I think I'm heading for another breakdown

[Ikeatears]

Don't know what I want to say really. Just that. I feel like I'm on the slope again and I'm not sure I have the strength to climb back up again.

Can you tell us a bit more Ikea - know the feeling.

I've been here before...quite a few times and I know the signs. I'm anxious, quick to tears, short tempered and everything just feels hopeless. I find myself fantasising about just running away and not telling anyone where I'm going. I really don't want to go through all this again

Oh I know that feeing of wanting to run away and that somehow we will expire.........and the pain will be gone. I used to fantasise about this a lot, but the fantasies change over time with me.....mental illness is a torment for sure and it keeps coming back I know. Any use having a meds review/change of meds or have you been down that road too many times.
Any RL support?

I'm not on any meds at the moment but I had some in and I've started myself back on them until I can get a gp appointment. I'm just so tired of it all...

Dh is wonderful. I'm just frightened of pushing him away, he's been down this road before with me and I wonder how many more times he can take it

Hi Ikea - sounds as if you need to call your GP as soon as they open on Monday. You have this evening and Sunday to get through until then. What has worked for you in the past - are you able to distract yourself with a good film or book, or a telephone call to someone who understands and whom you trust? What are your plans for tomorrow and are you able (emotionally not physically) to arrange to meet someone and have, say, a country walk so that you can get away from electronic gadgets/domestic noise?

Would talking on here help?

Ah, cross posted. Your DH will be supportive because he loves you. He's seen you down before so he also knows that this is part of the cycle, which includes your recovery process. I'm glad to hear that you have someone close who is wonderful.

Wish I could say something to help, so want to send you a hug, and possibly cake.

Thank you for your replies. I'll get an appointment as soon as I can. I have 3 dc so lots to distract me. Mornings are always worse. I just hope I can get out of bed. It all becomes such a struggle. I just want to hide away from everyone and everything

With three DCs you definitely have enough to distract you! Hopefully they can entertain each other and are (or at least the oldest is) old enough to understand that their mother isn't feeling well. My DD had to appreciate this early on, because there were just the two of us and I used to feel very guilty (that it all fell to her - we were overseas as well, so no family) but in fact it's probably made her into the deeply caring teenager she is now. Concentrate on getting through an hour at a time, try to relax and (if you can) don't anticipate the worst. Good luck.

Oh Ikea depression and 3 children - dear god - I feel so much for you young moms struggling so hard. Sorry assuming you have depression especially as you say mornings are always the worst - same here - but I am an OAP and can stay under the duvet. It's perfectly natural to want to hide away from everything and everyone (that's what animals do when they are in pain) and it pisses me off that CPNs tell us we shouldn't isolate ourselves.........problem SO much worse when you have t get up to look after children/school runs etc.

SO glad your DH is wonderful and he'll go on being wonderful because he knows it's an illness and not of your making. The thing is with depression though is it's deceitful because it makes us feel guilty (ashamed even) whereas we don't feel that with physical illness.

Yes do get to the GP asap and get meds. Have they helped in the past? My diagnosis is recurring depressive disorder with recurring being the operative word as far as I'm concerned. It's shit isn't it.

Thanks nana and lobster. I took 15mg of Mirtazapine last night as I have lots left over from the last time I decided I was fine and stopped taking them. I hate the first two days - I am just starting to feel human again after waking up dizzy, sick, aching and generally poorly. I always feel like this until it's in my system :-(

Ikea I honestly think it's a mistake to stop taking meds because you feel fine.....did you gradually decrease or just stop - either way, I always wonder why people stop taking meds when they're feeling fine because it's probably because they're taking the meds they're keeping mentally well.

I did the most stupid thing I've ever done - was on meds for 15 years (following severe depressive episode) IP for 3 months - made complete recovery and remained on the meds for 15 years - no problem - held down responsible job. Finally decided to come off them - very gradually with the oversight of a psychologist - took 10 months and I was off them. Four months later I relapsed - big time - IP again for 3 months but this time have not made a good recovery (5 years later...) getting worse every year, currently agreed to have ECT even though am scared stiff. Am only getting about 10 good days a month.

SO Ikea (and anyone else) please don't stop taking the meds - ok it might not protect you from another episode but on the other hand it might well. Seems like mirtazapine works for you Ikea so you need a trip to the GP for a new prescription. Glad you're feeling a bit better, and they do usually ensure a good night's sleep.

I know, I make the same mistake every time :-(
I'm not even sure I want to take the second one tonight - I can't face another day of feeling ill. I'd almost rather let the black cloud take hold and just stay in bed. I know I can't. I'm back at work Tuesday and I can't take time off.

