I am terrified, it all keeps getting worse. Therapist won't let me come back.

[Amireallyaperson]

I've posted here a lot in past few days. I am sinking. I had a very intense and close supportive relationship with a therapist, and we finished a few weeks ago. My decision because it was rocky and inconsistent.

Last night my child sex abuse memories would not let up and I had to cancel a week at a conference I just couldn't go. I got in touch with old therapist begging to come back and she kept saying no. I have no dignity left, I can't make myself care about that though I just need somebody to love me and she mustn't do anymore. I don't know what to do. I got an emergency prescription for valium off my doctor and I have taken three tablets which is a high dose and still panicking and going out of my mind with intense pain.

I am not suicidal but I can't bear living. The thought of the morning coming again and the same feelings every minute. I just don't know what to do. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me and I can't bear it anymore I am so lonely. What the fuck can I do?

I have dreams and goals and I depereatly want to do them but I cannot focus on anything because I am so panicky at being totally alone and having nobody to rely on. There's no point going to a and e because I am not going to hurt myself, I don't want to, but if this feeling stays for many more days I am going to be desperate and start to feel suicidal. I can't believe i am back here, I was doing so well, but I can't live without any love.

I think it sounds like getting a new therapist is a good idea. You won't get love from a therapist because they are paid to support you not love you.

My counsellor helped me love myself and it sounds to me like that is what you need.

Good luck with finding some peace.

But she did love me though. She said, many times. She said we could have a lifelong relationship.

I do love myself in a way - I try to treat myself gently, try not to beat myself up, look after myself as well as I can even though sometimes I fuck it up and don't eat healthily etc - but it's like existing in a vacuum. What's the point of loving myself when nobody else can?

You're confusing love with caring for someone else's well-being. You need to learn the difference. Your therapist probably made you feel very safe and that would have also led to feelings of "love" on your part.

Your therapist quite rightly has said no to any more sessions because she probably feels that things have crossed over into you being over-reliant on her for your emotional needs, whereas you need to learn to be self-reliant.

A fresh start with a new therapist would be a good idea. You need to find someone on your wavelength who can help you learn to feel more emotionally secure in yourself.

I'm sorry your therapist said that, as she shouldn't have and it seems like she realised that too late and let you down badly.

You can be loved, there's nothing to say that isn't the case. I can tell that you feel that because you don't have anyone right now, you feel that it will never be the case. That isn't true though, it really isn't.

Then she sounds very unprofessional and its best you see someone else who can abstain the appropriate boundaries and help you at the same time.

Who can maintain.

Your therapist sounds extremely unprofessional and has done you more harm than good.
I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time. Like the PP I urge you to find a new therapist. Maybe speak to your GP or contact BACP.
In the mean time, do you think talking to the Samaritans might help?

What kind of counsellor was she? How did you find her? Is she properly registered? I would be very concerned indeed if she has word for word told you that she loved you.

I think this sounds a bit odd. Wouldn't a therapist who told a "patient" that they love them be breaching professional guidelines?

I think if you loved yourself you wouldn't say nobody else could.
I stalled a few times in counselling. You don't always go forward.

Try again with a counsellor who puts firm boundaries in.

Do you have access to a crisis team? I know you said you're not going to hurt yourself now but you sound incredibly anxious and that can quickly escalate, as you said yourself, after a few days.

I agree with PP, loving yourself includes truly believing that you are worthy of love from others. You ARE worthy of love, you just don't believe it yet. Maybe that's what the therapist was trying to get you to realise and somewhere along the way things got a little confused.

I would agree that a GP visit to calm your anxiety back down is a priority. Go tomorrow. When you feel a bit less anxious you can look into arranging another therapist.

Be kind to yourself. You ARE worthy of it.

Thankyou. What can the gp do though? I am on antidepressants, and tried others which ramped up my anxiety and made me feel like I was on the edge of killing myself. I improved so much on these current tablets.

She did say she loved me. She said we could be in each otehr's lives forever in whatever capacity, after therapy was over. She gave me a little cupcake with 'Love' written on it, and held my hand getting my tooth out and at an extremely traumatic hospital appointment. She offered me a job when I was unemployed. She offered me her stuff to ebay and do a split on the proceeds. So many texts saying she would never leave. So she genuinely does care. Or at least she did. I don't know if she simply dislikes me now. I don't know why exactly. She gave me the confidence to start loving myself, and I made great progress but the rug got pulled from under me and I am so lost.

The crisis team are only interested if I am about to try to hurt myself. I refuse to allow that to happen and I am ok for now. I am admittedly extremely anxious in case I sink further over the next few days, because this pain is relentless and I am running out of strength. But am so disappointed because I thought I'd turned a corner and was stronger and healthier and now it looks like I may be wrong.

The thing is though, rationally I know I am worthy of love - but nobody else thinks so? So that surely makes me wrong? There must be something wrong with me.

Your therapist has behaved very unprofessionally and has been unethical. All sorts of lines were crossed in your sessions. She probably knew that all along, but did not stop herself. With a bit of time and distance, she must have realised just how far out of hand things had got since you've not been having sessions.

You said it was your choice to stop the sessions because they weren't going well. Can you describe what was happening, and why you felt that way?

It seems clear you would benefit from having more therapy sessions, but you must find someone else who can maintain a professional relationship.

But she did love me though. She said, many times. She said we could have a lifelong relationship.

If that is wholly accurate then trust me, she is not a therapist you want or need.

I agree with all PP's vis just about all - from finding new therapist; to seeing that her response now is NOT any reflection on you per se; that only once you are able to love yourself will you find love anywhere else (cliched but true...).

