buy milk at school. I have 2 sets of all of the containers I need to prepare their lunches and at this point the whole thing takes no thought at all, including food shopping. If the kids don't like having the same thing every day, they are welcome to buy lunch at school. Of course, I still wait til the last minute to pack the lunches but at least I don't have to think about it.

alan, I wish I had a psychologist friend! Did s/he give you any advice at all?
I really, really just want to know why, as I feel that if I could identify the reason I could then think up better strategies to overcome all this crap - because the myriad ones I've tried over the past X number of decades certainly haven't bloody worked!

Back in my university days I would put off studying until the last minute and then cram all night, which was awful, but I still managed to do pretty well on my exams.

Snap - I was identical at university.

The kids' school doesn't allow peanut butter! Otherwise they would all have that every day. DS1 really only likes ham in his sandwiches and I am reluctant to give him that every single day due to the processed-meat thing - really not healthy. I will try and pin down exactly what they would all have each day, but I think they'd want more variety ... thanks for all the suggestions though. I am taking them on board.

The thing is, it's not the internet/phone etc that's the problem, as such - it's the procrastination. In the days before the internet I'd be exactly the same with trashy glossy women's magazines, I remember it well. It's just a symptom. I really want to understand why I do this.

Sorry but I think your over thinking this. Your trying to find answers to simply avoid the responsibility of doing it. I know u want to do these things, but your the only one making the choice not to do them. You have had plenty of suggestions to do things and dismissed them all. What is so wrong with getting dressed to answer the door, it will make your life easier and it means your dressed for the day. If you don't have an plastic tubs, go buy some.

It's like your search for answers is completely distracting you from just getting on.

Here's an example of how we deal with organisation and self sufficiency- when a person first learns to cook. Person A finds it's overwhelming, stressful and sometimes goes wrong. Person A doesn't give up and over time it gets easier, person A feels more compitent, starts enjoying learning new things and eventually finds the majority of cooking effortless and calm.

Person B too finds it overwhelming, gets very stressed and things go wrong. Person B decides they are crap at cooking and rarely cooks anything. On the off chance person B does cook anything because they rarely cook they find it so difficult and get very easily overwhelmed and dread the next time.

Now do you want to be person A or person B? The only thing stopping you been person A is your behaviour. You give in too easily and procrastinate rather then just getting on. Nobody was born efficient at life, it's a learnt skill and the more u do what u put off the easier it will get.

I'd be interested to know how you spent your time before having children because I'd have you down as a bit of an adrenaline junkie and I suspect your life now doesn't deliver that.

We all have this to an extent - like leaving the report we have to write until it's urgent, rather than writing it a week beforehand because it is too boring to think about until a bit of drama makes you step up. I'm great at working out exactly how late I can start stuff and still get it done for this very reason. People think I am very organised - if only they knew ;)

Fundamentally I suspect you are a bit bored with the mornings/ packed lunches thing (and who can blame you, childcare can be soul destroyingly boring at times) so I suspect the delaying is the way of giving yourself sufficient adrenaline to make it interesting by having to rush around at the last minute.

Harden your heart and give them school lunches. They'll moan for a week then forget about it. I know the nurturing instinct makes you feel you should provide for them, but it's doing you (and them) no favours. They need to learn to eat a variety of food even if it is not their favourite and I bet you'll be amazed what they will eat for other people which they wouldn't eat for you.

Here's a suggestion for the mornings: Put an alarm clock in the middle of the kitchen (buy the loudest one you can get). Set it the night before. When that goes off everyone has fifteen (or however many minutes you calculate you need) to dress themselves, do hair and teeth etc. Make the running around exciting and fun. You can play fast music as you all dash around if you like. Have everyone skid to a halt in a line by the door at the end of the time. You can make it extra exciting by doing a count down. The first one there gets a sticker or other reward and a cheer from the others.

Have a couple of quick fixes like socks and hairbrush by the door if you need them, but no-one will die if everything isn't perfect. My youngest went to school in odd socks and back to front T shirts for years because he liked it that way.

I suspect that will give you the excitement you need whilst keeping everything good humoured.

Worth a try?

Would juSt like to add we are all a bit guilty of this. But if you find your getting overwhelmed a lot because your putting things off a bit too much its best just to get on with the task at hand.

