I am stupid and scum

[creamhearts]

I am someone everyone on MN hates because I have BPD and I don't take responsibility for myself. I have had treatment (DBT) but stopped taking my meds and now I am unwell and really struggling. The crisis team are going to ring me but I know they will just tell me to take responsibility for myself and keep myself safe but I am struggling to so much. I have a history of serious SI and SU attempts.

I almost can't face being told to make the right choice because I don't think I can.

They will just say you can't go back to hospital which I don't want anyway. I just want someone to hold my hand and help me get back on my feet.

I have work tomorrow :( How can I go to work when I want to destroy myself? I am already on second line sickness so can;t afford time off and I start anew job in a week.

FFS.

You are not a waste of space. You are loved and we are strangers on the Internet who don't even know you, but we care what happens to you. This is not your whole life, this doesn't have to define your whole life. Things can change, even if they don't feel like it at the moment.

Thinking of you and hope things get brighter for you.

Well, here's someone else who doesnt hate you, think you are scum or a waste of space.

I've only had experience of clinical depression not BPD, so don't really know what you are going through, but the self-loathing, hopelessness, despair, exhaustion, stress, anxiety and utter bleakness, is something I recognise and empathise with.

I really hope your appointment tomorrow is helpful and you are able to start to find your way out of this horrible episode and feel well.

Reaching out with an unmumsnetty hug and .

You absolutely should have posted and you are most definitely not scum, you are unwell and you recognise that. Your DH has chosen to be with you and he doesn't want someone new, he wants you.

I hope you get the help you need soon.

You're not a waste of space, far from it.

Please try to be gentle with yourself tonight. And please keep posting and talking if it is helping.

I have been where you are, and I am not there anymore. It CAN get better, I promise you.

You are precious and you matter!

You are having problems with your health that need treatment.

This is ok. It's not your fault.

You are not stupid or scum and none of this is your fault.

after everything you have been through your dh is still there. he loves you and you deserve that love.

i understand the feeling of not being able to work in the field you are qualified for. its the same for me.

Waiting for crisis team to come out.

So sorry you are struggling. It is good you are reaching out. People do care about YOU. I hope the crisis team are helpful. And teaching is one of the most stressful professions going. Don't worry about missing out on that. I speak from experience. Try to be kind to yourself today.

Still waiting.

Really stuggling.

Just need to get it out somewhere.

Hi there CreamHearts. We're really sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. Hope you don't mind but we're going to move your thread to the Mental Health boards shortly where we think you'll get lots more support and advice. Hope the crisis team get there soon. Best wishes from MNHQ.

Are you ok?

how are you Creamhearts? thinking of you and sending positivity. hoping it helps. xx

Well I adore you, you are a good friend and a wonderful person, your help and support has made my life that little bit brighter. You have helped me when I couldn't talk to anyone else. I know it doesn't mean much right now when you're way down there, but I'm here for you, because you are amazing x

Thank you.

Saw cpn and crisis, under crisis now. Going to try to go to work.

Feel horrific.

SU seems so tempting :(

thinking of you - can't add any more. hang on xx

Feel very very low :(

Just seen this, hope you are managing to get some rest. did you manage to go to work today?

I am basically a waste of space.

No one is. Especially not you.

I am a qualified teacher but not well enough to work as one.

That's not your fault. You can't help your brain chemistry

Fucked up everything

Really?

No children because I am never well enough.

Probably just as well at the moment. Children aren't always the magical solution.

Multiple SU attempts, can't even do that right.

Incompetence has its benefits. I have two SU attempts I have to live with. I'm still here.

He could find someone new and move on and be happy.

He probably desperately wants a new woman. That new woman is most likely a happier, healthier you.

Please, please, please, please get help. Don't do this to yourself

Stop fighting yourself, You can never win.

Went to work this afternoon was ok.

Seeing cpn tomorrow.

Scared about plans.

i am awed that you managed to go to work. are you with your dh now?

DH is around in the evenings yes.

Woke at 5, too early! Also woke up with a cold which is not helpful.

Alone all afternoon. Hmm.

Being admitted :( Informal though.

I hope the admission helps. I'm Diagnosed with bipolar not BPD, but tbh I think there's more than a little BPD in me. It really annoys me when services don't help just because the diagnosis is BPD, at the end of the day it's just as distressing and affects your life just as much as any other diagnosis.

hoping that you get sorted soon x.