I am so fucking stupid WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

[Thisisnotgood]

Name-changed as I'm pretty embarrassed about this. If you happen to suss who I am (unlikely but possible) please keep it to yourself.

I'm being treated for depression which has mostly resulted from 3.5 years of almost constant pain, as well as possibly some traumatic 'issues' that I may not have entirely dealt with from when I was younger.

Years ago, as a teenager getting over/dealing with some fairly heavy stuff, I used to self-harm. I found that as doing that totally absorbed my focus it kinda pushed all the bad shit away for a while. It was always in places I could hide...

I haven't done that for a long time BUT as the depression has kinda taken hold I've found myself obsessing over any bumps or signs of ingrowing hairs around my bikini line. Which is obviously a nicely hidden place (see above).

It has been getting worse and worse, I've literally been picking holes in my skin, sticking needles in etc etc to get at an illusive (possibly non-existent) hair.

I've realised recently that the focus I get with this is mimicking what I used to do with the self-harm and it is definitely not healthy.

So far so bad...but now I've done something so stupid and I loathe myself for it. I got especially fixated the other night and was essentially gouging with a pin, sure I could see something else lower down, deeper under the skin.I did this for over an hour in one place. I didn't sterilise the safety pin. I am a total fucking idiot.

Eventually I forced myself to stop. The next day I had a nasty looking scab and swelling. Day after not too bad. TODAY I looked at it and decided it looked a bit infected so dabbed with tcp. The scab came off revealing a HOLE with greeny-black stuff in it. I think it's coming from inside all around it as it is quite swollen.

That's bad isn't it? I have never seen blackish stuff in a round before and I'm so freaked out. I'm seeing my dr on Friday about my meds and also a lump I have had on my neck for a couple of months or more (also freaking me out!!)

I will have to show her what I've done won't i? I probably need antibiotics. Is there any way I can pass this off as non-mental behaviour? A nasty spot that burst and got infected??

If you've read this far, here is a medal. So sorry for the epic post.

I'm really upset. Can't bear to tell DH.

[Thisisnotgood]

Hey, PLEASE don't be pissed off with me- I didn't tell the doc.

It seems to be healing ok-ish and I'm making a massive effort to stop what I have been doing. Am not there yet but I'm better and I know I have managed it before so I can do it again.

Had so much to talk about with Dr anyway. Cried a bit. Have been referred for ultrasound for the lump in my neck. Ads increased. And some other stuff.

Tired. And I ventured out on the boards this evening, have remembered why I don't do that anymore.

caulk I reckon it's the Yorkshire dales that go up,and down. Maybe.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I went first to the walk in centre about a cut today (infected) and then to a&e to get cuts dressed.

If I can do it, you can. Not angry, or upset or disappointed or anything, but if I can do if, you can. Sending some cake and a hand-squeeze.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I'm not telling you that btw to make it about me, just that telling someone and getting it checked is ok, and normal, as is getting help.

[Thisisnotgood]

You are so incredibly lovely. Thank you.

I should be supporting you, you sure as hell need it as much as I do (probably more).

Xxxxxx

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I have a thread hidden away on here with lovely people supporting me. I only put about it on there because you sound like the sort of person who would recommend someone else got help if they needed to, and I got help, and it was ok.

I'm not phrasing this well, but it's meant well. How's tomorrow looking for you?

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Hello, how are you doing this morning?

[ProfessorDent]

If you are tired, would vit supplements help? I mean CoQ10, Vit D3 and Selenium ACE, also Magnesium. Not saying a rubbish diet is the sole cause of all this, but it can make it all a bit worse. Also, work your way thru 2 litres of water a day.