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Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

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Original poster

I am stupid and scum

50 replies

creamhearts · 15/02/2015 19:36

I am someone everyone on MN hates because I have BPD and I don't take responsibility for myself. I have had treatment (DBT) but stopped taking my meds and now I am unwell and really struggling. The crisis team are going to ring me but I know they will just tell me to take responsibility for myself and keep myself safe but I am struggling to so much. I have a history of serious SI and SU attempts.

I almost can't face being told to make the right choice because I don't think I can.

They will just say you can't go back to hospital which I don't want anyway. I just want someone to hold my hand and help me get back on my feet.

I have work tomorrow :( How can I go to work when I want to destroy myself? I am already on second line sickness so can;t afford time off and I start anew job in a week.

FFS.

OP posts:

MovingOnUpNow1 · 15/02/2015 19:39

You are not stupid or scum. I have BPD too, I know how hard it can be, I know the pain and rage and hate.

Handholding.

What's going on for you right now? What has triggered you?

sooperdooper · 15/02/2015 19:40

You aren't either of those things, sorry you're struggling so much at the moment

Why did you stop taking the meds? We're they not working for you, could you try different ones?

My mum and aunty both have BPD so I know how hard it can be

Hope the crisis team get in touch soon, is there anyone with you now?

Original poster

creamhearts · 15/02/2015 19:40

Not especially triggered, just feel vile. Obvs can't say too much on here as is against rules.

I know what crisis will say and it makes me feel so alone. I have burned all of my bridges by doing this so many times.

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MrsCakesPrecognition · 15/02/2015 19:42

I am so sorry you are struggling at the moment. Talking to the crisis team sounds like a positive step. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment.
Have you thought about posting in the Mental Health topic too? I've always seen MNers giving great support there, certainly nobody will hate you or judge you for being ill.

Original poster

creamhearts · 15/02/2015 19:43

I post on MH but wanted this to disappear. Sorry I shouldn't have posted.

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HermioneWeasley · 15/02/2015 19:44

It's a shitty disease because the thing you need to get better (your brain allowing you to take your Meds and make helpful choices) is the thing that's not working properly.

Is A&E an option?

Original poster

creamhearts · 15/02/2015 19:45

A&E is crisis team - same people.

Feel sick inside.

I am sorry to post.

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Unidentifieditem · 15/02/2015 19:46

You are not scum! My god , you've an illness which makes you think you are. Those are two very different things. Please remember this.

MovingOnUpNow1 · 15/02/2015 19:47

Ok, if you're not especially triggered but feeling shit anyway, I wonder if it might help to remember that it is only a feeling - that what you are feeling is not necessarily true. You might be feeling like scum but that is certainly not true, after all. Feelings are just that - feelings, not facts. They are shit to go through and we need to accept them to a certain degree, but we don't need to believe them and we don't need to live our lives dictated to by them.

I hear you on feeling more lonely when it seems like there is nobody out there to turn to.

It's really fucking hard. I am so sorry.

How long are you off the meds (I'm thinking ADs or mood stabilisers?) and can you start taking them again tonight?

Gunpowder · 15/02/2015 19:51

You are not stupid or scum, you are ill. I'm so sorry you feel like this. Holding your hand.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 15/02/2015 19:57

No one here hates you-they may hate this horrible illness that makes people feel like that, but not the person.
People are here for you.

yongnian · 15/02/2015 20:03

XxX just know that a random stranger is thinking of you with all love and sincerity XxX

Original poster

creamhearts · 15/02/2015 20:22

Thank you for your kind words.

Crisis rang and were lovely. Going to visit tomorrow.

Off meds for a month, will restart tomorrow maybe.

Hate self. Am awful perosn for doing this to my DH.

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Peaceloveandbiscuits · 15/02/2015 20:26

Thinking of you

magimedi · 15/02/2015 20:27

I could 100% say that not a single person looking at your post hates you or thinks you are 'scum'.

I will also 100% say that there is not a single person looking at your post that does not hope that you get better asap.

And I bet your DH does not hate you.

Courage, creamhearts - look at the love & support you are already getting from total strangers.

The world may seem dire to you atm but there are loads of us here who will support you, be here for you & try to help you.

You are very courageous to post this.

Have a very big hug from me - only cyber- but if you were next to me I'd give you one.

(((xxxxxxxxxxxxx)))

Original poster

creamhearts · 15/02/2015 20:35

Thank you.

Am v.struggling with su thoughts.

Very sad.

I am so scared about work.

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SilverShins · 15/02/2015 20:37

Noone thinks you shouldn't have posted. I'm sorry you feel like this. Post as much as you want to.

Eebahgum · 15/02/2015 20:39

I can't begin to understand what you're going through but wanted to offer a hand as it sounds horrific. And also reiterate that we don't hate you. You're not stupid or scum. I hope you get the help you need to get through this.

lemisscared · 15/02/2015 20:42

You are not stupid, you are not scum and I certainly don't hate you - you have been very supportive to me in the past and I really appreciate it.

You mention a new job, do you think this might have been the trigger?

Could you use a rest before you start the new job? would it be possible to go sick for a week? or would you be better keeping busy?

You've beat this before - you can do this xx

MagpieCursedTea · 15/02/2015 20:46

I have a very good friend with BPD, it sucks
I hope the crisis team are helpful (I know they've been a lifesaver for me before) and that you start to feel better soon. Have some unmumsnetty hugs from me xx

Original poster

creamhearts · 15/02/2015 20:49

Yes to job and also have had some gynae investigations that have stressed me,

Am going to lose everything.

Feel like it would be for the best if i was not here.

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BlinkAndMiss · 15/02/2015 20:53

You are not stupid and you are not scum, you are poorly and it's the illness which is making you think this - it's not reality. I'm sorry you're struggling, it's great that Crisis made you feel a bit more at ease and that they will visit. I can't imagine how scared and alone you must feel. Is your DH with you now?

When you feel well, what do you enjoy doing to relax? I mean like reading, music, films? Congratulations on the new job btw, please don't let your absence rate make you feel bad - your well being is way more important than their records.

Quitelikely · 15/02/2015 20:57

Sweety don't pull yourself down. We all sympathise with your situation.

I wonder if it would be helpful if you created a thread in MH asking fellow BPD suffers what really helped them with it, aside from meds??

I see you came off your meds and I don't know the reason for that but I have heard good stories about people taking vitamin D supplements which have helped low mood.

I'm sure there are other helpful tips etc out there that you might be able to try.

And remember when you're on the floor there is only one way to go from there, which is up. Don't give up. Keep on fighting.

Eebahgum · 15/02/2015 20:58

Don't know if this will be helpful or stupid but check out the work by Byron Katie. She does a groundbreaking form of counselling where she runs through a series of simple questions - the bits that spring to mind right now are "is it true? How can you be absolutely certain it's true?" If you ask yourself those questions can you see that it wouldn't really be better if you weren't here? It's just the way your brain is perceiving your current situation. She also gets clients to flip their ideas over and consider how they are true - can you think of some reasons/evidence why it would be better if you are here?

Original poster

creamhearts · 15/02/2015 21:01

I am basically a waste of space.

I am a qualified teacher but not well enough to work as one.

Fucked up everything/

No children because I am never well enough.

Arms/legs/tummy scarred to fuck from so much SI.

Multiple SU attempts, can't even do that right.

DH is not better with me. He could find someone new and move on and be happy.

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