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How do I tell people?

77 replies

naswm · 09/10/2006 17:15

I dont want to lose any more friends than I have done already over the past year. But at the moment I simply cant face people, or answer the phone or return messages. They all think I am strong and coping, but they couldnt be more wrong.

I wish there was something I could say to them to let them know that I am not being rude, that it isnt that I dont want to see them or speak to them, but that I am just very depressed and am struggling to do anything right now. All I want to do is hide

OP posts:
DastardlyDevilishDior · 10/10/2006 19:32

Naswm - keep ging with the counselling, it really will help. I'm glad you have decided to go on ADs because you are clearly struggling, and I was in that position 4 weeks ago. Now I feel a little saner, although I still have dark times occasionally.

Keep posting, and you are welcome to CAT me if you want to talk more...xxx

runkid · 10/10/2006 19:59

naswm i think you are very brave and have obviously had a dificult life at times am pleased you are going to see gp it will help you cope. Good luck xx

naswm · 10/10/2006 23:00

brave? me? noooooooooo. Just desperate now

OP posts:
anorak · 11/10/2006 08:46

naswm, it sounds as though you have learned from a young age that your needs and wishes are not important, and that your role in life is to make sure other people's needs and wishes are met.

Until you give your own needs and wishes the status they deserve, other people will either not even realise you have them, or will ignore them, because you do.

I also had to learn this very hard lesson. Since I changed the way I operate in this regard, my choices have been much healthier for me, and my life has been much happier.

naswm · 11/10/2006 09:32

anorak - your post is so accurate. I am struggling so hard to change it though.........

OP posts:
anorak · 11/10/2006 09:50

Yes, it's difficult to change because it feels uncomfortable at first to impose our needs upon others. Whatever made us ignore them in the first place must have been powerful.

In my case it was an alcoholic mother. If I went to her with a problem from school, say, she would be angry that I had bothered her with my needs. After all her own needs were much greater and more important and I should be worrying about those. I quickly learned that my needs did not matter and that the needs of others were paramount. Also that it was my job to look after the other person's needs.

Over the years I got used to never expressing my needs and desires, I got so good at it that I hardly acknowledged them to myself. Conversely, I gravitated towards relationships with people who had enormous needs and ignored mine. This was what I equated with love. I felt I had no value unless I could attend to another person's needs while sacrificing my own (which by now were completely repressed).

Only psychotherapy helped me to understand this damaging pattern and it was not an easy or quick cure. I began by deliberately mentioning my difficult childhood to one or two friends. I was very surprised that they didn't know about it. I'd always felt as though I'd talked freely about it, assumed they knew what I'd been through. They knew nothing of it because of my expert ignoring of my own needs, I'd even fooled myself.

I was also surprised and pleased that having confided these things I received similar confidences in return from friends. Far from alienating them by confessing my neediness, I found it put us on a level footing, and made the friendships closer and more beneficial.

It feels unnatural and selfish at first but you have to plod on. Once you have learned to recognise your needs, others will, and you will learn how to identify damaging relationships in your life where people suck you dry and do nothing to build you. In turn this leads to healthier choices and a happier life.

naswm · 11/10/2006 10:20

omg anorak so mch of what so said is me.......

And now, I can see me doing the same to my kids. That is even more depressing

OP posts:
anorak · 11/10/2006 10:23

Psychotherapy was at times difficult and painful but I was so ready for it, so tired of everything always going wrong, that actually there was a lot of pleasure in it.

And at the end of it my life changed so much that my only regret was wasting so many years trying to manage.

You are welcome to CAT me if you want to talk about any of this, please don't hesitate.

naswm · 11/10/2006 10:31

anorak can I aks if you had it on the NHS? My GP doesnt want to help me, his attitude is very much 'pull yourself together'. I am having counselling atm (paying for it privately) but I would like to see a psychiatrist to be properly assesed. I asaked him outright for a referral last tiime and he said no (thinks I will be better when I have sorted out my gynae problems - which are totally unlrelated btw).

Not sure I can do CAT. Do you use msn?

OP posts:
anorak · 11/10/2006 11:16

yes you can msn me jan anorak at hotmail dot com

I will sign in now.

anorak · 11/10/2006 11:18

Ignore busy status that is to stop me being distracted by other conversations!

MsBionic · 11/10/2006 12:16

naswm please consider a different doctor! I dread to think what I would be doing now if my GP was that crap!

