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Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

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Original poster

Feeling suicidal

33 replies

RedBow · 05/09/2015 21:21

I feel suicidal. The only things stopping me from going through with it are lack of motivation and the fact that I couldn't bare to leave my six year old son to grow up thinking neither of his parents wanted him (his dad has never even met him). He doesn't deserve that, it's not his fault I brought him into the world and he deserves a good life. I know there are people who could give him a better life than I give him though.

Deep down I have been unhappy for longer than I can even remember, some times are more bearable than others, but just now I think about killing myself several times a day - swallowing pills, crashing the car etc.

Not really sure why I'm posting, but I've been feeling low all day and need to get this out somehow.

OP posts:

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 05/09/2015 22:02

Hi RedBow,

We're so sorry you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great, and we know you'll get some good advice here, but it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

Sorry for hijacking your thread RedBow, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

Original poster

RedBow · 05/09/2015 22:11

Thankyou, I'm not sure what I wanted to get from posting here, I'm just trying to make sense of how I feel I think. I have tried calling the Samaritans before, but I can never say out loud how I'm feeling.

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UnbelievableBollocks · 07/09/2015 08:09

If you're not sure what to say to the samaritans, then emailing may help. Your first post here would cover it.

Can you call your GP this morning and get an appointment? If you go and see them, they'll listen to you and take you seriously. You sound depressed, and there are things they can do to help.

Original poster

RedBow · 08/09/2015 17:12

Thanks Bollocks, I have been emailing the Samartians and went to my GP today about something else but I didn't know how to bring it up and ended up saying nothing.

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Wryip11 · 10/09/2015 00:07

How are you today? Have you managed to talk to your gp about how you feel?

TheCokeMachine · 10/09/2015 09:45

If you can't talk to your GP try writing it down. That's what I had to do. I just felt unable to speak, I passed her my note, she read it and initiated the talking.

I have two little ones, they are the reason I'm still here. I've had major depressive episodes and SU has been planned. But I'm still here, miserable sometimes, cranky as hell but still kicking about. And sometimes I have good days, even weeks.

I once asked would my children mind if I was dead, at the time I thought they wouldn't. Now I feel different, not fixed but better.

Fight for your boy, only you can give him the best. The depression is telling you otherwise. I know it doesn't seem like it now but it is true.

Please go back to your GP. I wish you well.

Original poster

RedBow · 10/09/2015 20:57

I'm afraid they'll take him away. What if they decide I can't look after him because I'm so fucked up?

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UnbelievableBollocks · 10/09/2015 21:09

They won't take him away. I've been suicidal a few times when depressed and there was never any thought of my children being removed from my care.

What I did get from speaking to my GP was some ADs to help lift my mood, and when I was really ill, help from the crisis team.

Original poster

RedBow · 10/09/2015 21:23

The rest of my life is a mess. My house, my finances, everything. DS is fed, clothed, his needs are met but I'm not being a good mum. From the outside it looks like im coping but I'm just not. I know what needs to be done to fix things but I can never bring myself to do anything. I just wish I didn't have to deal with life any more but I can't leave my son on his own, his dad has already abandoned him.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, its comforting that someone is "listening".

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AmeliaNeedsHelp · 10/09/2015 21:37

DS is the most important thing. And he's fine. All the other things are side issues. They might seem big, scary or whatever, but DS is what matters.

If you can, please see your GP. Are you sleeping okay? They can give you sleeping tablets if you aren't, so at least you'll be rested and more able to face each day.

Original poster

RedBow · 10/09/2015 21:40

I don't really have a sleeping pattern, I'm tired alot which I think helps, I'm not motivated enough to do anything about how I feel.

DS is ok, but his life isn't normal because of how I am.

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AmeliaNeedsHelp · 10/09/2015 22:05

Normal is overrated, in my opinion. He has a mum who clearly loves him very much and provides for his needs. That is what matters.

See your GP and get some proper sleep. The brain doesn't work properly without regular decent sleep. It won't solve all your problems, but it will help you to start to think more clearly.

Sorry to be bossy, but I think you need a bit of a shove to help yourself and hence your DS. You've posted here, so you have already been motivated to do something about how you feel.

glasshouses88 · 11/09/2015 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCokeMachine · 11/09/2015 19:25

They will not take your child away, I've been IP, a couple of SU attempts and manic episodes (plus the depression). No one has ever said they'd take my children.

Yes, I'm a screw up. But they are clean, fed and loved. Stuff the tidy house,

Original poster

RedBow · 11/09/2015 22:53

Thankyou both, I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling the same way, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I'm so exhausted keeping up this pretence that I'm ok. People often tell me how well I cope being a single parent, holding down a job and studying with no support but sometimes I just want to scream at them that I'm not actually coping at all.

