I am so fucking stupid WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

[Thisisnotgood]

Name-changed as I'm pretty embarrassed about this. If you happen to suss who I am (unlikely but possible) please keep it to yourself.

I'm being treated for depression which has mostly resulted from 3.5 years of almost constant pain, as well as possibly some traumatic 'issues' that I may not have entirely dealt with from when I was younger.

Years ago, as a teenager getting over/dealing with some fairly heavy stuff, I used to self-harm. I found that as doing that totally absorbed my focus it kinda pushed all the bad shit away for a while. It was always in places I could hide...

I haven't done that for a long time BUT as the depression has kinda taken hold I've found myself obsessing over any bumps or signs of ingrowing hairs around my bikini line. Which is obviously a nicely hidden place (see above).

It has been getting worse and worse, I've literally been picking holes in my skin, sticking needles in etc etc to get at an illusive (possibly non-existent) hair.

I've realised recently that the focus I get with this is mimicking what I used to do with the self-harm and it is definitely not healthy.

So far so bad...but now I've done something so stupid and I loathe myself for it. I got especially fixated the other night and was essentially gouging with a pin, sure I could see something else lower down, deeper under the skin.I did this for over an hour in one place. I didn't sterilise the safety pin. I am a total fucking idiot.

Eventually I forced myself to stop. The next day I had a nasty looking scab and swelling. Day after not too bad. TODAY I looked at it and decided it looked a bit infected so dabbed with tcp. The scab came off revealing a HOLE with greeny-black stuff in it. I think it's coming from inside all around it as it is quite swollen.

That's bad isn't it? I have never seen blackish stuff in a round before and I'm so freaked out. I'm seeing my dr on Friday about my meds and also a lump I have had on my neck for a couple of months or more (also freaking me out!!)

I will have to show her what I've done won't i? I probably need antibiotics. Is there any way I can pass this off as non-mental behaviour? A nasty spot that burst and got infected??

If you've read this far, here is a medal. So sorry for the epic post.

I'm really upset. Can't bear to tell DH.

[ProfessorDent]

If you are tired, would vit supplements help? I mean CoQ10, Vit D3 and Selenium ACE, also Magnesium. Not saying a rubbish diet is the sole cause of all this, but it can make it all a bit worse. Also, work your way thru 2 litres of water a day.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Hello, how are you doing this morning?

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I have a thread hidden away on here with lovely people supporting me. I only put about it on there because you sound like the sort of person who would recommend someone else got help if they needed to, and I got help, and it was ok.

I'm not phrasing this well, but it's meant well. How's tomorrow looking for you?

[Thisisnotgood]

You are so incredibly lovely. Thank you.

I should be supporting you, you sure as hell need it as much as I do (probably more).

Xxxxxx

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I'm not telling you that btw to make it about me, just that telling someone and getting it checked is ok, and normal, as is getting help.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I went first to the walk in centre about a cut today (infected) and then to a&e to get cuts dressed.

If I can do it, you can. Not angry, or upset or disappointed or anything, but if I can do if, you can. Sending some cake and a hand-squeeze.

[Thisisnotgood]

Hey, PLEASE don't be pissed off with me- I didn't tell the doc.

It seems to be healing ok-ish and I'm making a massive effort to stop what I have been doing. Am not there yet but I'm better and I know I have managed it before so I can do it again.

Had so much to talk about with Dr anyway. Cried a bit. Have been referred for ultrasound for the lump in my neck. Ads increased. And some other stuff.

Tired. And I ventured out on the boards this evening, have remembered why I don't do that anymore.

caulk I reckon it's the Yorkshire dales that go up,and down. Maybe.

[Wombat22]

Hello This How did you get on with doc? I hope you are feeling a bit better

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Have you seen the doctor yet? I head yesterday that a third of what gps see is mh stuff. Nothing will be new to them.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Aw thanks. I'm up and down like the Yorkshire moors right now (do they even go up and down?') but counting days I have looked after myself and that helps

[fromparistoberlin73]

sweetheart tell the doctor

you ARE self harming again, you are. this needs to get treated (and I am sure it will). I am sure they wont do anything more than refer you

this is a big red flag that you are on that slippery slope (and you know it)

you have NOT done a silly thing, thats leaving your keys in the door, or such like

dont minimise this OP xxx

[Thisisnotgood]

Thank you.

