I will be gone

[Iwillbegone]

I have a wonderful DH (together for 13 years, married 5) and a DS (3).
I have failed as an individual all my life, I was bullied in school, I’m a complete average, I haven’t managed to achieve anything as I just drift from one job to another (I have reasonably long term jobs but by ‘drifting’ I mean none of them have been fulfilling in anyway and I’ve always found myself unhappy). I have failed as a mother, I struggled to bond with my DS when he was born. I felt depressed already when I was pregnant as I struggled with the change in my relationship to my family (parents, sisters). I’ve always been very submissive in my relationships and allowed others to define my happiness.
I had to go back to work when DS was 10 months old, which I thought was too soon. I feel like I have missed out on his life, I feel distant from him most days. As a matter of fact, I don't feel like his mum. I have felt like a provider only (first milk, now money – as my DH is a SAHD). I feel like I am not a parent, an equal parent. I suffered from PND, never officially diagnosed but I was very down and suicidal. We moved to a new city when DS was 10 months as we wanted something better for him and us as a family. I found a better paying job and my DH has stayed at home since. I know that this has been both wonderful (to get to bond and spend time with our DS) and stressful for him, as he’s trying to find work. After we moved, our relationship was under a lot of pressure and it changed. I felt like my DH changed. I tried to discuss our issues many times but felt like DH ignored me and distanced himself from me. I felt betrayed and alone. I considered suicide many times and in hindsight; I wish I had killed myself then.
Instead, I go and fail as a wife. I started an affair which lasted many months. My DH eventually found out. I had been a loyal wife to him from the very beginning. To me, I was ‘married’ to him as soon as I fell in love with him and I was never interested in even looking at anyone else. I have always been strongly against cheating. I never needed that paper, that ring, to be his ‘wife’, but was so happy and proud to marry him. Our relationship hasn't been without problems over the years, we had years of pressure and problems from his ex. Our sex life was affected by my loss of self-confidence and interest in intimacy. But I was loyal, that was something you could not take away from me. Now I have completely ruined everything. I have woken up to this nightmare, which should have never happened to us. It is so out of character for me to do something like this. I cannot emphasize this enough. I feel like I must have been possessed by evil to have done this as I would have never even considered doing something like that and would never do anything like it again.
I know my DH and DS will be better off without me. I know I am a coward to be considering suicide as I have committed something so terrible and now I’m considering leaving my DH to deal with it all. I wish I never existed. My only accomplishment is to have carried that child for my DH to cherish when I am gone.
The only reason I keep going for now is to continue to save some money to help my DH and DS carry on when I’m gone. Also, I guess, I’m not too certain yet on the method I wish to use to kill myself. I don't want it to be messy and wish I could just disappear without leaving a body as I don't see the point in all those unnecessary arrangements when I’m dead (funeral etc). I think now is a good time to go as DS will have limited memory of me and his whole life ahead to grow up without me. I used to be so scared of dying but now I look forward to it.

How are you today OP?

Thank you for asking, TheRainDrops.
I’ve been talking to Samaritans and I guess it’s been ok to have that dialogue with them.
I still haven’t been to a doctor, I just don’t see the point in ‘trying to save someone like me’.
In those emails, Samaritans have been saying things like ‘there are people who care about you, who want you to get better’, but who are those people, really? Those of you, who don’t know me, who don't have to look at me, live with me, deal with what I have done? I cannot see why anyone who knows me, would ever accept / forgive what I have done, have any interest in my wellbeing, be there to listen to my troubles.
From a selfish point of view, I am living in hell. I’ve never had any problems with food but I’m now even thinking, why eat, isn’t this food totally wasted in me. Why keep myself alive with food, I don't deserve this. I don't want to invest in myself anymore. I don't need to look after myself. As long as I can keep going until my family is financially more stable to continue without me.
I don't see a way out, how could I get over this? Why am I even asking these questions, when I have caused so much distress to others. What has happened to me??

And I am so ashamed to admit that yesterday I shouted at DS for no real reason. I kept shouting and shouting at him. I wanted him to be scared of me and to hate me and as he looked at me, with fear and worry in his eyes and that little face, I felt sick. I felt like a monster.

I want to hurt myself, I want to destroy myself, I want to cut my face, pull my hair out, cut it all off. I want to show the world and remind myself every time I look in the mirror, that I am ugly inside out. I was never particularly pretty, but now I am truly ugly inside out. I don't even have inner kindness left, nothing.

