I am terrified, it all keeps getting worse. Therapist won't let me come back.

[Amireallyaperson]

I've posted here a lot in past few days. I am sinking. I had a very intense and close supportive relationship with a therapist, and we finished a few weeks ago. My decision because it was rocky and inconsistent.

Last night my child sex abuse memories would not let up and I had to cancel a week at a conference I just couldn't go. I got in touch with old therapist begging to come back and she kept saying no. I have no dignity left, I can't make myself care about that though I just need somebody to love me and she mustn't do anymore. I don't know what to do. I got an emergency prescription for valium off my doctor and I have taken three tablets which is a high dose and still panicking and going out of my mind with intense pain.

I am not suicidal but I can't bear living. The thought of the morning coming again and the same feelings every minute. I just don't know what to do. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me and I can't bear it anymore I am so lonely. What the fuck can I do?

I have dreams and goals and I depereatly want to do them but I cannot focus on anything because I am so panicky at being totally alone and having nobody to rely on. There's no point going to a and e because I am not going to hurt myself, I don't want to, but if this feeling stays for many more days I am going to be desperate and start to feel suicidal. I can't believe i am back here, I was doing so well, but I can't live without any love.

It sounds like your therapist really crossed the line and in the end she has ultimately crippled your recovery. She should have passed you over to another therapist! She was protecting her own back. I am really angry on your behalf, as she has made this all worse for you and left you incredibly vulnerable.

I too have survived SA and have also worn the PTSD T-shirt. Still put it on sometimes. What you should learn, under the guidance of a decent therapist, is effective coping strategies to manage living with it day to day. A good therapist will help you challenge your negative thoughts and develop more positive (I prefer realistic) thinking patterns which will give you the confidence to pursue experiences that reinforce the new positive thinking.

It is really easy to get too emotionally attached to your therapist. They understand your feelings like no one else. They help you to see the good in yourself. You open up - which is incredibly hard and trust them with secrets you may not have told your own family or lover. They know this, and should never encourage you to see them as anything other than a healthcare provider. Their ego should never come into it. The therapist themselves cannot be the solution. The therapy is the solution.

When going through any kind of therapy for it to 'work' you need to have firm specific realistic goals about what you want, can and will get out of it. It can work if you bear in mind that ultimately one day you need to be able to deal with your issues when you are on your own as well as with assistance.

You now need to get yourself a good, ethical therapist who will help build up your self-esteem and self-reliance ASAP.

Please use the crisis team. That's what they are there for. And remember you are not alone. So many survivors like us are out there getting through each day. Don't accept the negative abuser voice in your head. Challenge it! You are lovable no matter whats happened to you. YOU ARE LOVABLE. Please please phone the Samaritans or go to A&E if you feel desperate.[hugs]

Unfortunately it sounds like what can potentially happen when a therapist has not had enough therapy themselves and/or appropriate training to understand unconscious processes and acts in on their feelings rather than understanding them. Having strong feelings about a patient is fine (and normal) but acting on them is never acceptable.

I would strongly recommend you find a psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapist who will help you understand your feelings and will have done enough work on themselves to not get caught up in it. As you are in London, it will be very easy to find a suitable therapist either in private practice (look on the Psychoanalytic Council website) or through one of the training institutes who offer a reduced fee service if money is an issue (including the Institute of Psychoanalysis, but there are others too).

Sorry, my link did not work - British Psychoanalytic Council

Thank you. I slept like a log because of so much valium and I do feel better this morning.

I'm just so confused. How somebody can appear so genuine, and appear to have your best interests at heart, and have all the training and the reputation, and then to suddenly not care. I just want her to comfort me about this pain and of course she is the source of the pain and it's all a complete mindfuck. It revisits old ground of disorganized attachment for me and I don't know what way is up. She is the biggest source of pain in my life at the moment, the way she dismisses me when she knows about the child sex abuse after spending months telling me she would never leave is almost harder to endure than the actual flashbacks, because it reinforces that sense of terror at being completely isolated that happened first time round.

The thing is though with her I did learn to be vulnerable, and to have needs (even though she stopped allowing them) so in some ways I am better equipped to take care of myself than before. She did me some massive good, but some awful damage. How do I balance that out. How do I not throw away the good stuff I learned, because sometimes remembering all the good stuff is extremely painful and I want to forget it, because she clearly didn't mean it. Well she maybe meant it in the moment, but it wasn't a committed care about my healing or wellbeing, just flakey nonsense.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/a2248204-In-love-with-my-therapist-please-help-me

Your post reminds me of the above post. Is this you with a different user name?

I work as a psychotherapist & all of this sounds alien to me

Hi there Amireally,

We're really sorry you're going through a tough time at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We're going to be moving your thread over to our Mental Health topic shortly - hope that's okay with you.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

OP, we really hope things start looking up for you soon.

Thank you - but please can you delete my thread instead of moving it to Mental Health. The reason I put it here was so it would disappear in time.

Hi again,

We can of course delete it if you'd prefer that - but would you like us to leave it running for now? You can report it at any time if you'd like us to remove it.

Ok, thank you very much, if we can leave it run and then I can ask for it to be deleted. Thank you.

That's absolutely fine. We'll move it to our Mental Health topic for now as we feel you'll be in safe hands there, but please just report it at any time if you'd like us to remove it.

Can you go to your gp or the NHS professional who diagnose you with bpd and ask for NHS treatment for it? Just as DBT which is one recommended treatment - often done in a group setting with individual treatment as well?

NHS treatment may be useful for you, wi regulated boundaries that may help you move forward. Even a short series of treatment may benefit you right now.

Hi there. I am on the NHS waiting list in my area, the waiting list is six months.

Am reading this thread with mounting anger. I also very much struggle with concepts of boundaries, and could so easily have been in your situation many times.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

PLEASE report her to the HPC and BPS. Even just forwarding their info email a link to this thread should be enough for them to get an investigation started.

My worry is that now she has "dumped" you (and yes, she has) she will move on to telling another very vulnerable client she loves them before dumping them too.

PLEASE REPORT HER

Great you already on the list. Waiting times are long as so many people on them sadly and not enough workers but I hope it helps when you get there.

It sounds wise that this therapist has stopped charging you for her services. The desire to rescue a patient can be high, but is not what their job is and it sounds like she overstepped her professional boundaries. That is why someone with a strict and supervised practice may help you in the next step. Does not stop it hurting when realise professionals are just that - it is a job, a source of income and should be well regulated to prevent further damage of clients.

I'm so sorry :( What you experienced was not therapy, that woman behaved in the most awful, unethical way. I've heard about some boundary violations over the years, but nothing that bad :(