DH told me he was raped as a boy

[anonanon4321]

DH over the last couple of years has had a down turn in mental health. Depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse, aggression and anger problems. It has got to the point where we were probably going to split. But he has been getting councelling for depression and alcohol issues so I stuck by him.

Things still aren't great, and he has a bad temper which is putting his job and family relationships in jeopardy.

A couple of days ago he told me he was raped when he was around 10 years old- he never told anyone and doesn't want to talk to anyone now- even in councelling. He knows I will always be there if he needs to talk.

How do I support him when he wont get professional help- all this anger that he cant let go. I worry he will explode and hurt himself/someone else and want him to find some peace.

This scenario is really, really tough. I feel for you and your husband. My ex partner was raped as a child and he also had a lot of anger issues - never directed towards me but he said he felt angry all the time. I tried to encourage him to get professional help but he refused. He did end up being arrested for something, I don't want to go into all the details on here but it was awful for everyone involved. Looking back, I think he was a ticking time bomb, he talked about it all the time and had nightmares. I felt so helpless, it was horrible. After he was arrested I almost felt responsible, like I hadn't pushed him hard enough to get help, even though I knew that wasn't true deep down.

I don't want to alarm you with my story but if it's affecting your husband to the extent he's got problems with alcohol then he really needs professional help. I understand it's hard for him, especially as a man, to admit to being raped and that he's now opened up to you is a good sign. Unfortunately, he has to want to get help himself and he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. I can't tell you whether to stick by him or not. I know how harsh leaving him would seem and I felt incredibly guilty when I left my ex but if this is causing him to hurt others then that's not right and he needs to face up to that. Yes, he has a reason for it but he's an adult who needs to accept responsibility for his actions.

Anyway, I don't really know what advice to give you as this is so hard. But if you find yourself in a scenario where you don't feel you can stay, then don't feel guilty for leaving. You have given him plenty of chances. I would encourage him to go to counselling but obviously don't nag him either, it's a hard balance. There are some charities that deal with male childhood sexual abuse so he might feel more comfortable talking to them. Maybe you could go to couple's counselling? He might be more receptive to it if you're there with him. Or he could do an anger management course or something, although I don't know how successful it will be if he won't admit to the cause of his anger.

Good luck, I know how hard this is. I hope you're both able to get through this.

I've just thought, I suppose another thing you could consider is reporting it to the police. I'm assuming if your DH has never told anyone other than you that he never did. The guy who raped my ex was never convicted and I know that's something that really played on his mind, that he was out there and could be abusing other children. I wish I'd encouraged him more now to try and re-open the case.

Going through the legal channels might help your DH to move on better. Of course, he may not want to report it to the police, and if he's only just told you he's probably not ready for that step yet. But it's something to bear in mind for the future possibly.

My DH was abused as a child by a family member. He has never had anger issues but extensive problems with drugs and alcohol, to the point where he was sacked from his job for drinking. He disclosed the abuse very early on in iur relationship (we were teens at the time) however he has never sought professional help - although I feel
He should have. However he has in the last year changed drastically. He has stopped drinking and drugs entirely and started an art therapy group. So it is possible, and out relationship is better one one hand. On the other I am suffering from sever anxiety and believe that this has been partially aggravated by my attempting to "manage" and "control" his alcohol issues. What I have learned is that I couldn't take that on - he had to do it for himself - and although change is possible and positive, it isn't all rosy overnight. Good luck to you and your DH, I really feel for you.