Faking Forgiveness

[InAndOfMyself]

I wasn't sure where to post this; I settled on MH because it is what I am trying to gain, good MH.

My question is whether you can fake forgiveness? Can you say I forgive you even if you're still hurt and trying to heal?

My stbxh hurt me very deeply. He has apologised many times but I have never said it's okay or I forgive you. I haven't said it because it's not okay and I haven't forgiven him.

I want to move on and I don't want to feel hurt anymore.

If I tell him that I forgive him will it help? If I repeat it enough times can I make it true?

I want to improve my mental health, I've been suffering with PND and I do take ADs, and I'm wondering if this is a way forward.

I see what you're getting at - can you "fake it till you make it", yes? This approach can work in many areas, but the worry in your situation is that you could say that you forgive him and then berate yourself for being untruthful. It could actually be a backward step on the road to recovery that you've already started on.

He hurt you deeply and his apologies won't make the hurt disappear. You could decide on wording that emphasises that you're moving on from the hurt, without actually telling him you forgive him. "You hurt me badly, and you've acknowledged that, which I appreciate. I can't predict when (or if) I'll forgive you, but I can tell you that the hurt is in the past and I'm moving on." This sort of statement doesn't deny what you're feeling but does focus on your future without him.

I hope you have RL friends to support you at this difficult time. The clichés about things being less painful with the passing of time are usually true.

PS I have no expertise in the area of MH; am just talking one woman to another, so feel free to ignore if you think I'm wrong!

Thank you for responding. I really open to opinions and finding a way forward.

I worry that I am withholding forgiveness because I know he craves it and by doing that it really me that I am hurting. Maybe I should have put this in spirituality!

I wish I knew how to forgive him.