I will be gone

[Iwillbegone]

I have a wonderful DH (together for 13 years, married 5) and a DS (3).
I have failed as an individual all my life, I was bullied in school, I’m a complete average, I haven’t managed to achieve anything as I just drift from one job to another (I have reasonably long term jobs but by ‘drifting’ I mean none of them have been fulfilling in anyway and I’ve always found myself unhappy). I have failed as a mother, I struggled to bond with my DS when he was born. I felt depressed already when I was pregnant as I struggled with the change in my relationship to my family (parents, sisters). I’ve always been very submissive in my relationships and allowed others to define my happiness.
I had to go back to work when DS was 10 months old, which I thought was too soon. I feel like I have missed out on his life, I feel distant from him most days. As a matter of fact, I don't feel like his mum. I have felt like a provider only (first milk, now money – as my DH is a SAHD). I feel like I am not a parent, an equal parent. I suffered from PND, never officially diagnosed but I was very down and suicidal. We moved to a new city when DS was 10 months as we wanted something better for him and us as a family. I found a better paying job and my DH has stayed at home since. I know that this has been both wonderful (to get to bond and spend time with our DS) and stressful for him, as he’s trying to find work. After we moved, our relationship was under a lot of pressure and it changed. I felt like my DH changed. I tried to discuss our issues many times but felt like DH ignored me and distanced himself from me. I felt betrayed and alone. I considered suicide many times and in hindsight; I wish I had killed myself then.
Instead, I go and fail as a wife. I started an affair which lasted many months. My DH eventually found out. I had been a loyal wife to him from the very beginning. To me, I was ‘married’ to him as soon as I fell in love with him and I was never interested in even looking at anyone else. I have always been strongly against cheating. I never needed that paper, that ring, to be his ‘wife’, but was so happy and proud to marry him. Our relationship hasn't been without problems over the years, we had years of pressure and problems from his ex. Our sex life was affected by my loss of self-confidence and interest in intimacy. But I was loyal, that was something you could not take away from me. Now I have completely ruined everything. I have woken up to this nightmare, which should have never happened to us. It is so out of character for me to do something like this. I cannot emphasize this enough. I feel like I must have been possessed by evil to have done this as I would have never even considered doing something like that and would never do anything like it again.
I know my DH and DS will be better off without me. I know I am a coward to be considering suicide as I have committed something so terrible and now I’m considering leaving my DH to deal with it all. I wish I never existed. My only accomplishment is to have carried that child for my DH to cherish when I am gone.
The only reason I keep going for now is to continue to save some money to help my DH and DS carry on when I’m gone. Also, I guess, I’m not too certain yet on the method I wish to use to kill myself. I don't want it to be messy and wish I could just disappear without leaving a body as I don't see the point in all those unnecessary arrangements when I’m dead (funeral etc). I think now is a good time to go as DS will have limited memory of me and his whole life ahead to grow up without me. I used to be so scared of dying but now I look forward to it.

