I think I'm heading for another breakdown

[Ikeatears]

Don't know what I want to say really. Just that. I feel like I'm on the slope again and I'm not sure I have the strength to climb back up again.

Good morning Ikea - first of all, you have nothing to be sorry for. If you had a broken leg that needed healing, you (I hope) wouldn't apologise for it. You have not chosen any of this and it isn't your fault. We can always try (and unlike Yoda, I believe that there is a "try") to change the way that we react though - have you ever read "An autobiography in Five Chapters" by Portia Nelson? I related strongly to it when I first read it, years ago.

I hope that you don't feel too rough this morning. It's a new day - a very wet one if you live in the South - as I do - and first thing tomorrow I hope that you're going to call your doctor and (possibly) ask for advice regarding the meds that you're taking and whether a change is required.

And thank you Nana for liking my posts! I think that MH is a bit like AA or Weight Watchers - you have to have gone through it yourself to have any understanding of what other people are feeling.

Morning. Still in bed. No hangover, just want to sleep. Dh took the children out. He'll expect me to be up when he gets back and I'm anxious just at the thought of it. I feel like I just want to sob but nothing will come out. It's like I'm numb and dull and washed out.

Hi, Ikea - OK, so we have established (I hope) that this is the last day to get through before getting some serious advice from your GP, who hopefully knows your history.

Can you do the bare minimum to "get up" before your DH is back? I hate to say it but, even though it won't feel like it while you're in the process of making the necessary preparations, you will feel better having done it, and it will be a tick box of an achievement for the day. And you don't necessarily need to tick any other boxes. Just clean your teeth and throw on something clean and you WILL feel a little better. Tell yourself that. And tell yourself that's all you have to accomplish today.

I'm meeting a friend in about 15 minutes but I'll be back later on this afternoon so please post an update if you can. I'm thinking of you and trying to send positive energy your way. I promise you that I have been exactly where you are (without the DH and with only one DC!) and thought that everything was lost and hopeless. It is not - really, truly not.

Speak later.

Thanks Lobster. I'm up, I've been to see my mum and sort her meds/money (she has dementia) and now I'm back home. I hadn't managed to get up when dh got back and he looked so sad and stressed :-( He's gone into work now for a few hours.
I just have to pull myself together and carry on. I can't take meds because it takes days for me to be able to function and I don't have that luxury - I'm back at work tomorrow.
I just have to keep going, I'm sure it'll pass eventually - it has before.

Ikea, it does sound as if you have quite a lot on your plate. You have a fair number of balls to juggle and it's not really surprising that you sometimes struggle keeping them all in the air.

I don't blame you regarding meds. I can't take them myself as I have horrible reactions to any type of medication - even paracetamol can make me feel peculiar - but I know that they can be an enormous help to many people.

DH only looks sad because he loves you and it's always difficult seeing someone that you love in pain and not being able to do anything about it. Concentrate on getting better yourself and everything will fall into place. I do appreciate how much you have to do, but you'll be no good at looking after everybody else if you do not put yourself first and take care of you as a priority. Sorry that that's cliched (with an acute on the "e") but it's true.

Yes, this too shall pass as they say, but that doesn't make the process a bundle of joy when you have to live through it. I really feel for you.

Wide awake and need to be up for work at 6. Had a long messenger chat with a friends tonight. Was very honest with her and actually sent her old posts that I wrote on here about 4 years ago. Just so I didn't have to repeat myself but I could try to explain. I feel like I'm sinking fast. All the old symptoms, the anxiety, the sadness, the night time insomnia, the day time lethargy, they're all slowly creeping back in. I'm definitely on my way down again but I don't think I can climb back up this time. Not when I know how hard it will be and it will just come back anyway. I fantasise about driving the car into a wall or taking all my medication with a large bottle of vodka or even going someone remote with the car and the hose pipe. I won't do any of these things but I think about them. It doesn't make me feel scared now when I think about dying. It makes me think it would just end the torment which feels good. Does that make sense?
I'm not going to harm myself, I couldn't do that to dh or the dc but I do want to curl up and die quietly.

I'm hoping that you're asleep by now - i don't often suffer with insomnia but happened to wake up at 3.45am and decided to check emails and then came on here.

Yes, it does make sense. It is completely "normal" (this is a relative term of course) to fantasise in some detail about the ways in which one might be tempted to end one's life, while recognising the unlikelihood that you would actually go through with it. I have done the same thing in the past and always at my very lowest points. I see it as a way of exerting some control over what can seem an untenable and unbearable situation - the notion that there are alternatives, that you accept that they are there and want to explore them on a conscious level even while the (still rational) part of your mind rejects them. I have friends who have said similar things. I also knew, in particular, one person close to me who did take that route and the fall-out suffered by his two young daughters made me realise that, however bad life is, to inflict that on someone you care about would be the ultimate rejection for them. I don't think I needed to say that though ......