Changed my mind on the ads. I can't handle them. I'm having wine which I know is a bad idea but I can't feel any worse than I already do. At least I'll stop thinking for a little while

Hi Ikea - you're a grown up and you're entitled to do whatever you think will help but please be careful with the wine - I've never taken any meds but had years of self medicating with wine and it can control you very quickly and easily. So I really understand where you are coming from with the "stop thinking for a while" comment, and maybe I'm an utter hypocrite to say this, but once the effects wear off, the issues will still be there. Have a little to feel relaxed and hopefully feel a bit better tomorrow. Do you have much planning to do for Tuesday? Can you write a rough outline for tomorrow? Hope that your wonderful DH is around. Sending you hugs.

Thanks lobster. I do know you're right but I really just want to drink then sleep. I don't have to plan anything for Tuesday. It's just a meeting. My job, which I hate, doesn't involve planning as such. I changed jobs a year ago and I really hate it. I've been looking for other things but nothing is coming up and I can't afford to quit. I was so stupid to change. I've been so stupid about a lot if things in recent years. I just don't see a way out of any of it

That's because you're wading through treacle at the moment and everything will feel cloudy. I would bet my life that you are not stupid about many things, and we all make decisions that with hindsight we wish we hadn't. That's called being human ..... all you need at the moment is some sleep and to go easy on yourself. Even posting on here is a step in the right direction because it's interaction with other people who understand where you are. I have written lists in the past (because I am a list person) which have included "have bath" because that has seemed a monumental task. Now, that seems mad but then, it was completely rational. I've not signed onto emails for days, because I was afraid of what they might say. I've not opened any post.

You WILL find a way out of this. Maybe not tomorrow, but you will. And in the meantime, you must be gentle with yourself and think of getting through the hours and small but significant successes.

Sleep well.

Thank you for replying. It's over 3 years since I last had a serious setback and this site was a lifeline. I have almost finished a bottle of Prosecco. Dh is sat at the side of me and has asked a couple of times if I want to talk about it but I can't seem to find the words. I am a failure. I fail all the time. I'm ok at my job but I failed cos I never should have taken it. I fail with the kids because I'm short-tempered and don't have enough patience. I'm a failure as a wife because I hate sex but I love and fancy my dh but just can't do it. I'm not asking for anyone to say I'm not a failure, I promise you I'm not fishing. I'm just stating facts. I am numb. I am sad. I am pathetic.

I didn't think that you were fishing. But the fact that you can articulate how you feel and that you want to communicate with people is very positive. It's often easier to express your feelings to random strangers on the internet than to people you're close to. I can't (obviously) comment on your job but it seems clear that you're very far from being a failure - although I don't expect you to believe me at the moment. You're not coming across as pathetic, either - sad, yes, I can understand that.

If I were you, I would finish the bottle, pour yourself a large glass of water and take it to bed with you and hopefully feel relaxed enough to sleep. We'll be here tomorrow (Bank Holiday ...) and we can list your many successes including DH and three children (which to many are four successes right there). Oh and we're all short-tempered - patience is vastly over-rated in my view.

Thanks you. It helps to get a reply. The bottle was finished. Now on red wine for the first time in ten years. Shit. I'll have a headache tomorrow. I always promised my babies I'd love and protect them and be a good mum. I always let them down. I'm no better than my own 'parents' I'm a self-indulgent, wallowing mess.

Oh Ikea please don't "self medicate" with alcohol - I know it numbs the pain for a while but as I'm sure you know it's a depressant and so will ultimately make you feel worse. Why red wine when you haven't touched it for 10 years? Sorry to sound critical but you really need to get back on the ADs - maybe a different one from mirtazapine, though it has been ok for you in the past after the side effects have worn off hasn't it?

Please make an appointment on Tuesday to see the GP.

Hope by now you are sleeping and hope you drank a large glass of water first, helps with the hangover! I love your posts Lobster and I'm sure Ikea does too. MN has passed away many a dark hour for me and reaching out to others sort of helps me even when I'm mega crap.

I'm still here. Red wine because there was no other alcohol in. 10 years because it gives me migraine. I can't face doctors or ads or anything. I'm sure I'll be fine. I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other as always. I'll go black and dh will either forgive me or he won't. I'll just deal with it. I won't ever be happy. I'll just exist. As always. I'll think I'm happy sometimes but it won't be real. Nothing is. Does that make sense? I don't know. Thank you for your replies, tomorrow I'll read them properly and maybe make more sense. I hate who I am and I hate the way I feel and the way I make everyone around me feel. Life is so unfair. I am so pathetic. Tomorrow I'll make more sense.

Think you need to sleep Ikea as you must be a fair bit tipsy by now and you're gonna have a very sore head tomorrow, so please drink a large glass of water NOW and go to bed. zzzzzzzzz Talk again tomorrow.

I'm sorry you're right I've stopped and I'm in bed with dh snoring F the side oh me. I'm sorry. Thank you.