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Original poster

How do I tell people?

77 replies

naswm · 09/10/2006 17:15

I dont want to lose any more friends than I have done already over the past year. But at the moment I simply cant face people, or answer the phone or return messages. They all think I am strong and coping, but they couldnt be more wrong.

I wish there was something I could say to them to let them know that I am not being rude, that it isnt that I dont want to see them or speak to them, but that I am just very depressed and am struggling to do anything right now. All I want to do is hide

OP posts:
anorak · 09/10/2006 20:50

It's always the bubbly, strong, good-at-coping people who get depressed - only people who've never come in contact with depression are surprised about that.

Weak people who cave in easily never bottle things up enough to reach the stage when they're really what I'd call depressed.

MistressMiggins · 09/10/2006 21:02

Naswm - can you go back to your GP?

FWIW I have been "better" as far as friends & family are concerned for 6 months but I have been struggling the last month....so I told my family this & went to my GP & told her I didnt have anyone to talk to & was there any way I could get some more counselling - shes referring me - it really helped me & so this time knowing I was slipping, Ive asked for help.

Could you get counselling? Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who wont judge you or tell you to snap out of it or "you were doing so well/I thought you were better" - which just makes you feel guilty.

people dont understand - my SIL asked me at the weekend - "so you feel depressed again?" - I tried to explain that you just get no enjoyment or enthusiasm for anything....but becasue I smile & go out & socialise, people think all is ok....

I think a txt or email would be fine - you might even find your friends STILL come round just for a chat - but at least they would be prepared & you wont feel like putting on an act

xxxxx

Original poster
naswm · 09/10/2006 21:02

maybe anorak.......

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Original poster
naswm · 09/10/2006 21:03

MistressM - i am having counselling already. But it isnt enough. And I am not entirely honest with her. GP is hopeless btw.

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DastardlyDevilishDior · 09/10/2006 21:05

My whole life is an act really. I appear bubbly, to the extent that my old work colleagues disowned me for being signed off work. None of them believed that I was really ill. It was a horrible time. Now, I tend to tell anyone that I get half close to that I'm on ADs, or that I suffer from depression, because it means that I don't have to worry if I appear a little 'strange' by not wanting to do get-togethers or things like that.

Original poster
naswm · 09/10/2006 21:09

me too Dior - all an act. They think I am so strong, but I am not. Oh I;ve been here before...............

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runkid · 09/10/2006 21:10

I never thought i would suffer depression as i always thought i had coped well i am also bubbly and out going. I decided i wasnt going to let it beat me and i worked through it by talking to my auntie(my partner left me)got some councilling and reflexology it helped me to relax and gave me the energy to cope.

Original poster
naswm · 09/10/2006 21:11

I dpont see a way out though runkid. Not one I am prepareed to talk about anyway

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DastardlyDevilishDior · 09/10/2006 21:16

It is horrible feeling like there is no way out. I have been depressed on and off for most of my life, but 'openly acknowledged' depressed since 1995. I tend to have 18 months of being depressed followed by around 6 months of happy times. It is horrible, and some days I look back over the past few months and wonder how I got through. I have to say that, if I didn't have ds, I might not be here now. When I'm having good day, I can't remember how bad being low is. When I am having a bad day, I can't imagine being happy again...

Original poster
naswm · 09/10/2006 21:22

just like me Dior

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SecondChild · 09/10/2006 21:27

naswm, do you make exercise part of your life to help u deal with D? I think this is the one thing that helps me. I know if I force myself outside for a walk or whatever regularly I will feel better and I think it stops D coming back. Give it a go.

runkid · 09/10/2006 21:27

naswm there is away out just remember who you are focus on your family they need you. Tell your husband and get some support. Keep posting on here and we will also help many of us know exactly how you feel.You can do this with a little help dont go it alone xx

Original poster
naswm · 09/10/2006 21:29

that is touble. I am so alone. DH doenst know. Counsellor doesnt know the half of it. And most of muy friends havent got a clue. And most of the time I am walking around with a mask on. the other times I am in hiding with the phone unplugged. OH dear think I;ve said too much now. Maybe I should go now

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DastardlyDevilishDior · 09/10/2006 21:32

Naswm - you really need to include your dh. Mine has been wonderful. He has known me for 18.5 years, and I have got gradually madder! He has taken years to really understand, but gets more supportive with each bout of depression. It must be really stressful having the mask on when you are with him too?

runkid · 09/10/2006 21:32

Take off the mask stop pretending and start dealing with the problem(thats not supposed to sound harsh)CAT me if you want to i will help you as much as i can. A problem shared and all that

foundintranslation · 09/10/2006 21:34

Don't go naswm - don't feel you have to - or if you feel you need to go now, do come back, keep posting, keep talking.