It's really difficult to advise (as well as dangerous as I do not know you). I know what helps me but these issues are individual. I still think it's positive that you post on here, that you are honest, that you have friends close enough that you can confide in. Having structure in my life definitely helps me - hoping that the rest of today (since it's 4.10am now and you'll be up in a couple of hours) goes OK and is a distraction of sorts. Post when you can ..... and thinking of you.

Ikea and Lobster just seen your posts. Can only endorse every single word Lobster says Ikea - I do exactly the same on very bad days and it is a way of exerting some control over what seems a hopeless situation. It's called suicide ideation and is very common in moderate/severe depression. I have my "chosen" method tucked away in my back pocket but somehow know I'll never do it - it's the thought of leaving so much pain behind for my family.

Hope you're ok Ikea though can't imagine how you are going to work when you're feeling so bad. What sort of work do you do.

Feeling totally crap today and already had 2 long crying bouts and am on my own as DH is not here this week. My CPN and psychiatrist pressing me to have ECT and am agonising about it - scared of memory loss. Scared of telling my CPN I'm having a wobble about it - scared of everything. SHIT I used to be a competent, confident woman who held down a very responsible job and now I'm an emotional wreck.

Thank you so much both of you for your replies. Nana, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad - it's even harder for me when dh is away with work so I would imagine this isn't helping you either. Do you have to make a decision with a time scale? I would be honest with you CPN about your wobble - surely that's what they're there for? To help you to come up with the best treatment plan? I understand the feeling of being scared of everything though, I really do.
Well, I got up and went into work - it wasn't too bad actually, a whole staff meeting then time in our departments. I work in a school, I've only been there a year after working with young adults as a self employed literacy/numeracy teacher for quite a few years. I loved it but for various reasons decided on a change. I took on a lot less responsibility overall, but day to day I am responsible for whole classes of children and I am paid a lot less but I get school holidays off. It's not the job for me but I feel a bit stuck at the moment.
I'm relieved to hear that you feel it's not unusual to have the suicidal thoughts, whilst knowing you wouldn't act on them. This is one thing I have been too scared to admit to anyone in real life, I feel like dh and my friends but would put me on some sort of suicide watch!
It was a short day today (inset) so I am home and back in bed - not so much for hiding away but more because I'm genuinely tired after only 3 hours sleep. I've asked dh to wake me in a while.
I feel quite together at the moment but I am so up and down these last 2 weeks that I don't know whether it will last.

Hi Ikea and Nana - first of all, well done to Ikea for getting though the day. It's irrelevant how long it was - you went there and you did it. The fact that you even admitted the other day that you are "OK" at your job says to me, in the state of mind that you are, that you are probably rather excellent. I find a routine of going to work, coming home, making supper, reading, bedtime etc. very helpful in terms of actually having to do these things. It's a kind of "put a face on for the world" approach - and even if you come home and go to bed and feel shattered, you've still achieved a great deal.

Likewise I'm really sorry that you are having such a tough time, Nana. In your DH's absence do you have friends in RL whom you can confide in? I know very little about ECT but my gut reaction is that if you are not a lot more sure about it than you sound, delay anything as drastic as that until you feel calmer. And that confident, competent woman still exists! She hasn't deserted you - she's just having to deal with some issues at the moment and she'll resurface again when she's ready. But bear in mind that she'll be back.

I'm feeling quite spoilt - I am self employed at present and decided to take the summer off (five weeks - only a week less than my maternity leave!) but I am actively looking for work now.

Hope you both have an OK evening ....

Lobster, I loved my self employed days (except for tax returns and invoice chasing!) Hopefully, at some point, I'll get back to them.
Well, I decided, while I'm feeling relatively together, that I would take the bull by the horns and phone for a doctor's appointment. As is usually the case, I fully expected at least a week or two wait to see the doctor I wanted but he's actually got a free appointment tonight! At least it doesn't give me time to think about it.
I don't know what I'm expecting because I've been down this route before but I feel like it's at least pro active. I have too much to lose to let it all slip away without at least trying.

Ikea, I'm an accountant so the tax return is OK ..... and I tend to work for companies at a daily or hourly rate so I've only ever had to produce one invoice. It has been more hassle than I realised though (forming a company, the insurance etc) so if I do stay as I am, I might go the umbrella company route.

That's excellent that you were able to get an appointment! Strike while the iron is hot, as they say. And yes, it is definitely proactive - you've done your day's work, you are seeking help (on here, in RL with your friend and with the doctor) and you actually sound more positive. OK, you may still feel low and that it's all a grind but you are absolutely going to get through this.