Good luck hun
xx

SecondChild · 11/10/2006 13:32

Anorak, waht is psychotherapy and how does it work exactly?

naswm · 11/10/2006 15:27

This probably sounds like I cant be bothered, but atm I really cannot change my GP. And there is no one else in the practice. So it is him, or nobody. That is why I need to make the most of the times i do see him, and go as armed as possible with as much information as I can. Not easy when my head is like marshmallow

OP posts:
naswm · 12/10/2006 21:16

I was so close to telling my dh just now. He came hoe from work at a reasonable time, and we were chatting without the tv on, and after 10 mins I thought I'd tell him everthing. But just as I thought that, he got up and said 'Right, I am going to watch Extras'...... Might not get another chance for weeks now

OP posts:
runkid · 13/10/2006 11:24

Naswm how sad could you not explain to him that you need to talk and ask him to make some time for you as it is important but its great that you thought about telling him {{{{hug}}}}

hurtsomuch · 13/10/2006 12:13

Naswm I think I know exactly how you are feeling. I am in constant tears this morning then I switched on and found your thread, I can totally relate to everything. I too am feeling so low and do not want to talk to anyone outside. I feel I have exhausted friends over a period of time and hate to keep on and on telling them my troubles. My all started with PND after DD was born 11wks prem then again when DS came along 4 yrs later. I don't really remember if I was aware of my depression but boy did I get a jolt when DH said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave (because of depression)! He has always been so unsupportive and as such I don't tell him lots of things as I just get them thrown back in my face. See my other thread on relationships (always putting me down). Is this why you can't talk to your DH (sorry if too nosey)? Anorak you have made loads of good comments but what if your DH is like mine and just belittles everything? My confidence these days is just so rock bottom that I am soon going on a one day course to try and boost it. Life shouldn't be like this and I too want to just run away but I don't as I want our home and everyone to be happy, I don't want to break it up. I had private counselling and when I told DH he sort of mocked and asked if it "helped", he thinks I am beyond help, not normal, nor logical, ungrateful, you name it. People think I am super confident and strong, inside I am a crubmling wreck and hate even going into the playground. I don't even know how to talk to people anymore, I have nothing to say!

MsBionic · 13/10/2006 14:34

argh!! I hate it when I hear that some peoples Dh's are that unsupportive. I am sooo lucky with mine. I have no idea how it feels to have no sanctuary were you can let go with no fear but all I can suggest is select the true friends, the ones that can lift your spirits and lend a true ear.

Even with the support of my DH I still needed friends close by who could make me laugh - I read somewhere that it helps to surround yourself with things that make you laugh or at least smile like funny films and books. But I really couldn't of got through it without some AD's. Once these little babies kicked in (I was on Cipramil which you still feel normal on BTW) I could see the wood for the trees. I clarifies things.

I know its not everyones answer to depression but its worth a try.

Big hugs to Hurtsomuch and Naswm

Please remember not to blame yourself for feeling this way. Depression is an illness that people can't see and needs treatment like any other illness.

hurtsomuch · 13/10/2006 18:02

Well I haven't had PND for over 3 years now and I really do wonder if my depressions IS depression or is it just a total sadness at the way DH treats me. I truely believe I would be sooo happy if he was supportive and loving towards me. Even a regular conversation turns into him talking to me in a derogatory manner, and he reckons I have problems!

DastardlyDevilishDior · 13/10/2006 18:12

Naswm - You are important. You mustn't wait for a 'convenient' time to tell him. Believe that you are worth the time, because you are.

Hurtsomuch - your dh sounds horrible. Sorry. Anyone who belittles depression is a monster. Not understanding it properly is not an excuse, because all he would need is some love for you and he would respect what you were telling him. My dh and I don't always get on or have the time for each other but he is so supportive of me being depressed.

anorak · 14/10/2006 21:19

naswm just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about you. I waited yesterday on msn but I didn't see you log on, and I have been out all day today.

I'll try and catch you tomorrow but if not then definitely Monday, ok?

Keep your chin up! xxx

MumRum · 14/10/2006 21:32

[hijack]

I'm glad I read this thread....
I have a neighbour that I was really friendly with.. I used to look after her kids a lot, anyway her husband left and she had a breakdown early in the year. I have been away for much of the summer and when I see her now she barely speaks or acknowledges me, I'm sure she's still depressed... what should I do... contact her or wait for her to contact me...

hope you feel better soon naswm...

anorak · 15/10/2006 10:39

Hello mumrum - I think if I were you I would gently approach her and say, it's been ages, I'm so sorry I've been away most of the summer but I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are...

MumRum · 16/10/2006 21:21

thanks Anorak... I'll try that....

anorak · 17/10/2006 08:30

naswm I've been hanging about on msn the last couple of days hoping to catch you but you didn't log on.

I'm out this morning and evening, will look in this afternoon and see if I can catch you. Only trouble is my DH is home and might be glued to the computer so I'll have to do my best!