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Mental health

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Original poster

How do I tell people?

77 replies

naswm · 09/10/2006 17:15

I dont want to lose any more friends than I have done already over the past year. But at the moment I simply cant face people, or answer the phone or return messages. They all think I am strong and coping, but they couldnt be more wrong.

I wish there was something I could say to them to let them know that I am not being rude, that it isnt that I dont want to see them or speak to them, but that I am just very depressed and am struggling to do anything right now. All I want to do is hide

OP posts:

Overrun · 09/10/2006 17:17

sorry to hear that naswm, I wish you that you could tell your friends how you feel, because it seems that you need some support right now. Hope you get some support from MN and that talking about it here, might help you talk about it in rl

Original poster

naswm · 09/10/2006 17:23

A couple of people know, but the vast majority of people in RL havent a clue. Even my DH.

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Overrun · 09/10/2006 17:25

I take it that you feel at your worse when you are on your own. It's really important not to isolate yourself, who do you most trust (if not dh) and take a deep breath and tell them

anorak · 09/10/2006 17:25

I know exactly how you feel naswm and there is no easy answer, in fact there may be people who just don't get it and expect you to snap out of it. On the other hand you will find some people will be very helpful and supportive once they understand that you've been struggling.

All you can do is just tell them. Send an email or text if you can, so you don't have to talk when you're tired. 'Sorry if I've seemed uncommunicative recently, the fact is I've been suffering from depression and some day's it's just too hard to try and be the person I'd like to be when I'm with you, but I still love you and want your friendship.'

I'm sure there will be lots of people who tell you you don't need to be anything other than your real self when you see them, anyone else quite frankly doesn't deserve you to be worrying about their feelings.

anorak · 09/10/2006 17:26

Apologies for rogue apostrophe

foundintranslation · 09/10/2006 17:27

To your friends, could you write something along the lines of what you have written in your OP? In a short letter/card?

'Dear ..., I realise it may seem as if I am being distant at the moment. I would like you to know that it is not something you have said or done. I am suffering from depression and finding life a real struggle, so that even something like getting ibn touch frequently seems too much. I do care very much about you and will get in touch when I feel stronger. Thinking of you, ... .'

I have recently had to write to close friends twice to tell them I had miscarried and please not to phone me for a while, as I could not deal with talking about it on the phone and not with not talking about it IYSWIM. What I wrote was on similar lines. They absolutely understood.

Do you not feel able to confide in your dh?

Original poster

naswm · 09/10/2006 17:28

Not necessarily Overrun. Sometimes I crave company, but just cant face it. Othertimes, I just want to be alone, but then feel even worse when I am. It's all just a mess. Maybe I should go about with a sign on my chest saying 'Warning Depressed, come near at your own risk'

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Macdog · 09/10/2006 17:29

Have you spoken to a healthcare worker that you trust?
Or even called Samaritans?
It helps me to talk about it to someone neutral, your GP may be able to refer you to counselling.
I find it incredibly difficult at times, but talking to someone helps me to get things into perspective.
It's a big step for you to even post this on MN, I hope you can find the support you're looking for

Overrun · 09/10/2006 17:31

well as someone else suggested writing it down might be the only answer (not on your chest though ) Why not text someone, people might realise more than you think and you may not have to go into too many details for friends to understand that you need to talk about how you feel. They may be waiting for your cue.

foulmoonfiend · 09/10/2006 17:32

Try one friend first and see how you feel after telling them. I think people are often relieved to hear it's not something they have done to upset you TBH
Tell her you don't expect 'help' but if she and others can bear with you through this difficult patch you'd be very grateful as you really value her friendship etc.
You say ''I wish there was something I could say to them to let them know that I am not being rude, that it isnt that I dont want to see them or speak to them, but that I am just very depressed and am struggling to do anything right now''
Well if a friend said that to me, I'd totally understand, so just go with that.
And remember, there are loads of us on here you can offload to.