Please go and see a doctor. I don't want to try and diagnose you over the internet, but this thread paints a picture of someone who is suffering from severe depression, and possibly still untreated PND.

You need help to get well. Your DS is very small, he won't remember that you shouted at him. He loves you, and you owe it to him to try to make yourself well. Please get in touch with a doctor.

Let your doctor help you. You can't see the point in 'helping someone like you' but they will be able to start the process of helping you to see how valuable your life really is, even tho it doesn't seem that way to you today.
Your little boy is counting on you, never lose sight of that. No matter what your opinion of yourself right now, you are his one and only Mummy and the sun shines out of you as far as he's concerned.

Will you book that appointment OP, if nothing else?

Hi,

Here’s an update: Since my last message, I don’t know why, but I decided to seek help through the counselor at work. She sent me to a GP, who listened and referred me to a psychologist (all through work) and thought I should see let her find me a psychiatrist and insisted I went to see my regular doctor to get medication.
I contacted a therapist, as recommended by the work psychologist, but she is not accepting new patients at the moment. She did, however, give me names of her colleagues who may be able to help.

I don’t know why I am doing this, writing this, seeking help. I don’t deserve it.
I feel ill but I don't know if others can see it. I don't feel like I've been taken seriously.

OP, if you need more people to talk to, post again in the Chat section. It gets a lot more traffic.

There's no reason to think you don't deserve help. If you don't, who does? Nobody is any better than anyone else. Definitely pursue help as far as you can. It can be difficult, I know. I once cried at a mental health nurse for the best part of an hour, who then breezily informed me she had no help to offer whatsoever, and I walked home crying. Just keep reaching out until you find the right people to help you. Call the names on the list, and see your GP about medication. Things can, and will, get better.

OP the pain you are in does sound awful but you can change this. Firstly you need to allow yourself permission to make mistakes. We all do it, we screw up, we have flaws. Never measure your sense of self on your mistakes, I can tell your a good person as a good person cares for the wrongs they do. So from today could you make a promise to yourself that it's ok you have made mistakes, the important thing now is to not beat yourself up about it and instead think of positive ways to forgive yourself and then you can make changes to the mistakes you made.

Just because you think your bad or worthless doesn't mean it's true. That's your opinion but it's swayed by the depressive state your in. Not reality. All mothers lose their cool with their kids now and again, your not bad for thar. Your human!! I think you need to build confidence in yourself as a mum, you remind me of how I felt after my 2nd child was born. I was convinced I was a bad mother etc. Can you put aside 1 hour a day to sit down with your child, play or cuddle. Don't worry if you don't feel close, that isn't something everybody instantly feels towards a child. Sometimes a mother can take a while to form bonds and feel confident as a mother. In time though you will slowly notice a bond forming, glimmers of happiness and confidence. I promise you things can be different, you can and do make a big difference to your child's life and you have a lifetime to be whoever you would like to be.

If you ever want to PM me feel free. I hope I don't sound patronising as I know it's hard to see your life as been content when your in a bad place, but I promise you can change things

Hello, long time no see. Although I have been lurking.
I wanted to say thank you for your support and advice last year. I took your advice and sought help.
I went to see my GP in early December. She advised me to see a psychiatrist (that's how they do it here, send you off with a letter and you find the specialist yourself).
After the short consultation, my GP, who of course is not a mental health professional, thought I might have bipolar. She also prescribed me some valproate (I have not taken any).
I have now been to a psychiatrist twice. I was quite pleased with the first appointment and quite hopeful, but less so with my appointment today. I know I am impatient and that diagnosis can take long and that many people are even misdiagnosed until they are correctly diagnosed after many years. I feel that my psychiatrist does not quite understand the severity of my situation. We have not even touched some of the main issues yet, which include my mood swings, rage, desire to self-harm. Just earlier this week I was this close to purposely pour boiling water all over my hand. My DH stopped me. Am I more ill in my own mind, than I am to other people? Today, my psychiatrist recommended that I ‘romance the shadow’. I don't really even know what that means but it sounds like I should somehow appreciate this crisis in my life and welcome it. She also put me on citalopram. She told me to let her know in case I experience another ‘high’. I’ve never taken any antidepressants and I’m scared.
I am scared and frustrated and sick of paying so much to get my sick head checked. I feel like giving up. Sounds to me like I’m being told that I really am a slattern in a pre-midlife crisis and I should just embrace this new found ‘evil’ side.