I do not know depression, but I know there is help. And MN is always here.

Amaretto · 09/10/2006 21:47

naswm, please don't go!!!
I have had PND and it took me 3 years after getting better to actually be able to say to my DHhow bad I had been feeling. I felt guilty, ashamed and in some ways really afraid.
So if it is too soon for you, then that's fine!!!!
You said that you have a friend that knows nearly everything and that's great too!
Just keep on posting about what you want to share, forget the rest.

zippadee · 09/10/2006 21:55

dont give up girl! i had 2 serious bouts of this years ago. i spent along time having counselling and gradually i began to feel ok . i now work with people who feel the same way or similar! things do change and life REALLY does get better gradually. xxx

zippadee · 09/10/2006 22:00

ps i used to hide away , which makes you feel tons worse. if you can get out even just for a walk it makes you feel a little bit better. you will probably find that alot of people feel the same way as you at some point in their lives and it does pass . x

anorak · 10/10/2006 08:43

naswm, I do understand you feel it necessary to present a facade of wellness, after so many years of being a good coper, feeling that is what people expect of you, and in some ways they probably do. But that's just a habit, both for you and for them. If they are real friends, they will be appalled that you hid something like this from them, because they will want to be of help to you.

I know when you feel like this there isn't a great deal your friends can do to lift the depression, but they can be there for you, and the feeling of being understood is probably more help than anything else.

Your DH deserves to know about this. How would you feel if he his something this important from you? You would think he didn't trust you or didn't think he cared enough to try and understand and be supportive. You're denying him the chance to fulfil his marriage vows to you and be there for you come what may. You are kidding yourself if you think you can hide it from him, he must be able to see there is a difference in you, but he may not know why, he might think you don't love him any more. Please tell him and give him the chance to help. You are doubling the strain on yourself by forcing yourself to keep up the pretence even behind your own front door. That is not fair to you or your DH.

And please don't feel I am having a go at you. Feeling that you should hide your distress is all part of what depression does to you. It makes you paranoid too. Being aware of all this helps because you know it is normal for someone suffering with depression.

anorak · 10/10/2006 08:45

Sorry, I meant to say how would you feel if he hid something this important!, not his!

missymoosal · 10/10/2006 09:35

I,ve had problems with depression for 12 yrs which started after the death of my first baby. Have been medicated etc felt better for a while then things would slowly slip.
Eventually got referred to a psychologist who specialises in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and it has made a huge difference in my life.
Counsellors are often not as helpful as there is a limit to their skills and they do not have the expertise to dig into the really dark places we all have inside but if you are seeing one there is NO point unless you are honest.
You may not have 'clicked' with your counsellor and that is why you cannot be honest but whatever the reason if you cannot open up with this person stop and get someone else. If your GP is crap change to another.
I was given a book to read by my psychologist called 'Depressive Illness' The Curse of the Strong by Dr Tim Cantopher. I have always appered a strong assertive woman but I was barely holding on inside if you read it you will see alot of your life patterns it might help

mell2 · 10/10/2006 09:38

If you feel your gp is hopeless please book an appt for a different one. Maybe this is something your dh could do for you. You really need to let people know how you are feeling - don't put up with this on your own.

Big hugs for youxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
naswm · 10/10/2006 14:36

Thanks for all your posts. Bit overwhelmed actually how kind everyone is being. My experience of depression in RL is v different (apart from one or two people - who are saints).

I have made a big decision. I am going to the GP to get some ADs. Massive decision for me, although it probably doesnt sound much to others. I only hope that in six weeks from now I feel on top of the world.....

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Original poster
naswm · 10/10/2006 18:30

anorak - I have just re read your posts. I found it all hard to take in yesterday. I know what you mean about my dh. The thing is, I dont trust him any more. He betrayed my trust nearly 2 years ago, and even though I have forgiven him I am finding it hard to trust him again. But aside from that, the problem I have with not telling peopple things about me, stems back from my distant past. I have always had to look after people and protect them. And I learnt at an early age that if I hid my emotions, and thus my real self from them, they were better protected. (NB I am trying to overcome this now through counselling, but it took all my lifetime to get to this point so it is taking a while to get over it and be able to 'open up'.)

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