saltire · 09/10/2006 17:32

anorak is right. There will be some who do expect you to snap out of it, and some who are really supportive. In a situation like this you can find out who your true friends are. I had severe PND after DS2 was born, and i told one or two of my friends, and their response was appaling. However another friend was great and admitted that she had also had depression, but had been scared to admit it! So you never know, there may be one or two of your RL friends who have been/are depressed theirselves, and may offer you the support you need.
Is there a reason your DH doesn't know how you feel, sorry if being nosey, it's just mine was great

foulmoonfiend · 09/10/2006 17:36

Saltire - you're so right! not being flippant, but recently it seems like I know more people on ADs than not! And none of them knew our other friends were depressed...

saltire · 09/10/2006 17:38

as foulmoon said, you can also unload onto us, there are plenty MNetters who have/have had depression!

Original poster

naswm · 09/10/2006 18:01

Thannks so much everyone. Had to dash off earlier to feed the DSs. I will consider the text/email/letter option. I dont want to 'bear all' with everyone, but there are some friends that I dont want to lose.

Please dont think I am being selfish though - I do have a very good friend in RL who knows what is going on (well most of it anyway) and she is great and does so much for me, and I have another friend who knows a little. But there are so many other people I come in to contact with on a daily basis that I am 'pretending' with.

Gosh I sound like I have loads of friends. You must wonder why this is a problem. The truth is, I used to be such a bubbly, lively, friendly person - but now I just let everyone down

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Original poster

naswm · 09/10/2006 18:04

anorak/foundintranslation - nice words btw. I will remember that. And sorry foundinstranslation, that must have been a v difficult time for you. x

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Original poster

naswm · 09/10/2006 19:35

so, do you really think a text would be ok?

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saltire · 09/10/2006 20:13

If you communicate regularly with them by text - then it should be. Personally i would do an email or a letter if i was telling my friends

Original poster

naswm · 09/10/2006 20:19

Its just so hard though saltire. DH would be the obvioous person but it is just so hard. I have spent year not telling him things so starting now is so so hard

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runkid · 09/10/2006 20:25

Naswm just wanted to offer support and i tell you i understand totally have just come out the otherside of PND i sent my friends a text because i didnt have computer then and was scared to go out some where very supportive but unless you have had depression i think some people find it hard to understand

DastardlyDevilishDior · 09/10/2006 20:27

Naswm - most of my friends know that I get really depressed. I tell them that if I don't contact them for a while it is because I need to be alone (a la Greta Garbo!) for a couple of weeks. I tend to barricade myself in the house and avoid people. So, those closer friends know what I'm doing, and that they are welcome to call me because I'm not avoiding them.

Acquaintances merely get a 'Gosh, I'm so sorry not to have been in touch for a while. Life has been so busy lately', in a flustered sort of voice . I'm a bit of an airhead sometimes, and those people who don't know me that well would possibly attribute my lack of contact to that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should trust the people you know better, as they will probably be really supportive and respect your wish to be alone.

Hope you feel much better soon. Are you on anything?

Original poster

naswm · 09/10/2006 20:30

oh it's all so hard isnt it? Wish it didnt have this

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runkid · 09/10/2006 20:39

Keep your chin up it doesnt last forever that thought kept me going i have to say but yes it is horrible. You will come through it

kokeshi · 09/10/2006 20:44

Hi naswm, you've had some great advice already, and I too empathise with how you're feeling. Try and be good to yourself. Thinking of you.

Much love,

kxxx

DastardlyDevilishDior · 09/10/2006 20:45

Naswm - - poor you. It is horrible isn't it. My pills are just about starting to work, I think (into week 4 now), so I'm sort of coping, but Saturday was a bad day. I do empathise with you, really I do. As Stephen Fry said, 'I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to live either' - that summed me up exactly. Are you taking anything?

Original poster

naswm · 09/10/2006 20:50

thanks everyone. the thing is, in the summer I did feel better. And now I am worse than every.

Didnt see teh Stephne Fry thing. Wish I had. Although i feel differenty. I'd run away now, if I could

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