You are not evil, you are unwell and seeking help for an illness. I think you are being really brave to seek help and have that desire for diagnosis. The fact that you are impatient to be diagnosed suggests to me that you just want this fixed, NOW.. but you are right that it can take a while to get the treatment right.
Well done for taking the steps you have. Now you need to keep going.

Thank you, Realbadday, for acknowledging my troubles. This is what I would like from the mental health professional I’ve been seeing.
I particularly wanted to see a female psychiatrist, to feel more comfortable talking about my issues. I just feel like it’s been bit of ‘LTB’ approach, the Womens Lib, ‘maybe you felt free for the first time in your life!’ No, I know me, I was not well. Yes it was ‘a high’ but it wasn’t a good high. It was out of character and I was treating my loved ones horribly, not just my DH.
I get so angry, so raged, I want to hurt myself, it feels like I’m about to explode otherwise. I get those disturbing violent flashes I used to get after DS was born.

I would just really like for someone to listen and acknowledge and say, ‘yes, you were under a LOT of stress, you were ill (and still are) and you reacted in an abnormal way’ rather than suggest that it was something totally rational and inevitable, considering how long I had been ‘suppressing my shadow’. I acknowledge what I have done, how I have been behaving, how my rages get the better of me all too often. I am trying to deal with the aftermath of that period. I know it was me, but it wasn't me – do you see what I am saying? I want to process it and stop it from happening again. I do not want to sit here and wait for the ‘fun / high’ me to re-emerge, for me to ‘get my groove back’, to feel liberated from the depressed me. I know there is a non-depressed me, who is loving and caring but she is not the high me either.
I feel like I’m being made to think that I don't know myself, that everyone knows me better than I do.

Sorry, Reallybadday

Iwillbegone I just read this thread and your last post. I just wanted to share with you my husband's story if that's OK? 2 years ago he had a breakdown, was suicidal and signed off work for months. After he was seen by mental health team, he was very quickly diagnosed with bipolar 2. It's hard to describe the desperation he and I felt during this dark time. On one occasion I went out for the day only to find out thst evening he had been compelled to kill himself whilst the kids and I were out. To this day he doesnt know how he managed to hold on. The horror of what we could have come home to chills me even now. He was so close to completing suicide before he was medicated I had to lock the house at night and hide the keys in case he went out to kill himself. He nearly left us, and I'm so glad he didn't.
He was put on quetiapine which stabilised him after a period of rapid cycling between highs and lows. He has never felt the suicidal thoughts since to the same extent. Looking back he doesn't recognize himself and it all seems so far away now. Things are still difficult at times but we got through it, I just hope that you get a diagnosis of something and the correct treatment soon
Please, please don't be frightened to take medication as it literally saves lives. Beware though if they give you anti depressants alone, if it is bipolar you may risk mania, without the inclusion of a mood stabilizer as well.
I really hope you get the help you so badly need and deserve.

Thank you, FoofooLeSnoo, for sharing your husband’s story. It must have been so difficult for you all and I commend you for being there for him. Having the support of your loved ones must be a wonderful thing to have.

I feel so alone, so overwhelmed. I have no one to talk to. I cannot tell my DH how I feel. He does not understand and won’t accept it. He has, in his mind and heart, decided how he wants to see me and will not hear or accept otherwise.
I cannot understand how I keep going, wake up every day, get ready for work, sit in the office and get anything done. I know he does so much more at home, he has been the mum AND dad to our DS his whole life. I wish I could be at home with our son. But I know I would be useless as I have zero confidence as a mum. I ask for reassurance from my DH on everything. I am more like the babysitter than the mum. I am the weekend dad at best.
I have lost out on so much. And when I am home, I am often so angry, so raged. I fear for our son’s future with me. I fear I will be a toxic, horrible mother who will destroy his confidence and his love for himself and others.

No one would ever believe the thoughts I have. When they look at me, they see this young looking person, with a permanent smile on her face. No one knows the turmoil inside me. They even mock me for being ‘a junior’, ‘a people pleaser’, for being so efficient and happy all the time. For running around, for talking fast and animated, for being a joker and a storyteller.

I feel the urge to hurt myself to stop the hurting. I am at work, I am safe, with no ‘weapons’ around me. I just need a release from feeling this way. I need to talk to someone but there is no one here (where I am) for me.