My pain condition has been really bad today so I am very low. Am just sick of dealing with it really.

How are you today? I've read about half of your coping techniques thread and there is some helpful stuff there- plus you write really well

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Write a list of it all and give her the list. Say that there are a few things so you wrote it down to make sure you didn't forget anything. Ten minutes feels short but is actually quite long and loads can be covered.

[Thisisnotgood]

Hey , thanks for being there again!

I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. The scabs (apart from the big ol' hole) are mostly not looking too awful, and today I have managed to stop myself doing anything too bad- so I maybe could just get treated for the infection...

I've just got such a lot to chuck at her in a 10 min appointment! And the lump in my neck is an actual genuine worry and I don't want it to seem psychological because I'm in a bit of a state.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Well done for what you've achieved today. How are you feeling about the doctor tomorrow. Sending un mn-like love because I know it helped me x

[Thisisnotgood]

Hey thanks for the nice words everyone.

caulkhead I don't know. Okay I guess. Managed work and DS1's parent teacher meeting thing. A few bursts of aching sadness at random points in the day. how are you doing? xx

sparklecrates I get what you are saying about the human compulsion to pick at stuff. I think I maybe didn't make it clear that it's not just the odd spot I get obsessed with. My inner thighs are just all ripped apart and covered in raw skin, scabs and horrible weepy bits. The thing the other night was bad because there is a real actual hole there- it's not a case of just having broken the skin. And I would NEVER let anyone else in the room while I'm doing it as I am literally gouging myself with a needle.

voyages thanks, it's nice to know you kinda understand.

I have almost managed to not do it today.

I'm so tired and every day just seems like a massive fucking challenge.

Thank you all, really sorry not to gave responded to every kind post but I can't keep all the names in my head.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Hey, how are you doing this morning?

[Messymanda]

Please go and see your GP. The best thing you can do for your lovely husband and kids, is to get help and support through this difficult time. Best wishes x

[ExtraVolume]

You won't be seen as not coping. Self harm is actually seen as a way of coping, albeit not always a healthy way. But if you are sensible enough to get medical attention if you need it that should reassure them.

I don't know what area you are from but I guarantee Social Services and the like are swamped and will only take notice of people who are really floundering, again and again. Not co-operating with advice and avoiding interacting with services like the GP are something they would see as a red flag.

[sparklecrates]

hmmph you're infected so go to doc.
Don't panic about self harm etc. We all get absorbed doing spot squeezing eyebrow picking blackhead playing skin picking nail ripping silliness .. it part of being human a nd part of contemplation.. and its sometimes so absorbing for me I've realised people have been im and out of the bathroom only after a door sits on the way out. . and its like meditation! last year I got very absorbed in getting rid of an ingrowing nail thing and cut myself digging it out.. Then did it again two days later.. I'd hate it if people made me paranoid about self-harming .. and yes I enjoyed being absorbed then curious about the blood under the nail.

Don't fret.. but do visit the doc!

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

If you were coping with diabetes or flu at work you would so everything you could to manage it, right? Think of this as a bit like that. Get advice from as many sources as possible. However hard that might feel, it can get better. It just takes the hugely enormous step of telling someone.

You've told us, and that is huge. Well done.

[Thisisnotgood]

I hate feeling like I'm a bit useless at work tho

[Thisisnotgood]

Ha! Yes I count everything down.

I just have to make it to work.then I try to go til lunchtime. Then til the end of the meeting...

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I set a timer sometimes and say ok, stay safe for these ten minutes (or however long). Then when the timer goes off I set it again.

You will get through this.

[Thisisnotgood]

I want to do what I used to do.

I'm not going to though I'm not.

Thank you, you guys are amazing xx