I never did find out exactly why I was as I was before I got my act together. It was only after I started forcing myself to be more organised did I realise that if we just get on with something over time we find it a lot easier and are less likely to avoid it.

I am like this. I get overwhelmed, and give myself excuses, and things get done in the nick of time and never quite as I'd imagined them.

However - the only way out is to commit to the process of getting better at doing stuff in a routine.

1. Swallow your frog Get the thing you hate the most done first. Do not sit down/open your phone/make a cup of tea/whatever before doing it.

1. Make 3 things non-negotiable. I choose, post school run, to do breakfast table & kitchen clear up and wipe down (1), load of washing on (2) and meal plan/meal prep for dinner (3).

1. School dinners. No choice, alas for my DC. I told them if they wanted packed lunches I would never put in pudding . But you can make packed lunches as unappetising as school diners, is my point. They will moan, then they will comply, and no one will starve. There's always toast after school if needed. It has eliminated a whole load of stress for me not thinking about food away from home. I hear you on the meal planning - can you give your DH the food shopping & meal planning task instead?

You are making excuses, and you need to challenge yourself when you hear that you're doing it. If you KNOW that one more scroll through MN will lead to another hour wasted, you need to acknowledge the thought and act on it. Give yourself 15 minutes to do something, and then give yourself permission to come back to MN after you've spent that 15 mis doing something else.

Get over yourself. Do stuff. Yes, it's as easy as that. Try it.

If it was as easy as 'just getting on with it' and taking responsibility, I would have managed it on one of the seventeen billion occasions in the past where I have tried. The effort of trying, over and over again, is absolutely fucking monumental. I hate being like this, it drags me down and mars almost every day to some extent.

The thing with all the suggestions that people have - really kindly - taken the time to think of and write down, is that I kind of already know most of the tips and fixes to streamline routines and make life easier. I've tried them all in the past. And failed. It's momentum and motivation that I'm lacking and don't know how to achieve.

That's so helpful, borntobequiet! Just do it! God, why on earth didn't I think of that(!) Do you tell people with cancer to just snap out of it too?

Have you considered counselling then, OP, to explore why it could be? If it is making you miserable on a day-to-day basis, over the course of years, then it's probably worth spending some money on trying to find out your personal, deep-seated issues why with someone who can guide you. Because obviously this thread doesn't seem to have shed any light, and you've thought about it/researched it a lot already, so you need to find out why in a tailored and specific way.

Yes, I suppose that's the next step, Squirrels. Thank you.

I'm just like you OP! You're not alone! I'm also depressed atm, so it's particularly bad, but I've always been a bit like it. I'm doing one-to-one CBT with a counsellor and it's helping... A bit. When I see her it all makes sense and then I tend to slip up until I see her again! But I am working on it which is an improvement at least. I don't know how to fix it but I know thinking negatively doesn't help, so conversely thinking positively does. Along the lines of what misscph said. Focussing on what I have done and not beating myself up about what I haven't done. Telling myself I can do it. Breaking tasks down, small and achievable, one thing at a time.

What does your counsellor say about the reasons behind what you're doing (or not doing, probably), AnotherEmma?

Bit harsh op comparing your situation to cancer. Cancer isn't a choice, you choose not to do things. People with cancer are fighting a battle with illness.

I'm sorry. I was just judging that comment 'Do stuff.' to be roughly as helpful as telling someone ill to simply decide to be better. But you're right.

You say you're not physically ill or depressed. Your situation and the comment made above is in no way comparable with someone who has cancer. You do have choices, you have the choice to just get on and do it, you simply can't be arsed. We're all guilty of doing that now and then, but most people choose not to allow it to get to the point where it impacts theirs and their children's lives.

You probably spent more time on here yesterday dreaming up excuses and justifying why nothing helps, than you spent doing anything productive. You're apparently too tired of a night to make packed lunches, and can barely make it up the stairs to bed, yet you were posting on here until nearly 11pm. Are you aware of the links between screen time and poor quality sleep?

I agree with NoSquirrels that you probably need some counselling, given that the numerous threads you've posted, and hints, tips and solutions that have been suggested have been of no use to you whatsoever.