I feel like crying, like I cannot breathe. I feel like picking up my bag and going home and telling my DH its his turn to look after us. Which is not right, as he has been looking after us all this time, just because he doesn't go to work it doesn't mean he is not doing his share and more. I just feel like I cannot pretend anymore. I want to be home, in our bed, holding my baby close to my chest. I want to feel safe and not feel afraid of myself.

Hi, I didn't want to read & run. I'm so sorry you are still feeling this way. Can I suggest you either contact the Samaritans on 116 123 (the call is free) or contact MIND 0300 123 3393. You definitely sound like you have Bi-Polar. Please do go back to your GP. Even if you can't explain, print this off & shown them what you have written here. Please keep us updated

Hi,

I’m back. I’m sorry to ‘update’ you with such trivial information but I don't have anyone else to talk to at the moment.
I went back to my GP and have contacted the psychiatric unit at the local hospital for an appointment. They will call me back and are likely to be able to see me in 3 weeks, the earliest.

I’m at work and I’m trying so hard not to cry. I really screwed up this morning. On the bus on my way to work, I bumped into an old colleague and we talked – which meant that I did not call my DH and DS to let them know I was safely on my way to work. My DH tried to call me but as I was chatting away, I did not answer his call. When I got to work, I called them and told my DH I had met my old colleague. This was of course very tough for him, as he assumes that this person is someone who knew all about my wrong doings. My DH is wrong and I did tell him so, but he refuses to accept this. I acknowledged that I was wrong to ignore his call and not to call them in the first place. I prioritised wrong, as he put it. But this person is not someone who knew about the dark period, in fact he always asks about my DH and DS and is not in any way negative about them at all.

I am so sorry. I screwed up again. I am so sorry to have hurt my DH again. I know it is difficult for him. If only he could listen to me and hear me.
I’m really struggling to concentrate at work. I asked my DH if I should come home. He of course does not want to speak to me.

The temptation is great to just…how much suffering can one person (me) create??
What purpose do I serve anymore? Just to cause more suffering?? It feels so good to be here just to keep others going financially (sarcasm). God, how I regret everything, even talking to the colleague this morning.

And I cannot tell him how much I wish to kill myself, because I don't want it to be seen as a cry for help and he doesn't care anyway.
But really, what is the purpose of my existence right now? I cannot even stay for my son because I am ruined, tainted.

I'm sorry, I will just rant here. Let this be my testament, I am sure my DH will discover this when I am gone and hopefully it will answer some of his questions and will allow him to see if from my perspective.

I'm fighting a cold and people at work want me to go home but I cannot go home as my DH doesn't want me there. Where can I go? I definitely don't feel like shopping or walking around aimlessly (in the rain). There is nowhere I'd rather be than home but I'm not wanted there either.
I cannot believe how bad I am and what a horrible person I am.

Think of it this way - do you want to miss your son's first day at senior school? His first girlfriend/boyfriend? His first sports match/school prize/theatrical performance? His first break up? His first day at his first job? His wedding/first child? So many firsts that he will have to face without his mum. And that's just the fun stuff. There will also be times when he faces heartache and challenge and stress to which you will make such a difference just by being there. Not doing anything special, or saying anything clever, just being. Hugging maybe.

Keep going one step at a time, day by day. Life is not measured in successes and glory; it is measured in working on relationships and fighting to keep going and finding joy in the little and the mundane.

Don't give up, even if you sometimes end up taking a step back ( or three).

If things get really bad, go to a and e. They have a mental health crisis team who can deal with emergency suicidal feelings.

You're doing well! You've been back to the doctor. That's positive. Go home & talk to your DH. I'm sure he was just worried this morning. Could you ring the Samaritans at lunch time for a chat?

Thank you for the suggestions. I think my DH was more likely disgusted at my behaviour this morning, as he strongly believes this old colleague was an 'accomplice' of some sort in my affair. He is refusing to see it otherwise. I wish it was about talking to him but it is pointless as he won't see my point of view. And why would he. I don't want to be part of my son's firsts as the mum and person that I am now. He deserves someone better and let's face it - it's not a difficult task to do better than I have!! Deep down I know I want to keep fighting, try to rebuild what was destroyed, show my DH our past is not defined by the events of those months. I understand he cannot see it now, and perhaps he never will. To me it's obvious that what happened is a result of something going wrong in me. I know I have been ill and I still am. It's sad to realise that my DH doesn't seem to think so. That to him I am pure evil. Maybe I am wrong then.