I have been emailing the samaritans back and forth for a few days, that has helped more than I ever thought it would. I don't feel any better but its helping me make sense of my feelings a bit. If you feel like you need to speak to someone, I'd say sending them a message is a good first step.

for everyone taking the time to reply. I can't open up in r/l and your replies are really helping.

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glasshouses88 · 14/09/2015 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RedBow · 15/09/2015 20:20

Hi glass I'm ok thanks. I started college this week and that has kept me busy. I always feel a bit better when I don't have too much thinking/alone time.

I feel a bit like I'm in limbo sometimes... I don't want to continue with life but at the same time I don't want to not be here, mostly for my son's sake. I realise that doesn't make sense though.

How are you feeling?

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Chiggers · 17/09/2015 07:47

Good morning Red. How are you feeling this morning? Are you keeping busy so your mind is distracted from those thoughts IYSWIM?

Original poster

RedBow · 18/09/2015 19:10

Hi Chiggers, I thought I had replied yesterday but it must not have posted. Thanks for posting to see how I am.

Today has been difficult, I have a family thing tomorrow that is supposed to be at my house but I haven't done anything about making the place respectable and now I just feel overwhelmed and worried because I'll have to make excuses for people to go elsewhere.
I visited a friend today and she is so together and organised, I don't know why I can't be the same. I sit and just let everything carry on around me and never act on it even though I know I should be.

Killing myself seems so much more inviting than having to deal with life but I just can't.

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RedMapleLeaf · 19/09/2015 17:07

Can you see these feelings as your body's way of saying, "Oy! You need to go to the doctor"?

How did today go?

Original poster

RedBow · 21/09/2015 06:45

Thanks Maple. I know I need to go to the doctor, this isn't normal but at the same time I don't know how they can help. I wont actually kill myself, I just fantasise about it and always wish something would happen to me so that I didn't have to be here any more.

I lead a pretty good life from an outisder's perspective, have always worked, now I'm at college, have a roof over my head and family nearby, there is no reason for me to feel the way I do. I feel like they'll just tell me to give myself a shake, even the Samaritans havent responded to my last email.

The weekend has been ok, I've had to be happy for the sake of my son and the fact that I'm surrounded by other people who wouldn't understand. I am exhausted now though, I haven't been sleeping at all this week so I think it has caught up with me.

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RedMapleLeaf · 21/09/2015 07:49

I think that judgemental thoughts such as, "I have no good reason to feel like this" are part of the over-thinking that comes as part of depression.

When I first started to struggle with depression it was actually the exhaustion from hiding it that was the main problem (and what actually led to me realising that I wasn't well).

Would you try counselling? Is that something you could ask your doctor about?

Original poster

RedBow · 23/09/2015 15:31

I think that's why I've ended up posting here, I'm exhausted trying to keep it together. Posting on here is helping me make sense of it a little bit, so maybe talking it through with a counsellor would be a good step to take but I always clam up and tell people I'm fine. I was offered counselling after I had DS but after two sessions they stopped seeing me because I made out I was ok and they believed me.

As I said, I have lots of good things in my life, without sounding big headed a few people have said they admire how well I do on my own but they obviously don't see how I feel on the inside, they just see the person I kid on I am.

I have no support from DS' father, who hasn't even met DS. I feel guilty about that too, I know if I do anything to myself I'll be leaving him with no-one, none of this is his fault and he doesn't deserve to grow up with the weight of losing both parents on his shoulders.

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RedMapleLeaf · 23/09/2015 16:22

Being successful (how ever you choose to define it) and struggling (how you choose to define that) are not mutually exclusive. I.e. it's possible to be both I reckon.

Pretending to be fine, being strong are probably ways that helped you to survive (and thrive) in the past. And that's ok. It's also ok to be at a different stage in life when these no longer work and you need to try something else out.

I'm a big advocate of counselling .

Original poster

RedBow · 23/09/2015 18:39

Thankyou, Maple. I think I've been pretending for so long that it has become second nature to me now, to the extent where it doesn't even have an effect on my daily life. I don't struggle at work or with studying because of how I feel. It's almost like flicking a switch, when I'm doing these things, it's almost as if I'm numb to it. I think that was what happened with the counselling before, I was so numb to how I was feeling that I flicked the switch and didn't get emotional, so I was probably very believable when I said I was fine.

Even the way I'm writing here seems more logical and calculated than how I feel.

I appreciate you taking the time to speak to me, truly, I do. I'm not sure where posting here will get me but it is helping at the minute

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