Will my DC be affected by me.

[PiperIsOrangePumpkins]

today has been a very bad day. I got up and I basically couldn't do much as panic attack took over and I was physically shaking.

Was meant to take the DC out for a treat, but even DH saw how bad I was so instead he stayed with me and allowed the DC to unlimited tv, computer and tablets ( not the medication type)

Now the DC are in bed I feel even more pathetic.

Will the kids forgive me in years to come.

Wish these panic attacks will go away.

I get like this too. I also then beat myself up about it. It started when ds was small. His behaviour got very difficult to manage so I found it hard to take him anywhere on my own.
Fast forward to now and I find it impossible to do kids stuff at all. I can't even manage the park. We took up camping and have as many short breaks as we can manage and this, at least allows him freedom.
Dh helps as much as he can when not at work but I really hate myself for it.

My DC are my world and I don't want to emotionally damage them.

Today ds asked me why do I sleep a lot. I explained mummy is not very well but will get better soon.

I think I am stuck in a vicious cycle as I dread the panic attacks so much that it makes me have 1 after another.

Are you receiving support and treatment?

I can't promise that they won't be affected by your illness.

I was (and still am) very affected by my mother's mental health issues.

When I was a child my mum spent a lot of the weekend in bed with a headache. Am sure that some of the time she probably did actually have a headache but in hindsight now as an adult I can see that she was in bed a lot as she was depressed. I remember my dad would pick me up from a friend's or somewhere and I would always ask him whether my mum had a headache as that would be a general indicator of what sort of mood she would be in and how the evening at home would go. It was frequently like living with a thundercloud over the house.

The effect it has had on me as a parent with my own DCs is that I constantly feel the need to be out and about and doing stuff with them as it was a feature so totally absent from my own childhood. It's a bit less intense now that they are older but when they were very small my mum was always asking me why I couldn't just spend a weekend at home with them and why I always had to be out doing stuff. I didn't tell her why and that I get a bit panicky at the thought of a weekend with no plans because as a child I remember time away from school when I would be literally bored to tears.

You are absolutely not at all pathetic. Don't be so hard on yourself!

I grew up with a mum having severe depression. It wasn't easy but I know now that she was very unwell and she was doing the best she could.
I can't remember if you mentioned any treatment. If you aren't then please do consider that. Often people need a helping hand to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Anti depressants helped my mum and therapy has helped another person close to me regain control of their mental health.
Just take care of yourself, and give yourself a break

I'm taking 100mg of steraline and on waiting list for therapy.

I made up for it today by making cakes, doing puzzles and other things with them.

Honestly, if you have managed to find the strength to bake cakes and play with them, you absolutely need to give yourself more credit! To achieve those things when you are so unwell is a huge achievement. Please don't say you're pathetic. Taking anti depressants and being on the waiting list for therapy are really good steps. Continue to look after yourself and invest in getting better, for your sake as well as theirs.
You're doing pretty good I'd say

Piper you do far more than me. I can't organize myself to do those things

Nothing else really got done today, my house is a disaster zone and not done a single thing for the school run tomorrow.

The cakes where one of those box things where you just add an egg.

IME kids are not going to mind about the house being messy, what often appears to be a disaster zone mess wise to a parent totally goes over the head of a child. As long as they have their own personal things that they need for school, e.g. PE kit, lunch box, dressing up costume, signed letters, etc. then a bit of mess at home is not going to bother them. You are doing things with them which they will love, who cares if it's a box cake thing, kids often don't have the patience for the whole mixing stuff from scratch anyway.

In my mum's case, she definitely prioritised cleaning and tidying at home and from a very young age I could see that mess used to make her feel a lot worse. So housework was almost always done but that was for the benefit of her mental health as she would slip into a spiral if the house was messy too. Her mental health problems have certainly never made me love her any less or think any less of her and I know that she has always absolutely done her best. I just feel very sad for her as I can see how difficult life is for her. I wish I could make things better and she does get a lot of pleasure from her DGCs but her anxiety does tend to rob the joy out of things for her. That can be frustrating to witness but only because I wish she could be well for herself not for anyone else.

I think as parents we are all tend to heap guilt upon ourselves. But you are ill and you are doing what you can to get better. There is absolutely nothing else anyone can expect of you so absolutely not need whatsoever to feel guilty!

I worry about this too. I'm agoraphobic and can barely get my son to school 7 mins away, let alone take him anywhere. His dad takes him and DD to the park, to parties or appointments etc. I feel useless.

He knows mummy has a 'silly head', but I feel guilty. When I panic on the way to school and stop for a few seconds he says 'I can go by myself mummy'. He is 6 and it breaks my heart.

However, I do what you have done-I play games, chat, joke, laugh, cuddle etc. It doesn't stop the guilt, but I have to accept that I can't do the other stuff at the moment-which is easier said that done, I know.

I reckon when you have dc, it is not your job to be perfect, but it is your job to keep working on yourself. Keep going with meds and therapy - that's the best you can do for your family. You may need to change your meds over time. You may need different forms of therapy. You may need to make small, achievable goals to motivate yourself - which you are already doing, by doing lovely, fun - achievable - activities such as baking and crafts. You may need to reach out for help at times. But as long as you keep doing this, then you are being a wonderful mum.

Got the DC to school ok, I didn't get to sleep till gone 4 so going to have an few hours sleep.

When I get bad insomnia, I get up and do things, like wipe down the surfaces, send important emails, pay bills. Stops me focusing on the stuff swirling round my head AND means that when I need to nap between lunch and 3pm, I don't feel guilty. Maybe try that for you?

I couldn't sleep today, so I went out and did a bit of window shopping.

My eyes are burning so going to cook my tea and have a milky drink and go to bed.