Let us know how the appointment goes. Good luck.

Just waiting to go in now. My heart is pounding out of my body! I hate all this If only there were a quick fix eh?

How did it go, Ikea? Helpful to talk to someone who's a professional? And yes, regarding quick fixes! Having said that, I couldn't take the slightly (a little more than that, perhaps ...) off-key element of me away and still feel like "me". I read once that Stephen Fry, diagnosed with bipolar, doesn't take medication as he feels that it stifles his natural brain function (which is obviously very high). I can't claim that level of intellect but I understand where he's coming from. I was on another thread that spoke of this too.

Feels like such a waste of time as usual. I was only in 5 minutes, he have me fluoxetine and told me to come back in a month. I had to ask about counselling and he said he can refer me if I want and see what they say. I know they'll only offer CBT and it really isn't for me. Have it a go last time and it doesn't help me with everything underlying. Just feels a bit shit. I did agree to a referral though

It wasn't a waste of time. Even if you feel as if you're going through the motions, sometimes that's what you have to do to gradually get back to a more even keel.

I've never really tried counselling because I know that they'll want to delve too much into my childhood. It was tough, but in a stiff upper lip, middle class, emotionless "tough" way, which always seems a bit of a cop-out compared with people who were physically abused. Plus, I feel incredibly guilty that my (admittedly emotionally absent) parents could be "blamed" for anything and thirdly, I know only too well all the mistakes that I have made with DD and that she could list off plenty - and it's not as if there was a DH to look after her when I was off the rails.

So, for whatever reason, I understand where you're coming from. I have also been "referred" and found that, after a psychiatric assessment, I didn't qualify for any treatment. I asked what I would have to do to "qualify" (more out of interest than anything else) and was told that I'd basically need to turn up, noose in hand, and that even then there would be a year's waiting list. This is all due to the lack of funding for MH issues in the NHS.

I ended up realising that the person most able to help me is myself. I gain more from speaking to my best friend (admittedly a psychiatric nurse but I have known her for 35 years) than to any healthcare professional.

And you, Nana? How are you this evening?

Yep, this is a direct quote from a text I sent to my friend earlier:
It'll be CBT. They won't offer anything else, it's too expensive when I'm not slicing my arms or feeling suicidal

Well, there is another option but one that I would definitely not advise .... I was sectioned some years ago (basically for what we have spoken about above) - it sounds very naive now but I thought that I was just expressing the need for control rather than saying "I'm intending to end my life". Anyway, the upshot was that I ended up in a psychiatric unit - I can assure you that if you were not insane (which I think is a legal not a medical term so I am using it incorrectly) prior to being admitted, you would be soon afterwards. Patients are drugged such that they wander around in a zombie-like state or, more often, sit in a dazed manner in a large lounge-like communal area while Jerry Springer plays relentlessly. My idea of sheer hell - drugs and daytime television. I managed not to take any of the drugs and hid them under my tongue after the first dose. Worse, bedroom doors have to be left open and patients are checked every 15 minutes - but other patients can wander in and out of rooms, especially at night.

Luckily I saw a psychiatrist on my second day, apologised profusely for wasting NHS resources, showed him a recovery plan that I'd written and explained that I thought I was having a philosophical discussion rather than actively intending to harm myself (pretentious but true) and I was immediately released.

Has it followed you around? The fact that you admitted to a psychiatric unit? I am terrified of becoming so low (as I probably was last time) and being referred to the mental health team as opposed to the counselling team. I am terrified of being assigned a CPN, of the impact that may have on my children, of social services becoming involved, of it affecting my career (not that I particularly have one at the moment) just, I don't know, of it following me forever. Actually, I think I'm almost scared of the depression filling me forever.

*Almost more scared of the depression following me forever.

No, absolutely not at all - in answer to your "has it followed you around?" In some ways it's a kind of darkly humorous family joke - I have a pretty good relationship with my brother and sister (my parents wouldn't dream of mentioning it, of course - my mother believes that all MH issues are self indulgent in the extreme). To be honest, I have never defined myself in clinically depressed terms - it's my odd relapse with alcohol that sends me into a decline - although 99 days out of 100 I have no desire for alcohol, so don't define myself as an alcoholic either. Not, of course, that we all can or should fit neatly into pre-ordained boxes that they are probably taught in college ......

That's why I think that we are all incredibly different and that what works for one person may not work for another.

But no - never social services (and it was always known that I was a 100% single parent in every way), or career effects. I think that, as we said above, they are so stretched with resources that they are frankly relieved if someone seems to be pulling it together and they can "close the file" or whatever terminology they use.

