Feeling suicidal

[RedBow]

I feel suicidal. The only things stopping me from going through with it are lack of motivation and the fact that I couldn't bare to leave my six year old son to grow up thinking neither of his parents wanted him (his dad has never even met him). He doesn't deserve that, it's not his fault I brought him into the world and he deserves a good life. I know there are people who could give him a better life than I give him though.

Deep down I have been unhappy for longer than I can even remember, some times are more bearable than others, but just now I think about killing myself several times a day - swallowing pills, crashing the car etc.

Not really sure why I'm posting, but I've been feeling low all day and need to get this out somehow.

You don't need to say thank you and you don't need to worry about why you are posting

I don't think that numbing yourself to your feelings helps, or is even possible, in the long term. It just stores up the problems until they burst out. Counselling can help you release them in a safe, controlled way.

I think that's what has happened really, I've kept going for so long hiding how I feel that I can't cope any more.

Writing on here has helped, if I find the courage to get to the Doctor, hopefully talking it through will change something.

It's interesting that you feel that you need "courage" to see the doctor. What do you mean by that?

Hi redbow how are you feeling today. You really don't need a reason to feel the way you do. I know someone who has the "perfect life" but she is on anti depressants. To some people it might seem that she has no reason to feel the way she does. I would second counselling. I did counselling as part of my career and sometimes I could actually see the relief on the face of someone who had built up the courage to tell me how they truly felt. I wasn't there to judge, I was just there to listen and help. I spoke to people from all walks of life. It might really help you.

Red I have been where you are and still am sometimes.

There is a you tube video called I had a black dog and his name was depression that helped me to understand.

It's useful to show other people if you can't articulate how you are feeling.

The Samaritions probably saved me. I went from hiding everything to calling them every day.

The hardest step is asking for help. depression is a very common illness and there is NO SHAME AT ALL in asking for help.

I spent so long keeping up an outward appearance of a very successful life. And then, I just couldn't anymore.

Please go to your GP, show them this thread. I have also convinced many healthcare professionals that "I'm fine" - I am very convincing.

Didn't help me or them in the long run - only when I was honest (er) could they help. I still hide things, but have told them that I do, so don't get away with it so much.

posting here is great. Little steps. You are very brave for admitting how you feel.

it is exhausting to keep up an emotional lie. It's also exhausting having to admit and deal with it. But it's better, it really is.

Thoughts with you x

Thankyou all, I think the reason I feel I need courage is just because I've never ever let on to anyone howmI feel before. I'm so used to living my lie that I have no idea what to expect once I come out and let someone know. Will I end up just adding the GP and medication to my already huge list of lies? Or do I tell people and then they start treating me differently because of what they know? Not sure what's worse.

I haven't been to the doctor yet, partly because I'm worried and also because I'm exhausted just now and have decided it might be better to go when I have a few days free to rest and digest things, so that's what I've resolved for now.

It's not a lie you're living, it's a condition that you've kept to yourself. No-one has the right to know anything about you unless you tell them.

I have wanted to kill myself before. I can understand to an extent how you feel, but because I'm not you, I can't totally understand because I'm not feeling everything that you are IYSWIM. I managed to get to a very good place without meds, but it took years. I never thought I'd have the patience, but it was sheer determination to get better that saw me through. I do have my lower phases, but I've learned to recognise when I'm going down and know that it will pass eventually. I usually start tidying/ironing/thinking about how I want my house decorated etc. Anything to keep my mind off those thoughts until they pass.....and it will.

Anyway, I really must go to bed before I start talking a load of crap and have other posters wondering "what is that fecking woman talking about"

Good night OP and take care. Hope tomorrow brings you a brighter day

I thought I was having a good day today, but my mum has just had a go at me. I went to pick my son up and she insisted on bringing him here. She hovered at the door and I tried to stall, I don't want her to see what a tip my house is., I'm ashamed and she won't understand I cant help it just now.

She made a horrible snide comment and stormed off. She knows something is wrong, she must, going by what she said. But rather than support me she just has a go.

I had to have blood taken today, the nurse asked about my scars, she is the first person in ten years to have acknowledged them and I just clammed up and said it was a long time ago and that I was ok now. She offered to talk things through but instead of telling her how i feel i just said it was in the past.

The only other person to have acknowledged my scars is my mum, when they were fresh. She responded to them by grounding me and punishing me by taking my things away.

My sister self harmed and mum got her a referral for cahms, doctors appointments, couldnt have done more for her. I dont grudge my sister the help, im glad its enabled her to get better but why didnt i deserve any help? And Im obviously still not deserving of it now.

I feel sick, i dont know how mum will be with me from now on. I feel like running away again.