I strongly doubt your DH thinks those things of you. I wrote this before its very long so apologies in advance. And maybe it'll be no help (that's what my mind is telling me).
I think your DH was worried about your welfare and was making sure you were safe. Because you matter.
When you didn't answer the phone he jumped to conclusions.
So the situation was he was very worried about your welfare when he couldn't get hold of you. It'd be normal and reasonable to be annoyed at someone if you really loved and cared for them, and thought they were in a bad state of mind, you were very worried about them and then you rang them. Then there was no answer and you discovered they had been having what seemed like a nice chat to someone. This is just an aspect of depression that people don't get and find hard to understand if they are not made aware of it and have it explained to them. You can be 'normal' sometimes especially when you are distracted from your thoughts.
Mood swings do what they say on the tin.
Maybe his mind jumped to unfair conclusions.
Does your mind ever jump to unfair conclusions about you?
I know mine does. Especially when I am in a low mood. And when I am in a low mood I believe the stuff more.
It's like assembling a bunch of really, grumbly, curmugeonly, supercritical, unhelpful, and unwilling-to-see-the-good-in-anyone, old men who hate young people and asking them to judge a garage band competition. What are the chances of them making a reasonable judgement? And then if someone questions them on their decisions how willing will they be to agree that they have been unfair?
It is unreasonable to ask a depressed mind to make a reasonable and fair judgement of yourself and your behaviour and your life. The assessment is going to be biased.
You are being unfair to yourself simple as that, and that's what makes me post this. Even though I am afraid because I don't know you, and I am afraid of making things feel worse for you than they already feel. But I really feel for you. So I'm trying to help.
You are not a danger to anyone. The real you is as fine a human being as anyone. No better and no worse.
Do you ever watch those hoarding shows? The way the person goes over and over the stuff in their house, they call that 'churning'. We used to not have a word for hoarding, now we even have a word for what people do with their stuff they can't throw out. Because they might need it.
Thoughts are sometimes like that. To our brains, churning them seems like an answer, a solution. If we churn them enough maybe we can find evidence. Hah! Told you I'd find enough reasons why I'm bad. Hah! Now look there's that bit of evidence from when I was aged 5, and my sister laughed in my face. The churning seems like 'action'. We think if we engage more in the thoughts we can fix ourselves by doing that.
Our minds are like google especially when they are experiencing depression, they more we enter negative search terms, the more frequently those search terms appear, so those ideas seem to be stronger and more frequent and appear to be the only 'evidence'. Soon you end up with a painted into the corner type of situation because all the thoughts keep seeming to end up with the same conclusion.
And it can escalate over time because the thought patterns get better at doing it, if it goes untreated and unsupported.

Our minds try to protect us by recreating all the hurt scenes from the past in order to try to protect us from more emotional pain.
There is a therapist out there who can help you feel different about this, and can equip you with skills. You just haven't met them yet. The right medication will also help enormously.
About regret. At any point in our lives, we take the option that seemed like the right thing to do at that time, based on all our previous life experience, the amount of social, emotional and other support we had or felt we had, at that very minute in time, and the emotional climate we were experiencing, which is ever changing. Even if that turns out to be what is later what might be called a 'mistake'. If there had been a better option at the time, that seemed truly truly open to us, we'd have taken it. Looking back on past behaviour doesn't work. Because you are looking back from now right this minute, wearing a different pair of glasses to view things with. Wish you luck.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I recognise the pattern of churning those negative thoughts in both of us, his is of course more understandable as he tries to deal with the events. I understand that he was upset. I just wish it was easier to explain it to him and he would accept what I am telling him. He was not worried about me, he is not worried about my mental state. He was upset that I was talking to my 'fucking friend', who he thinks was supportive and aware of my affair. That I chose to speak to him over DH and DS or that I chose to speak to him at all.

Hi WBG, just wondering how things are going for you, and hoping you are getting by okay.

Hi,

I’m back with an update and to say thank you for the support here.
I decided to contact the psychiatric team at the local hospital for evaluation and have been there to discuss my history with depression and the dark, high period. I’m due to see the psychiatrist and psychologist on 1 April to hear their proposal for treatment. I think they think its bipolar. I’m pleased, if I can say that, for the response they’ve given me. For their time, for listening to me and making sure I am ok after the appointment (following up with a phone call to check I’m ok). I feel so undeserving of it. I know this is what I hoped for but is this for real…? And are they rushing with their diagnosis? Can they know for sure? I know we are all unique, with our own special circumstances but can I really be ill and still appear to be ‘functioning ok’ to the outside world?

Weird coincidence that happened just now: this could out me but I sincerely doubt she’s a mumsnetter: bumped into a colleague from my team in the toilets at work. A lady from another department was there and my colleague greeted her too, but the lady didn't greet her back. As we walked back to our desks my colleague rolled her eyes and said ‘you know these bipolar people. One day they say hi, the next day they say nothing.’

Thank you for updating us & glad to hear you are getting help. Please keep us posted with your progress. Sending you lots of love

please call today i say that as six weeks ago i was contemplating suicide and i did self harm. i rang my doctors and they took me seriously and gave me meds. from where i was six weeks ago to now is astouding. i still have bad days but nowhere as bad and im finally feeling more positive. please reach out the help is there if you want it. im sorry you are suffering