nearly did something stupid today...

[Loveisashadow]

I am 27 years old. I am a single mum. In the past year, I have started hearing voices, seeing things, have developed depression and anxiety, the symptoms of ptsd and have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Then dd' s Dad,my ex, died in a fire 6 months ago.
I am very depressed.
I see a cpn and take medication. I am better than I used to be, but still can't even get the housework done.
I have nightmares. I feel constantly guilty. I have fantasies of ending it all, and find it hard not to act on them. It was particularly hard today. I am on the waiting list for psychology. I am so very, very tired.
I need to know if it gets better . I've been ill for a year and I feel like I can't cope anymore.

I just went to see my friend who was so worried about me that she collected some things for dd and went to pick her up from school, leaving me to rest/sleep. I was saying things like I wanted to leave dd at school (because I was so tired and just exhausted) and not pick her up. I am absolutely shattered and very, very ill. Hot with anxiety and spaced out, just not caring about anything anymore and totally removed from my own body. My friend was worried I wouldn't be safe on my own, but I'm in no fit state to do anything anyway. Feeling like an absolute failure as a Mother right now, and hot and sick.

Thank you. I think it's because it's the first one, though I'm not doing too badly at all today, really. Just feel really tearful. Have managed to get up, get ready and go out shopping for a few essentials and a present for my dd's friends' party. Now at home sorting through bills and doing housework. My friend is taking dd to her party and having her overnight tonight so I can get some rest.

That sounds like a really productive day so I hope you are going to do something in the way of rewarding yourself (my vote would be a soak in the tub when dd is in bed). Positive reinforcement (even from yourself) can really help when it comes to mental health issues.

Thank you. Dd isn't here tonight, so I might use the peace and quiet to do my (dark purple) hair again as my blonde is showing through. I'm very anxious and tearful, but not as bad as I was yesterday. I was very embarrassed by how I'd been yesterday...But my friend said not to be embarrassed about being ill.

Popcorn and a film sounds good. I think if I was going to go off the rails a bit, then this sort of time was going to be about right. I managed to stay on them, just about though....I watched some TV on my laptop earlier and was able to follow it..always a good sign that I'm doing Ok. I watched the being bipolar thing. I haven't got this condition, but it was interesting to watch as I could identify eith it...especially the depression side.

This was the first birthday since he died. He died last September, so no time at all really, to process anything. It was also really traumatic circumstances, and I think that's making a difference to my response. I'm still feeling really very low, and overwhelmed by everyday things now I seem to be connecting with reality a bit more. Dd is with my friend until after tea today, so I'm getting up in a bit, going the shops and have some housework (including lots of ironing) that needs doing . Then tommorow I'm going to see my Dad for lunch, i think.

We had been split up for a long time when he died, which makes it all that stranger I should be so effected. We were arguing over access to dd as I said he was dangerous/ hard to trust around dd (rightly so, he died in accidential fire caused by a lit cigarette). We had been split up for 5 years at the time he died, which I know sounds very strange. He was older (much much older) than me, and it was quite an abusive relationship. He was a drinker too, so my heart and head are in total conflict.

I think there are a lot of " what ifs" and lots of regrets there. We argued the last time we talked (about dd and access). He'd just been declined access on the grounds of his drinking. The lady time we spoke, I told him he wasn't fit to be a Father. I'll always regret that, because it was said in anger and frustration during a court battle. I said it because he questioned my (admittedly fragile) mental health. I was cross with him for all that he had put me and DD through over the years (violence, drinking, not playing his part in her life) and it spilled over between us in court. It shouldn't have as it was very childish of us both when dd was the one that mattered. No one in rl knows we had this argument, on the phone, a few days before he died. It eats me up inside that was the last thing that happened between us, and he died hating me for it and keeping dd away from him (but safe at least). I feel very out of touch with reality tonight, I'm hoping it's just stuff from the birthday, rather than anything sinister. Am starting to panic a bit as I can't endure another episode of psychosis like my last one.

Hello Love,
So sorry you are going through a bad time. Grief is an awful thing. You are doing really well though.
I also have a few suggestions.

• There are some Bereavement phone lines available where you can have a chat to someone - you can find them on the internet.
• There are mental health lines you can call. I think a PP mentioned MIND.
• The Samaritans are good - call them several times a day if you need to as you will probably get a different volunteer each time..
• Could you stay with someone for a few days? Perhaps your (lovely) friend or your dad?
• where I am low cost / free councelling is available at a local charity - your doctor may know of one too
• Your doctor or the NHS 111 number could let you know how to access the CRISES team in your area (esp if you are worried about psychosis)
• Even if you aren't religious your local vicar would also come and chat to you. They are excellent at councelling and support.

I think talking and rest would aid you a lot atm. also having someone in the house with you (or you in theirs) would also take some of the pressure off. There is nothing wrong with getting some support for these few days near the birthday and you will probably feel better once it's past.
sending you good vibes. Try to eat well and rest up x

Hi, thank you for that. The birthday was yesterday, but I am still feeling out of sorts. I am seeing my psychiatrist on Tuesday, where I will be able to discuss these things a bit more, hopefully. I did say to the nurse I felt a bit out of it when I saw her last week. It could be straightforward dissociative stuff that's taking a while to get better, but I'm not sure. It seems to be a little better than it was on Thursday and Friday, but still very fragile. I can never when to panic if that makes sense.

Ah good for you seeing your psychiatrist on Tuesday! - that's not far away :-)
I agree with you about the dissociative stuff - it does sound a bit like it doesn't it? I think it's your brains way of protecting you by zoning out a little and making things a touch on the spacey side. I am so glad you are starting to feel a bit better - that's great :-) I think your friend sounds really amazing btw. Off to bed in a sec but really hope you get a good sleep :-)

Thanks both. I had a bit of a meltdown this morning- think my depression is running riot a bit. I was crying because I was overwhelmed by housework and coping with my DD, plus covering this month's direct debits (I can't work right now). Solved the direct debits issue by getting my Dad to transfer some cash to my good self (!). He was a bit annoyed, but knows that I'm really struggling right now. I was scared this morning. It was almost unstoppable crying thinking I'd have to give dd up for foster care because I couldn't cope and all sorts of stuff. I just kept thinking that depression was a slow form of torture. I keep getting electric shocks in my head too, I think it might be something hormonal and something to do with my depression.
My friend is amazing Leelou she has really helped out a lot. I was thinking of going to a meditation class on Wednesday Orange, there is one within walking distance of dd's school at 1pm-2pm, so I could still pick her up at 3. I've not tried it before, but have heard it's useful. I'm feeling totally wiped out and still have a ton of hoovering and ironing (still!) to do. Oddly, the crying has helped a bit in bringing me back to reality, but it has made me very, very tired.

I am claiming the right benefits, yes. I just got into a huge mess and it is taking a long time to sort out now. I've managed to do most of the hovering (I have cats) and ironing is at a reasonable level. All put away too. I've been crying on and off since this morning :/

But ironing? Why, lovely? Maybe when you are feeling in a better place, it could be something you do but otherwise, really really don't worry about it, unless the feeling of satisfaction you get from doing it outweighs the feeling you get when it isn't done?
Are you on any kind of medication or coming off any that could be responsible for the electric shock feeling?

Sorry I haven't replied until now. I did type a reply, but it seems to have disappeared. I feel better when I do housework, though at the minute, no matter how much I do, it's always a state. I just can't keep up. I'm on duolextine and risperdone, I think one could 've responsible for how I feel. I've been to meet up friend today, but now very, very tired and in pain. I have fibromyalgia, which means any walking or exercise I do makes things worse.