In interim, I - again with PPs - am concerned about what immediate crisis facilities are available to you should you need them. Are you able to tell us which County you are in so maybe one of us can google the numbers for you?

Take great care and I PROMISE you it DOES.GET.BETTER. Am speaking from pretty savage experience and will prob need to NC after this as getting very close to outing myself, but I want you to know that ultimately YOU will be ok and your attackers will no longer hold the power over your life that they - tragically and enragingly - do seem to right now.

Sending just vast UN-MNy hugs

My mum will be so irritated if I call her and I really want to speak with her. But she will not know what to say, and get uncomfortable if I am distressed, and go really distant. It makes me a thousand times worse.

I think there's bound to be ups and downs as you progress and improve your situation. Try not to think that because you're feeling low now that you won't ever feel better.

Your therapist was utterly unprofessional and has made a huge mess of trying to help you. That's her fault not yours at all. If she realised she had strong feelings for you she should have immediately stopped being your therapist and referred you to another therapist. She could then have progressed to being a true friend and having an ongoing relationship with you. Or she should have sought help with her strong feelings and managed them without letting you know about them. What she did was the worst possible thing to do.

I think you could really benefit from a much better therapist who can remain professional and help you work through your feelings.

Sorry cross posted - thank you.

I am in London. I honestly don't do well talking to the Samaritans or other hotlines, I come away feeling more alone, like I am stuck behind a perspex sheet where I look normal on the outside and can see out, but am so far removed from other people in the world.

It is 100% accurate, what she said. I said it first so maybe it was my fault. I loved her like a big sister, that's how I saw her.

I stopped the sessions because I was frightened. She cancelled a few times one week and the second time it happened I felt hurt and sent a text back saying I know the cancelling doesn't matter to her, but it did to me. She got hurt and angry and texted back saying to go find a new therapist. I hurt her.

So I begged her to take me back and she did and then I went in and was so nervous, I couldn't trust her - we had meant to start talking about my sexual abuse and I just couldn;t because I was afraid she would dump me by text again. So the next week I came in and said I needed to go. She did say she had a waiting list and if it was my decision there would be no going back, but I thought I was making the right decision. But now I have all these sexual abuse memories and nowhere to turn.

Jesus Christ - have just read your posts from whilst I was writing mine. Your 'therapist' needs a) help; b) to not practice if this is her blurring of lines. She sounds as if she has done you way more harm than good.

Can I very gently ask if you have ever been properly evalutated by a Pysch team? Anti-depressants are all well and good but only if they're dealing with the right illness. I may be utterly utterly wrong but all you speak of just screams PTSD to me (I have had that T-shirt...) and that drives a completely different type of care and also of meds. IE Mirtazepeine is a PTSD specific SSRI to take before bed to prevent precisely the place you seem to be describing right now yet I had NO clue of that until someone - on here/MN of all places; so not my GP et al - advised me of it.

Please do contact the crisis team? You don't need to be actively suicidal to do that and they WILL be able to get you properly assessed and with a more accuarte diagnoses (& thus the appropriate SSRIs/pyschoropic meds needed) than even the best GP can provide.

I remember your other thread Your ex-therapist is genuinely a terrible, terrible and unethical therapist. Your toxic mother made you feel you shouldn't have needs (which everyone does) and ex-therapist just reinforced that. She ALLOWED you to become too attached. As a pp asked, is she registered with a professional body?
Please get help urgently. If you feel immediately unsafe go to A&E, but in any case you do need help urgently. And you deserve it.

Sidetrack, but my ex-P is a therapist and would say he loved his clients. Would never pull any of that other crap though. (I did once say to him I was concerned that some clients might misinterpret it if he said he loved them, even though he meant it in a completely general 'love for all humanity' way - and English isn't his first language.) In fact, if you love someone you do NOT treat them in the way this awful so-called therapist treated you.

AmI - I am still up sweetheart and will be for a little while. If you want to talk, then PM your number and I will call you. I am not a professional but I know this pain - and the fact I have been able to eradicate it.

Your EX therapist should be fucking struck off. Genuinely.

PM if you want to talk, will be up until 2ish. But after me or anyone else as 'unqualified' as me (all I can do is offer reassurance and an ear), you need decent, proper professional help ok? And luckily you are in one of the best places to get it given in London.

Yes I am pretty sure myself I have ptsd, and I have a diagnosis of 'quiet' borderline personality disorder. You would not know I have bpd if you met me. I don't rage at others or lash out and have never threatened suicide (when I made an attempt I told nobody until afterwards and I was sure I would be ok), but I have a huge fear of abandonment and can't 'hold on' to caring from attachment figures like this therapist so I pissed her off.

I told this therapist I thought I had borderline traits when we first met, and kept asking where the boundaries were. She just laughed and said I wasnt - surely if somebody flags up they have borderline traits (this was before I was diagnosed by my local cmht) it's even more reason to have proper boundaries in the first place.

Yes, she is registered with the Health Care Professionals Council, as she is a psychologist.

Your therapist took advantage of your situation, for what reasons I don't know. She should have been setting clear and appropriate boundries. Victims of sexual abuse often have difficulty setting appropriate boundries due to their boundries not being respected and the fact that you didn't see (and maybe still don't see) that her behavior was inappropriate indicates to me that this is true for you. I am so sorry that this happened to you but you need to start seeing this for what it was.

I also agree with PP who said that you likely have PTSD and need specific treatment for that. Please seek out the appropriate medical help. After all you have suffered, you deserve to be well.