Ikea and Lobster hello! I don't know how long ago you were sectioned and an inpatient Lobster but I suspect it might have been a long time ago. I have been an inpatient twice, both times for 3 months, once in 1995 and once in 2010. Maybe I was more fortunate because the psych "wards" were purpose built bungalows, with a communal area, TV room, quiet room, and everyone had their own bedroom. There was also a small garden outside and sitting out area. People weren't generally zombie like - in fact they all seemed to be far better than me! We had Occupational therapy and relaxation classes and patients were not allowed into each other's bedrooms unless invited, and doors could be kept closed. There were staff on at night to ensure that no one was wondering around. The main problem was the boredom, as time went very slowly - oh and the food was pretty grim but visitors could bring in food and we could keep things in the fridge in the kitchen, and make coffee and toast etc whenever we wanted to. Having said that I don't want to go back in (psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to the last time I saw her) because I prefer to be at home as have DP to support me. I think if I lived alone I would be more willing to go in, and certainly wouldn't be afraid.

IKea please don't worry about social services. I had a career in Children's Services as a social worker and manager, spanning some 30 years (retired in 2009) just prior to relapse of depression. I can assure you that there will be absolutely no problem about your children if you are referred to the CMHT. As Lobster says they are overwhelmed with statutory work (abused/neglected children) and in any event before a child can be removed social workers have to give evidence to the court that a child is suffering from significant harm. So please put that out of your head. As for worrying about a CPN - I think it unlikely you will get one as MN services are stretched to capacity too, but mine is lovely and has become like a friend and is very supportive. Why do you think a CPN would have an adverse effect on your children - they are only there to support you and link you into a psychiatrist if necessary.

I know what you mean about being scared the depression will never go away but my CPN tells me that is a symptom of depression, that it convinces us we will never get better, so maybe put that one to bed too! You will get better but it's going to take time, and you need meds and support and you have a supportive DH which is all to the good.

Anyway I'm feeling human again after a pretty awful day, and got myself into a state of high anxiety about this ECT business this morning. I have an appointment tomorrow morning with the psychiatrist (who is lovely but she' sadly leaving) to give consent for ECT. Scared of side effects but also scared of the nose dive my depression has taken.

Hi. Can't face posting much tonight. Not feeling great. Hopefully feel like it tomorrow and will update tomorrow. Thank you both for your replies

Hi Nana and Ikea, hope that you've both had a good day or, if not good, bearable and now it's the evening so only one day to the weekend. I've been working fairly hard and also have an interview tomorrow and need to do some "homework" for that tonight - DD is off for an 18th birthday meal - the first of many I imagine - and it's rather lovely having the place to myself. She is fantastic company, do not get me wrong, but I don't have much time to myself (I suppose most people don't) and our relationship is a bit intense really - two very similar people who are the only ones in the house.

Nana, I was sectioned in 2006 I think - it was definitely between 2005 and 2007. Your experiences sound very different from mine! To be perfectly honest I think that it served me right in many ways but that my sectioning was more to do with me being a drama queen than that I was about to do myself any serious harm. As I have said before, I do not react at all well to any "drug" (I had a horrid reaction after a week on the Pill, aged 25, for example, and have never tried it again). I'm really glad to hear of your experiences. I was also really happy to read your last post, which sounded much freer-flowing and expansive than some of your previous ones (which doesn't mean that I haven't liked reading all of them .... argh, too many negatives in there but hope you understand the sentiment). You do sound positive and I wish you all the best for tomorrow morning - I know nothing about ECT but if you feel it's worth a try and your psychiatrist thinks so too - it may be a brilliant thing for you. I did see that you had a thread going about it and, although I only read a couple of responses, they seemed reassuring (to an outsider, at least) - hope that they helped.

Ikea, thank you for posting because I often wonder during the day how you are doing. Just a line can keep you in touch and please, never apologise. I often isolate from the world if I don't feel up to communication and people understand. I hope that today has been better for you and, in case it hasn't, sending peace and strength for a better day tomorrow.

I have been following the thread but not posting, I ended up going to the DR on Tuesday too and have also been put on fluoxetine again.(maybe we should start a little club)
I am so glad I'm not the only one who has thoughts and plans about dying but no proper intention of doing anything about them. Last time I made the mistake of admitting them to a Dr they would only give me a few days worth of pills at a time and working 12 hour shifts made it hard to get to the pharmacy all the time.
I have lost count of how many times I have done my 6 month stint on these pills, I seem to manage without them for a year or so then need them again.

Ikea I didn't think your comment about depression filling you forever was a misprint, I sometimes feel like I will never escape it and I think my husband has accepted that I get to a stage where he has to tell me to go and get help as I don't realize how bad I am.