hi
ive been on mn ages. ive namechanged.
i had some mh issues in past but ive done something that i cant go back on. ive really messed my life up and a lot of other peoples too. i cant talk about it but its bad.
tonight my dh hit me. i deserved it and ive done something terrible. he broke things in the house. i am supposed to be at work tomorrow. i have no where to sleep and havent had for a few weeks.
dh and i are spitting up because of me. i have no one left. my children are gone. my friends are being supportive but tonight dh told me they are only pretending and they think im reckless and stupid.
i came off my ADs a month ago and i should not have done. i tried to go back on them but they just make me physically sick.
all week ive been asking for signs for what to do. signs from who i dont know but my sister died and i felt like she was sending me messages - yes i know how nuts this sounds.
tonight i feel like ive just had enough.
i have lost everything. everything. i feel numb and tired and i dont want to carry on this way.
i would not make any attempt on my life that would fail - not sure that tablets are a good way anyway.
i dont sleep normally but its worse now. things have been ok sort of for a few days but i realise they will never be ok for me again.
i dont have anything left. i will be starting again with nothing and no one. its not worth it. im happy in my own company and if i could just go and live on a desert island i would but ive hurt too many people and i cant put it right.
i feel agony every minute of every day. but i look alright. and i act alright. i cant get any peace, not at home, not at work and not in sleep. i will be taking sleeping tablets tonight because i physically need to sleep, im exhausted and im supposed to be going to work. if i dont go i will just be stuck here with my own thoughts.
i will not go to gp and i will not talk to anyone about this so i am on my own working this out. dont suggest it please. ive gone past that. i will either get through this or i wont.